Anyone had a very difficult 7 year old that turned out ok?

[gratefulmumm]

The family feels like it's breaking. My 7 year old is making everyone's lives hell. His moods and tantrums are so bad.. I'm at breaking point where I've tried everything and can't cope with it anymore.

His dad and I are separated and have been for 4 years but in the last 4 weeks the separation anxiety has gotten so bad. But even when he is with his dad his moods are low and he is so emotional and angry. Then when he is with me all he sais is 'I want my dad.

I feel so bad for him because I feel like I'm at breaking point where I can't even comfort him anymore. I know how awful that sounds but I feel like have nothing left..

I've tried everything, empathy, spending time with him, he doesn't like to talk about his feelings.. I'm booking therapy for him and taking him to be assessed but I just feel like such a terrible parent and I can't help him.

Hi!

My 7 year old has actually become much better regarding everything since we moved house 4 weeks ago (it was our previous house/living with my stepdad that I think made him just absolutely relentless). I'm not suggesting it's the environment that's making your son feel this way! I just wanted to say that I understand, and it more than likely will get better.

Do his school do ELSA? I found that this really helped my son, because he could talk to someone regarding his feelings that didn't include me or my mum. It didn't work straight away, but he still goes for sessions occasionally now and he's actually talking about how he feels! He started ELSA at the end of year 1 and is in year 3 now.

I tried approaching CAMHS, but they were absolutely fucking useless so I gave up with them.

If you can afford it, you might be able to look into private therapy for him. I can't afford this so haven't looked into this for my son, but if he needs it in the future, I will be.

It's so hard, but it does get better x

That must be so hard. How long is it since you’ve been separated? Is the relationship amicable?

I think I would talk to his Teacher and ask of he’s having any problems at School and like the PP suggested, ask if any ELSA is available.

Does he have regular days when he’s with his DF? What do you say when he says he’s missing his Dad?

I have a child who was very difficult at this age (for different reasons) and they do gain more tools and insight as they age.

ELSA is a good idea.

Thankyou so much @GarlicBreadStanI'll look into Elsa! Can I ask what the situation is with your stepdad?

im looking into private therapy at the moment but it just takes a while to find the right person... it feels like WW3 in our house at times.. its awful.

thankyou for you post

If it’s feeling like WW3 how is he behaving exactly? Is he defiant?

How is his speech and language?

How is he in School? Is he keeping up and maintaining friendships?

Does he have much screen time? I found gaming at this age to be exceptionally tricky as DS throw huge tantrums if he had games for more than 30 minutes.

My stepdad was just very controlling of how my son could express his energy. If he jumped around too much downstairs, he would shout at him and tell him to shut up because he was trying to watch the TV, even if my son was being quiet while jumping around. We bought jumping mats and that didn't seem good enough for my stepdad, either. My son ended up just spending all of his time in his bedroom because he didn't feel welcome downstairs.

So me, my mum and my son moved out of my stepdads house and into our own house and within a week my son's behaviour completely changed! He still has problems sometimes, and it's still early days as we've only been in the new house for about 5 weeks, but my son was having meltdowns every other day at my stepdads house. In the past 5 weeks, he's only had one meltdown x

My DS (11) is getting easier as he gets older (touch wood furiously)
He was one for screaming tantrums, defiance and more tantrums. Rage with his older sister who could wind him up.
He needs good sleep and plenty of chill time at home. He is his own person and needs to shine away from his sister, this seems to be important.
Changing school for year 3 had a big impact, he’s really tried at school, he’s not massively academic but he wants to do well so he works hard and gets involved with stuff - drama/music and sport etc. Now year 7 and his behaviour is excellent. He responds really well to praise, encouragement and rewards - even very small rewards.
There are moments when my heart sinks when he explodes but this can be momentary and he can get out of it quickly/apologies and move on.

DD1 was horrendously hard to manage at that age - would lash out at me at the slightest provocation and was incredibly emotionally volatile. Lockdown didn't help either.

She's 13 now - can be a bit of a gobby so and so but she's actually a kind, caring, funny and responsible young woman - with an incredibly low tolerance for stupidity or ineptitude which has (so far) kept her out of the worst of the teenage nonsense. She's always going to have a quick temper but she's learning to manage it and it blows over quickly.

Thankyou @SleafordSods we've been separated four years and we get on very well. He had a review from school and they did say he had low moods, was playing on his own and had a panic attack. He sees his dad every two days but me more as I have him after school every day. I try and reassure him when he sais he misses his dad but honestly it's constant.

An example of behaviour - if we tell him off he'll stomp and storm upstairs then cry hysterically in his room. I can't get him to calm down because he doesn't want a hug or anything but it can go on for ages.. sometimes I sit in his room with him and try it distract by playing the piano... it might stop for a bit but then he'll kick off again..

He doesn't have much screen time although yesterday I ended up letting him have more as it was the only thing keeping him calm.

@GarlicBreadStan that sounds horrible I'm sorry. I'm glad you moved it must have been an awful situation to live in.

I worry sometimes because things can be tense in our house but it's hard to know if that's partly to to with DS behaviour.. an example - last night I had made dinner for the boys last night.: DS1 (7year old) had finished and asked for fruit.. . I said sure and went to get it- DH hugged and looked pissed off and was annoyed i was getting DS1 fruit because he didn't think he'd eaten enough.. now DS2 (his child who is 1) wanted fruit too and DH got even more annoyed and said DS2 (his son was being disadvantaged) because he now wanted fruit too and hadn't eaten enough dinner... atmosphere is just so tense... DH ended up saying that DS1 and I should go upstairs.. I guess this is just normal family squabbling but it feels so tense..

No Thats is not normal family squabbling at all.

In hindsight it might have been better to ask DS1 to wait until everyone had finished eating before he had any fruit but your DH’s reaction can’t have helped how your DS1 is feeling or contributed to harmony in the house.

Was DS1 in the room when your DH huffed? Did he had your DH refer to “his son”? And was he there when you were both ordered upstairs?

Yes we were all there... sorry if I made it confusing- DH didn't refer to DS2 as 'his son' but by his name..I don't know what to do... I know it's not ALL DH but I don't know if small things like that would affect him? If I knew it was then I would make him leave... does none of that sounds like normal family squabbling to you? I'm so confused I don't even know anymore.. x