Very worried about 3 year old - mutism?

[burntpeaches]

I’m starting to get very worried about my 3.5 year old. He started school nursery in September. It seems like he is unable to speak in certain situations, I’m hoping it’s shyness/confidence but I’m worried there’s more to it.

I will give background first - oldest is 3.5 and youngest has just turned 2, so small age gap. I am engaged to their dad. Previous to starting school nursery, he was looked after by grandparents but at age 2 when we got the 15 funded hours he did 3 mornings a week at private nursery - at the time I thought it would be good for his social skills. He never properly settled there :( however they were very good with introducing him to different foods and supporting with toilet training. His key worker pulled me aside one day and said he can’t/won’t speak at nursery, but he plays properly and functionally with toys and will do adult let tasks. And had good understanding. She said she hoped it was just shyness.

fast forward to now… so started school nursery in September and I am basically being told the same things. We had his parents evening the other night and it was glowing in every way- he loves school, plays nicely with the other children, good at following instructions, well behaved, good at lunch time with his food, enjoys indoor and out door play, will join in focus tasks, BUT he can’t/won’t speak in a larger group, and if he has to speak to an adult he whispers.
she told me that he won’t say ‘good morning’ at register but will just wave at her instead. During circle time he won’t speak when it’s his turn. But in a much smaller group he will. She said she isn’t concerned yet because she’s heard him playing and talking with the other children in the provision, she’s seen h him engaging in imaginary play and also playing very functionally as well. He plays with a good mix of children (but prefers girls) and is also happy to play on his own sometimes. So in all it sounds like school is something he enjoys. I told his teacher I’m starting to get worried about the speaking in social situations, and she was sympathetic and offered to come to our house one evening to play with him and see the difference there (she is very experienced EYFS teacher) my fiancé thinks this is unnecessary but I want her to see his personality at home - the opposite of shy - and I want him to see that she is a safe person to play with and trust. his speech and vocabulary is great, he’s brilliant with numbers… I’ve no concerns academic wise, but socially I am worried.

when he was born I had crippling anxiety about him dying (nephew died of SIDS years ago), he slept with an alarm on, I had extra support of the health visitor as well. I am an anxious parent and I fully admit I am a helicopter parent. I’ve tried to change but I can’t. I can’t take my eyes off my children when we’re out and I can never fully relax. I’m scared my anxieties have projected onto him. I also suffered with my mental health when my youngest was born :( I cried a lot, was snappy, shouty, and my oldest was only 20 months old and it kills me with guilt :(

i try my best with them and I always tell them how loved they are, even after poor behaviour choices, I make a big fuss of speaking positively about them to other people etc, I just want them to be happy confident children but I’m scared I’ve got it wrong with my oldest somewhere along the line :( I keep having flashbacks to when my
youngest was born and how I was such a shit horrible mum to him at the time as I was just so exhausted and over stimulated :( my fiancé keeps telling me to stop beating myself up and that it’s all in the past but I know how crucial the fundamental years are and I’m scared he has emotional trauma :( he has a beautiful friendship with his little brother now, they are the best of friends and really love eachother so I try and just focus on that :(

sorry for long post but I need advice and would love to hear off someone else who’s been in this situation

It does sound like basic shyness and lack of confidence rather than anything developmental.

Definitely try to get help for your anxiety before it does cause your children issues, nobody wants to be the reason their children develop mental health struggles.

Sounds very much like low profile selective mutism. NB 'selective' is a medical term meaning 'not pervasive, only happens sometimes' and isn't anything to do with choice. Children with SM are not ' choosing' not to talk.

Have a look at SMiRA website and if you are on FB there's a very active page for parents.

Does he talk around family or if you meet up with friends at the playground? Or will he say yes or no to the GP or dentist when you go for an appointment?

I think there is ‘selective mutism’ and there is just being shy in certain situations? Neither of mine would say a word if we visited family for lunch or went to a birthday party. Like not a word, completely silent. And then the second we walked out the door, they’d talk non-stop. They were their normal selves at nursery or playing with friends at the playground. But in busy group situations they’d say absolutely nothing.

They were just shy and taking everything in. They are 7 & 12 and now very chatty and outgoing in all situations.

I would see how this settles. Nothing you describe sounds particularly unusual or worrying to me, other than I think you’re quite anxious and with the jumping around to new nurseries, this is normal disruption and settling in that you’re seeing as a problem. I do think that our anxiety and hovering isn’t good for them though. If you have always just helicoptered around, it sounds like he hasn’t yet found his independence and isn’t used to speaking up for himself. I’d try to take a step back and give him time to figure himself out socially.

I agree. I would be asking for a referal to SaLT and or LEA’s communication team.

My youngest was like this in private nursery, she is in year 1 now happily talks in school. She did two years in school nursery (summer born) and came out of her shell more in her second year of nursery. We suspect she is autistic.

I was like this and had a similar age gap with my sibling. I didn’t start talking semi normally until I was 5 and actually remember it. I do think, in my family at least, it’s because I was neglected in favour of my sister who got all the attention (quite common with such small age gaps) and it resulted in my walking late too. Only you know if that’s happening with your kids. But whether you believe it’s happening or not the best thing you will do for him, is to put the younger sibling into daycare / leave them with grandparents a bit longer everyday after school so you have 1-2 hours of quality time with him everyday.

I would google selective or situational mutism because that’s what it sounds like.

It’s not always but very often linked to autism. If you do have any other concerns that could be neurodivergence, then it’s probably worth keeping a note of them in case you need to refer to it in the future.

thanks everyone for your responses.

so when we see family, e.g both sets of grandparents, cousins, aunties etc he is the same as he is at home - very chatty and confident in being able to tell us what he wants/needs. The same if we happen to bump into them somewhere. At the dentist a few weeks ago, the dental nurse was being very friendly with him, chatting to her etc and he was answering her questions with one word answers and told her what sticker he wanted out of paw patrol or Toy Story…but he was whispering.

his teacher said he talks at normal volume with his friends in the classroom/playground and has great imaginative play and vocab. It’s only in the whole class situations he can’t seem to speak. However he happily joins in whole class activities, e.g wake up shake up, PE, singing etc.

his speech is very clear and he has a great sense of humour.

can I self refer him to SALT or do school/gp need to do it?

You will need to check the guidelines for your area.

In terms of development/milestones, he walked just after his first birthday, and his speaking I would say really came on when he was about 22 months just over night. He went from babbling to fluent speech very quickly.

in terms of his younger brother/age gap, neither of them are favoured at all, if anything my youngest has always been dragged along for the ride and I have to admit I haven’t had the time/energy to fuss over him as much. But because of that, he is very independent and advanced for a recently turned 2 year old.

if it wasn’t for him being so quiet/mute at school in the whole class situations or with new adults, I would have zero concerns about him. But I know that if there are additional needs then early intervention is so important :(

Referrals to SALT will vary area to area. You can ask school or search online to find out.

Did he become more confident talking in his private nursery? It's good he can talk in smaller groups and with peers. He will benefit from understanding from teachers (which it sounds like he has) and the opportunity to build his confidence gradually. Letting him wave at circle time is a good strategy. Some children like to film a video at home or 1:1 with the teacher that they can share with the class if they find ut harder to speak in group situations.

My daughter doesn't like taking to strangers but is chatty enough generally. For a long time she would never talk in front of anyone but me and her father. Her nursery haven't raised concerns,but she is there up to 9h/day for 4 days/week - so she is very comfortable and settled with many of the staff and other children. She won't talk or interact with "strange" or new staff though ( e.g. cover from other rooms). Her hatred of new people is rather legendary among the nursery.

I think if she was only doing 3 half days per week, she wouldn't talk to them.

She is slowly coming into being more confident as she approaches 3, and will now chat away to other (very) familiar adults she has known all her life.

I occasionally look after a friend if hers who is incredibly anxious amd shy with me. She'll only talk to me in whispers, and this is a child who her mother tells me talks about how she likes me and knows my name!

So, while what you are describing is quite extreme, for me it still sounds within the range of normal. I say this to try and ease your anxiety. However, it seems worth bringing it up with your health visitor, and engaging with the nursery workers kind offer, as these days referrals and support take absolutely ages to get in place. If your child later needs extra support at school, having things start being evidenced now can only help.

He sounds lovely! He's only 3. Two of ours were really shy in bigger groups (or speaking to any adult they didnt know very well) at that age, its normal.

One of them very much grew out of their shyness by 7, the other is still a shyer child in certain contexts.

Lots of adults are too!

They've all got something to work on/ improve, no chlld will everything just right as a parent would like, just go with it

I would monitor, but not be overly concerned at this stage. Both of mine followed a similar progression, speaking to other children/themselves as part of play, then to staff one to one, then small groups, then larger groups. Eldest is in P2 now, and said her line just fine in her Nativity last year, but she still doesn't love having all eyes on her - and that's completely fine.

One of my children didn’t speak to the staff at all for the entire year they were at preschool. The preschool raised concerns about selective mutism. I could see it in other situations (on days out, meeting friends of mine they didn’t know, would be very similar to your dentist experience) but always super chatty at home and with people they were comfortable with.

It was impossible to get any kind of support (SALT said they couldn’t assess if no speech issues and non verbal and recommended a child psychologist but everyone we contacted said they didn’t accept younger children) so we went with private play therapy in the lead up to school. I think it helped. They are still shy meeting new people but settled into school really well albeit with a lot of kindness and support from the teaching. And also managed their lines in the school play which was unimaginable from where we started.

Selective mutism is a big problem where it persists. It will do no harm to push for early intervention and could do a great deal of harm not to have any.

I speak from experience. I have a child in their mid 20s unable to work as they cannot communicate or speak to unfamiliar people.