How can I make transitioning between me and exH less upsetting for my DD?

[Ifatreefalls]

My 5 yo DD’s dad and I separated when DD was one so all she’s ever known is living 50/50 between our homes. This doesn’t make it any easier for her though. Her dad’s always been very hands on and involved in her life and she’s really close to him and we’ve always co-parented well and shared 50/50 custody. We split the week down the middle. She’s always struggled leaving whichever parent she’s just been with though, although she struggles much more leaving me. When I pick her up it’ll be “I want to stay with daddy” and a few tears but as soon as we leave she’s fine. But when her dad picks her up she gets hysterical, clinging to me, begging to stay, crying her eyes out, screaming and sometimes hitting him. She has to be carried away everytime. It’s horrible and really upsetting. I’ve tried talking to her about it, reminding her how much of a good time she has with her dad, how much she loves him, that she’s always back with me in a few days, encourage her to make goodbyes as quick as possible because she’s usually fine straight after leaving but nothing seems to make a difference. It’s so painful seeing her like this, I just want to scoop her up and take her back with me but obviously that’s not an option. She struggles leaving either of us at school too and cries every morning, and did the same all throughout nursery, not as bad as she does with her dad picking her up though. Any suggestions on how to make these transitions easier for her?

The posters smugly stating 50/50 doesnt work are not helping the OP at all. And they are also wrong, it's worked for my kids. We did 2/2/5/5 as a previous poster suggested. Both children thriving. I would never have forced them to only have EOW with their dad, or god forbid with me.
Going back to court to try and overturn the first court order will just waste tens of thousands of pounds and increase stress for all of them. And the court could just say the father should be the main parent at the end of it.
Can your daughter get some psychological support with her distress? As it's not just the leaving you she's struggling with, it's daily school drop offs as well, which is very unusual at age seven. If you can swap over on a school day it might be easier, or get a trusted relative to help, have a treat for her at her dads? Something to take her mind off the changeover might help.

"Or they’ve not got their PE kit for two days time or their toothbrush, or the book that they need to bring in on a Tuesday, or whatever it is. Believe me, it’s horrible. Let alone if there’s a party or a play date, and the other parent wants it to be ‘their’ time with the child instead because they’re rigid about the 50/50 spilt, so the child misses out on a lot of the fun things."

This is NOT how it is, if the parents are organised and cooperate with each other. As if the child would not have a toothbrush at both houses, come on. If anything is forgotten one of the parents goes and gets it/ drops it off. No drama. No child needs to miss out on parties either, either parent can take them?

Honestly it's unhelpful to keep telling the op that 50.50 doesn't work when it's not her choice and to be fair no one is suggesting that her dd lives with her dad full time as the transitions are too difficult because the op would never agree to it so why would the dad be expected to. Being away from yours kids half the time is hard , being away for more is even harder. I get why neither parents want to budge on this.

How far apart from each other do you live?

OP, I did the house swapping as well and it is super obvious you are trying hard, AND that you recognise it is hard for her. Resentment set in for me when both my parents, who I do love deeply, settled themselves snugly in their own nice homes and I can guarantee you never worried for a second how I felt or if it was in any way unstabling. Also, never, even in moment of exasperation or frustration, blaming her for forgetting anything - it is super hard to have that level of remembering to do on a weekly basis (it does soundlike you would never do that!). Also bending over backwards to be nice about the other parent, even if they’re assholes, helps immensely.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can in the circumstances you have which is really all anyone can ever do.

Thank you :) yes I’m wondering why the poster who keeps saying they’ll die on the hill of forever believing 50/50 is bad is so against it. There’s pros & cons to every arrangement: sees dad EOW - never gets the chance to build a strong relationship with dad/dad doesn’t really bring dc up. 50/50 - yes some kids MIGHT feel as though they don’t have a stable base but they DO get the chance to be raised by both parents equally, which is super important. There must be a reason that 50/50 is pushed hard in family courts these days. I’m assuming it’s because it’s based on a load of evidence/studies that concludes it’s beneficial for the child 🤷‍♀️ I feel torn because I agree that 50/50 isn’t ideal - I did it as a kid and hated not feeling like a had a proper home. But there is nothing I can do about it!
She’s not 7, she’s 5. I’m planning on asking the school if they can support her, I’m going to give it till after Christmas and see if there’s any improvement

Thank you for your post. I did house 50/50 house swapping too and hated not feeling like I had a real home. What did you find hardest about it? I’m trying to not do the things my parents did to me to my own dd. Some of the things that contributed to how hard it was were my mum’s new bf living with us - suddenly I had to live with a strange man I didn’t even know (I would never do that to my dd), my dad moving a 40 min drive away, so when I was with him I didn’t know anyone in the area and it took 2 hrs to get to school in the morning. I was never allowed to talk about my mum or her bf or how I was feeling etc with my dad, he became emotionally abusive and manipulative. He wouldn’t slag my mum off, but if I said anything nice about her or wanted to spend an extra night there for whatever reason, he would passively aggressively suggest I was some sort of selfish traitor. Then he tried to put the moves on my mum’s best friend which was absolutely mortifying 🤣 I think things would have been very, very different if both of them hadn’t been so selfish about the whole thing

Have you written to your ex and asked him for any ideas/suggestions to try and help DD cope with transitions better?

She may just be more anxious/sensitive than the average child. Do you give her a security item to keep in her pocket at school?

Have you discussed with your DD what would make it easier for her to say goodbye? Would something like a phone call later at Dads house help.

Yes I’ve talked about it with my ex and we’ve agreed to try meeting in the park so she can play for a bit and it’s somewhere neutral. Yet to try it yet though. I’ve discussed it with her too and asked if she can think of anything that’d make it easier but she’s only just 5 so she tends to just say things like “I want daddy to live here” in response. Don’t think she’s old enough to really think about practical things that could make it easier. The security item is a good idea 👍 I might try that

Well, I’d video her hysteria and take the video to court. It is unconscionable that people would do this to their child twice a week. The emotional damage must be immense already.

OP I won’t ever be able to separate whether having highly retaliatory parenting on each side and distance between my parents in every way was what made 50/50 so awful and has affected me long term.

I think in most other circumstances though it is pretty accepted by everyone that from childhood, if you give no long term stability of care or home to a child then they normally will end up worse off in lots of ways.
Like emotionally damaged, people pleasing, no ability to advocate for their own needs or wants, no personal boundaries, no idea what they want or unable to choose for themselves, having to compartmentalise all the time, managing their parents emotions and burying their own emotions. Having court orders over your most essential life basics is a pretty scary situation as a child, especially if you’re not happy with what they say.

This can shape a child into a quite emotionally vulnerable young person, which obviously can affects adult outcomes around work and relationships. Simple things of childhood often can’t happen, like going to birthdays or play dates. Having a rooted constant community of friends or activities is very hard, with 50/50 there is very little free time for the child to be independent away from one of their parent’s world (so missing important chances to gain maturity that way).
It’s very disempowering to feel like everything is revolving around both the parents’ time and their rights to see the child.

I’d guess that whoever said upthread that it is ‘smug’ to feel that 50/50 is bad, probably hasn’t lived it from being a baby themselves so I don’t take that to heart. It’s a shame to dismiss someone else’s experience like that though. So I’m very happy to hear that 50/50 has worked for some parents and hope that their kids feel the same way too.

There are studies out there about how most people get on with 50/50 which might be helpful for balance. And I do understand that there isn’t always a choice in custody arrangements, (and it’s because of that, that I do think very poorly of the men who force 50/50 on their kids and ex partners).

But If 50/50 is such a healthy arrangement for kids then why is it not recommended care for all kids? And why do so many adults not even contemplate it tor themselves? I think it’s because it’s a totally adult-focused concept, so 50/50 is then very much misunderstood by some people to be ‘fair’

I would ask your ex to try (even with a written agreement it’s a temporary trial period due to DDs attachment style) that the pattern is changed so it is drop off & pick up from school. That it has no bearing on 50:50 parenting, finances etc.

I also wonder if you picked her up from school then dropped her off so that Dad gets her out the car etc?

A number of children find transitioning to go to school difficult so read up on that and see what consistency you can find that will also work with handovers.

Also please read “how to listen so kids will talk, and talk so kids will listen”.

Its really important to acknowledge to her that her feelings are valid.

”You don’t like saying goodbye to me and you wish Daddy lived her too. I think we should write it down in your magic wishes & dreams book”

That book is good for how to help your kids manage their feelings, develop critical thinking and trust in themselves.

Can he come inside? Doorstep handovers are horrible.

But if he could come into the house for a cup of tea or something - might that help - I don't know, just throwing it out as a suggestion. Or do you think it would make it more confusing?

I think the key question is - how long does it take her to calm down with Dad? Is it by the time he's pulling out of your road she's happy and chatty in the back of the car or does it go on for hours?

I think you need to establish that because if she's fine within 5 minutes - I'd say do faster and quicker goodbye's. If she's crying with her Dad for an hour or more - then a different approach needed.

I remember when I used to babysit, the kid (same sort of age) would be howling when the parents left. It could take upto half an hour of goodbye's - lots of reassurance and one last cuddles (it was traumatic for everyone!) but the moment the door closed and they left the house, he'd turn round and smile and skip off. They didn't really believe me when I said he was always fine the moment they'd gone, but they knew the kid was happy with me because he always requested me as the babysitter - even over his Grandparents! After this happened a few times, the Dad went round the back to check what was really happening (you could see from the kitchen to the front door). The kid did the usual epic meltdown and screaming and grabbing for his Mum. Dad watched the whole thing. Moment the front door closed and Mum left the kid shouted out - LETS GET SNACKS and ran laughing back into the kitchen only to see his Dad shaking his head at him through the window, haha! Goodbye's afterwards were a 'we're leaving now' and they'd go, sparing the kid half an hour of emotional rigmarole. To some degree they were causing the angst with their long goodbye's.

But every child is different. If my child gets cut short saying goodbye it will lead to a full blown crying meltdown. They need a longer, unrushed goodbye and when they get that then there's no tears and they'll go happily - as long as they can absolutely get that 'one last cuddle' (10 times). My child needs to understand the transition period, what's coming next and feel some control over it and do it in their own time. While it can be a pain when I'm just going to work! There's no tears when I do leave, but on the odd mornings when I'm late and there's no choice, I have to rush out - crying can take half an hour to resolve.