How to wean baby off breastfeeding to sleep?

[Newparent101]

Sorry for the long thread, trying to give some background context.

My baby is 4 months old. She sleeps great through the night but unfortunately I've made the error of breastfeeding her to sleep each night (at the end of bedtime routine). Now realised that my partner should try to get her off to sleep some nights without me, or else I'm worried that I'll have to be around every single night to get her to sleep! So we made a plan to alternate nights - for him to get her to sleep one night, I do the next night, etc.

Tonight was the first time we tried my partner putting her to bed - he did the usual routine which went fine at first - nappy change, sleeping bag, read a story, give a bottle (all with dim lights and lullabies playing). But then when it was the time I'd usually breastfeed her to sleep he gave baby the dummy instead, she started crying, after 10 mins screaming hysterically so I took over and started the routine all over again, finally ending in baby going to sleep by breastfeeding - took 2 more hours before she was calm enough to fall asleep.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to wean out of this pattern? Should I continue to get baby to bed every night myself (no involvement from partner) with the goal of weaning her off of breastfeeding (instead giving her a dummy) - and only when she's consistently sleeping without the boob when I put her to sleep, ask my partner to try getting her to sleep in alternate nights (I'm guessing in days/weeks)? Or persist through with my partner doing alternate evenings trying to get her to sleep? Or something else? Realise now is sleep regression time to would it be better to wait until she's older?

Thanks in advance!

He's way too young probably.

And I still breastfeed my 15 month old to sleep, it's excellent, like a super power. I don't have to mess around with rocking and calming a toddler that doesn't want to go to sleep. We do bath, story, quiet play and when he wants to sleep he literally points at my boob. Job done in like 5 minutes.

He goes to sleep just fine when I'm not there, since about 8 months old. We do date night every Saturday night, he goes to sleep with the nanny rocking him, zero problems. I've had the occasional late night in the office, dad puts him to sleep. But we couldn't do this at 4 months, he would have probably done the same as your baby.

You haven’t done anything wrong at all.
this is completely normal and anyone who’s telling you that is delusional. Baby will probably continue to do so. Mine did for the longest time. It’s ok xx

My 13 month old DC3 is often still breastfed to sleep for bed. I'd say it's about a third of the time now though as me and DH have just started mostly doing alternate nights literally a week or so sgo. And often on my nights he finishes feeding himself and then we just cuddle and pat to sleep. But even before this, the very rare occasion I wasn't there for bed, DH could do bed time with a bottle and cuddle instead. Our baby doesn't have a dummy (not our choice!). But yeah this wouldn't have been possible without loads of crying until they were older. They wouldn't take a bottle at all til 8 months for one. They've also always been used to DH getting them to sleep with cuddles in the middle of the night and for naps too for ages, so its not such an alien thing. On 'his' bed time nights I still breastfeed too. I just pass over to DH before he goes to sleep.

Basically I'd just ride it out for now if needed, it won't last forever I promise. This time is so short in the grand scheme of their and your lives. My DC1 is 7 in the blink of an eye. I'm up breastfeeding DC3 right now.

I actually only just stopped with my two year old (just 2!). We meant to do it earlier but life got in the way, although it was literally just night time feed left.

My husband simply took over for just over week and she now no longer needs it to sleep. First time I put her down after that there was a bit of pulling but not much resistance.

I’d say it’s up to you, if you’re happy to put her to sleep by noon it’s more really an issue but if you want her less reliant on it there’s no harm in gradually getting your husband more involved. You could maybe try giving him a bottle of your expressed milk to help (a couple of occasions where I was out later this helped my DD).

Way too young I would say, wait until they're weaning onto solids at least, can have water etc. She'll need that feed

Can you express some milk so your partner can feed her to sleep instead? I agree with others that is too soon to stop feeding to sleep. Mine was over 1 before we started moving milk to before the bath/book.

I agree with the other posters I think he's a bit young. Breastfeeding to sleep is a magic gift for you to use. I would focus on getting your husband to take the baby from you in the mornings so you can have a lie in. Or you could go to bed early, say 9pm and he can give the baby a bottle downstairs and then bring the baby up to you at 11.30.

The usual advice is to move the breastfeeding earlier in the routine, full them up with milk then do a nappy change/pyjamas/something else from your bedtime routine and soothe them. But honestly good luck stopping them falling asleep while feeding, it's the same with a bottle or breast! If mine could keep their eyes open, I read Goodnight Moon and held their hand.

Mine naturally stopped breastfeeding to sleep in the middle of the night around 6.5 months and it was a bit of a **show while we came up with a new soothing solution.

Another one saying I'd roll with it for now, perhaps trying a bottle of expressed milk or formula, if you want or need Dad to do some bedtimes. The whole 'don't feed to sleep' thing is inherently an uphill battle. Breastfeeding releases sleepy hormones, so baby naturally drifts off to sleep.

To be honest four months is probably too young, however my baby never took a bottle so my advice may be useless! I breastfed him to sleep until about 14 months old when he started taking a strawcup bottle of cows milk a little while before bed and then he just suddenly started settling to bed with a story and back rubs. Looking back I used to feel really overwhelmed doing the nights but now they’re over I realise he literally just changed up the routine when he was ready to x

It's completely normal and healthy for a tiny baby that young to breastfeed to sleep. There are literally sleep hormones in your breast milk that are more concentrated at night to help your baby sleep. Your baby needs it for food and to feel safe and sleepy. Your body/your baby know completely what they are doing.
Of course if you don't want to do it that's fine but don't let anyone make you think you're doing anything wrong.

4 months is a good age to make changes to the sleep routine if you want to as it should only take a few days.

I would do pick up put down - so dad cuddles baby with the dummy until almost asleep then lays them in the cot and shushes them and pats/rocks them in the cot.
If baby gets upset dad picks up and cuddles/calms again - once calm put back in the cot and pat/rock.
Repeat as many times as necessary until they fall asleep.

It depends on what you want to be able to do I think. If it's to go out or be off the clock from e.g 7pm then I would move the feed earlier in the routine as others suggested. I breastfed DD at 6ish then she'd have a story and be cuddle/rocked to sleep so I could handover to DH when the feed was done. But DH did a formula feed at 10.30ish from birth to 1 year and we also didn't create a feed to sleep association - I'd feed when she woke up from a nap and we cuddled/rocked her to sleep.

Thanks so much for the advice everyone, really appreciate it. The hope was that my partner might be able to get baby to sleep without me so that if something happens and I can't be there one evening they can get on ok without me - it's not likely to happen often, if at all, but it would give me peace of mind to know it's be ok if it does. Also wanted partner to take some more responsibility to care for baby too, but do you think then while she's still so young best to just alternate the nights we put baby to sleep and on "his" night I just pop in for the "breastfeeding to sleep" part only?

If you can't be there for some reason one night, baby will be fine. As they get older things change all the time. In terms of getting you partner to take more responsibility - is that you feeling like that or him? He can do nappies, dressing, bath time etc? I understand you might want him to do alternate bedtimes when baby is older but there's no need to worry about starting that too early.
But yes there's no reason why he can't do the previous bit of the routine and you do the feeding part. At that age I'd still be feeding them to sleep in my arms on the sofa watching TV then just take them up with me at bedtime - are you trying to leave them their own room or do you stay after baby is asleep?

Let me know when you find a way. My nearly 3 year old is still devoted to it.

Aha ok maybe I am being a but premature then, thanks! It's just me to wants my partner to get a lot more involved

My partner did one of the feeds in the night for weeks (formula) or did the nappy change then brought the baby to me, until the baby dropped to a single night feed (5 months? Can't remember). I would also thrust the baby at him at soon as he came in the door so he could take baby for a sling walk if LO was being particularly fractious.

The shocking reality is that, while Instagram tells you everything should be 50/50, when babies are this small, most of it is on you and you will be the default parent for a long time. Small babies really need you.

And the hardest part about breastfeeding is not the early cluster feeding days or the mastitis or the sore nipples, in my opinion. It's that being your baby's sole source of food gets very very very exhausting after a while. The relentlessness and the lack of options is mentally horrible. I remember felling extremely stuck. I didn't want to go out but I wanted the OPTION to go out.

He should help in other ways as much as possible. He should give her the bath, do nappy changes, and take her for a long walk either in the morning or after work, depending on his schedule.

Once you start weaning, make sure he makes some of the food. Once baby is established on solids (by around 8/9 months) you will start getting more freedom and it's all the way up from there.

I breastfed my child to sleep until around 3 months. He'd go into a deep sleep and I'd put him into his crib. All good until he stopped going into a deep sleep so I couldn't put him down into his crib without waking him. I was spending hours with him in my arms and then he'd still wake as soon as I put him down or passed him to his dad. So I couldn't even go to toilet. So from around 3.5/4 months I made a change - rather than hoping he'd fall deep asleep in my arms, I accepted that wasn't going to happen. So I fed him but kept him awake - as soon as feed finished I read him a short picture book and then cuddled him while I sang a couple of songs and then placed him in crib awake. I stuck to that routine from them on - feed, book, song, bed. The first few nights I had to basically hold him in his crib for about 2 hours+ (singing softly the same three songs on repeat!) as he'd get upset if I left. But gradually the time decreased, and then I was able to just sit beside the crib with just a hand on him (still singing!), and then sitting beside him without touching him, and then sitting a bit further away. Until the day I put him down and he went to sleep and I walked straight out of the room. Took about 4 weeks to achieve, a long month where I basically sacrificed my evenings but I didn't want him to be upset/left crying so I took it slowly. Once established,his dad was able to do the same routine, and because the feed is separated from the sleep it doesn't matter if the baby is breastfed as can be handed to partner for the book/cuddles part.

I used a method from Dr Jay Gordon but it isn't recommended before a year. It worked, it was just the comfort for DD not about needing food

wombambino.de/en/blogs/marina-schmidt/nachts-abstillen-nach-gordon-so-funktioniert-es?srsltid=AfmBOoq3LilbpNcFdF2Mg5G-Ronf_eHnXX-K8NUaDehoYmJGy_Jp5mj4

You can put your baby to bed without feeding to sleep if you want, it's a totally valid choice and no better or worse than anyone else's choices.
I always did 50/50 bedtimes with my partner, and I didn't feed my younger two to sleep at all, and it worked for us.

I agree with this, it's not premature and if you want this then it is important.

I would focus on separating feeding from feeding to sleep, there are some good examples here of how you can fit the feed earlier in the routine and then Dad can do the rest (possibly all of the rest for a few weeks actually so you can establish new routines). If it feels right, then that feed could be a bottle sometimes if you're away.

This is what I'd do personally, til they're a bit older. To be honest thinking about it my husband has almost always done my baby's change and then teeth too once they started arriving, before bed. But he doesn't have a routine other than that anyway. Then I would take him to feed to sleep. As your baby gets older they may sometimes finish feeding and not feed to sleep anyway. When that happens I have given him to his dad to settle to sleep. There were tears sometimes but there were tears with me in those circumstances anyway when I kept him.

BUT it is up to you. Like more recent PP said if you really want dad to give bottle and settle alternative nights of course they can do that. There's nothing wrong with it but yes you might find it takes baby longer to settle to sleep that way and they might be upset for awhile until they get older.

In terms of involving dad, I've breastfed all my 3 for varying amounts of time and I've never found it's affected how involved my husband has been tbh. Feeding is one important part of caring for a baby but there are many other parts that dad can do. Honestly half the time my 13 month old doesn't want to know me if his dad's around! He will come for breastfeeding when he wants then as soon as he's full he will practically try to leap out my arms to go to dad!

Both mine breastfed to sleep. When they got a bit older they accepted that when I was out Dad just gave them a cuddle and sometimes a cup of milk. It's very normal for them to be breastfeeding to sleep.