How can I make transitioning between me and exH less upsetting for my DD?

[Ifatreefalls]

My 5 yo DD’s dad and I separated when DD was one so all she’s ever known is living 50/50 between our homes. This doesn’t make it any easier for her though. Her dad’s always been very hands on and involved in her life and she’s really close to him and we’ve always co-parented well and shared 50/50 custody. We split the week down the middle. She’s always struggled leaving whichever parent she’s just been with though, although she struggles much more leaving me. When I pick her up it’ll be “I want to stay with daddy” and a few tears but as soon as we leave she’s fine. But when her dad picks her up she gets hysterical, clinging to me, begging to stay, crying her eyes out, screaming and sometimes hitting him. She has to be carried away everytime. It’s horrible and really upsetting. I’ve tried talking to her about it, reminding her how much of a good time she has with her dad, how much she loves him, that she’s always back with me in a few days, encourage her to make goodbyes as quick as possible because she’s usually fine straight after leaving but nothing seems to make a difference. It’s so painful seeing her like this, I just want to scoop her up and take her back with me but obviously that’s not an option. She struggles leaving either of us at school too and cries every morning, and did the same all throughout nursery, not as bad as she does with her dad picking her up though. Any suggestions on how to make these transitions easier for her?

Can you arrange that the change over is always a pick up from school or neutral territory or person?

Is there another option than splitting the week 50-50? It seems like that isn't working for her.

When I split up with the father of my son, 18 years ago, 50-50 care wasn’t a thing

It just doesn’t work - and that’s a hill I will die on. Of course, there’ll be those who will pop up and say how amazing it is for their kids but in a lot of cases, it’s unsettling for children because they need a permanent base, not all this stupid trying to live in two houses. I mean, would you like to? Probably not.

I get that both you and your husband want to spend equal time with your child but it’s not working for her so something needs to give - unless you embrace that this is how it’s going to be - upsetting for her every single time

I'd do the transition at school, one of you drop her off the other pick up.

I don’t get a choice unfortunately. I wanted a permanent base for her but he took me to court and got 50/50 court ordered

Nope it’s court ordered. Even if it was one week on/off wouldn’t make it easier, in fact it’d probably be harder as she’d have been with me for longer.

Can you gather all this as evidence that 50-50 isn't right for her, and get that changed (in court if necessary)? The court is supposed to choose what's right for the child.

You have my sympathies, some children just find transitions of any kind really difficult. My youngest DS cried every day going into school, until he was about 6, it was a horrible way to start the day for both of us, even though we both knew he actually liked school and had plenty of friends. He just found separating from me really hard. There were no separated parent issues for him, and I think that must be even more challenging to deal with.
As far as you and Ex are concerned, I would try to do the transitions at school, as in, one of you drops her off in the morning, and the other collects in the afternoon, so she is not actually passing from one to the other.
I think I'd also try to arrange it so that if the handover happens out of school, the parent is the one who leaves, not the child. So you meet in a cafe or playground, and then one of the parents goes, rather than have the child and other parent leaving first. And tell her it's going to happen, give her some advance warning, " I'm going to work in a few minutes," and then when the parting comes, do it quickly, no lingering. Don't make a big deal out of it, leave when she's having fun on the swings/eating an ice cream, whatever.

I tried to suggest that too, through my solicitor but it wasn’t granted. I suggested Mon-Thurs one of us, Thurs after school - Mon after school other parent switching week to week (or something similar, basically it worked out pretty much 50/50 but didn’t involve in-person drop offs) but that didn’t work for exH’s work days so the judge granted his suggestion instead

According to my solicitor, courts very much favour 50/50 nowadays and almost always go with that where possible

Would your ex agree to 2-2-5-5? So the same weeknights are always with the same parent -Mon Tuesday with Dad and Wednesday Thursday with mum, and then Friday to Sunday alternates each week? You never have longer than 5 nights apart and the working week looks the same until Friday afternoon. Then you could do all the term time drop offs and pick ups through school.

It suits lots of co-parents who both work Mon-Friday.

If you and ex agree you can vary the CAO without going back to court.

I was your DD in the exact same situation at her age and from a baby of a few months old. My parents were extremely hostile to each other so you are born doing well to keep that part of it cordial.

However I will also die on the hill along with PP above, that 50/50 is very unhealthy and shouldn’t be allowed for kids but especially for young kids. It’s absolutely no credit to your ex at all that he has insisted on this shitty, adult-focused arrangement.

Especially when the separated parents don’t live extremely close by to each other or don’t have very good relationships with each other, which frankly that’s a very tall order, then 50/50 is a recipe for trouble. People don’t split up for no reason when they have very young kids. I do get it.

So given this is distressing for your daughter, could you both massively bite the bullet together and do the thing where the parents transition out of one main home week on week of, so the child can stay put? That’s the only way I think it could work.

Posters saying ‘just pick them up from school’ have no idea of the knot of anxiety that that kid will be having all day at school, about who will be picking them up and what if they’ve forgotten to pack something, or there’s a playdate their parents don’t know about. Or they’ve not got their PE kit for two days time or their toothbrush, or the book that they need to bring in on a Tuesday, or whatever it is. Believe me, it’s horrible. Let alone if there’s a party or a play date, and the other parent wants it to be ‘their’ time with the child instead because they’re rigid about the 50/50 spilt, so the child misses out on a lot of the fun things.

Also when you pick up your children under 50/50 from school there is obviously the total lack of handover between parents about what’s going on for the child. It can be very hard for the child to tell the other parent about what’s going on. So you’re causing the child just to have to deal with a lot of stressful stuff alone which becomes a habit, as does the people pleasing that the child has to do.

This is because the child has to slot in neatly with whatever is happening at the other parent’s house and whoever is there and whatever is going on. I think 50/50 is awful, honestly. The number of adults who will say they wouldn’t live in two places shows you that. You never feel settled.

I’m really sorry because I can see 50/50 wasn’t your plan and I know this can’t be nice to read. You sound like a nice thoughtful mum so please try and make this change if you possibly can. My earliest memories are all of distressing pick ups and drop offs between my parents. It’s really upsetting to do this on purpose to young children. Sorry to be so blunt.

If your ex won’t get on board with the fact this is not working for your daughter, and as it’s court ordered then I don’t know how it works but please go back to the court and say it’s not working for your child with as much evidence as you can manage to get from school or anyone else.

Most schools offer some kind of pastoral support so I'd start with that; ask the class teacher or pastoral lead if they can offer anything to your DD. Some schools offer 1-2-1 sessions with a pastoral TA or even play therapy if you're lucky. And I think you should ask the school rather than going private because I think you need to raise it through "official" channels that she is struggling. If things don't improve even with support then I would suggest mediation with your ex with a view to varying the CAO. The court should always prioritise what's in the best interests of the child so you will need to evidence the impact on her as best you can.

Just a thought but what are you going to do when your DD continues to do this and your Ex only has EoW and one evening a week?

I would adjust the arrangements so she moves back and forth more often, but with less nights away from either parent and see if that reduces the anxiety about when she’ll next see the other parent.
E.g. - Monday afterschool until Wednesday morning with parent 1
Wednesday after school to Friday morning with parent two
Friday afterschool to Monday morning with parent 1
And the the next week naturally swaps so you get every other weekend each.

This is a very good suggestion, thank you :)

People can say 50/59 doesn’t work but I don’t think it’s helpful to op, both parents want the child. I’d say think about getting the school and a professional involved op

Friday from school is a much better option than from the other parents house. We found one week one week much less disruptive for the kids too.

If I go back to court to try and make my house her primary residence my ex will fight it and I run the risk of HIM getting primary custody and me ending up with even less time with her. Granted it’s not likely (I’m more financially stable, she goes to school in my area) however I’ve suffered from depression in the past that has caused a lot problems in my life (although nothing that majorly impacted by ability to care for DD) and I know my ex will use this against me (as he tried to do last time we went to court but failed). It’s just not a risk I’m willing to take at the moment.

If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of permanent impact did always living between two homes have on you? And do you think it was the two homes or the hostile relationship between your parents that caused it? I’m very worried about the impact on my DD’s mental health because she just gets SO distressed every time. We do both love her very much though and for that reason we always act friendly and happy with each other in front of DD. We never let her see us argue & never talk badly about the other to DD.

I also lived between my mum and dad’s houses but not until I was 13, so I experienced different issues than my DD likely is. I never felt like I had a home (but that was due to step-parents making me feel uncomfortable I think) and hated living out of a bag. However my parents were extremely unsupportive and borderline abusive so I think that was more the issue.

There’s no way my ex would entertain the idea of sharing the same house and moving out when the other moves in. It’s something I would be open to, I’d be open to anything to make this better for DD, but he just wouldn’t

I don't know if you're amicable enough for this but I know two co-parents who have their kid 50/50, every week they have a family dinner with both parents there (taking turns to host) so that parent gets to see the child (and vice versa) on their week away from them. I don't know if that would help with the transition/missing you or make it worse though and I think it must take a very civil coparenting relationship to make that work, which I imagine is quite rare.

If she's like this at school too, I don't think it's a custody thing. DD was the same at this age - really struggled going into school or anything that required her to leave me (in particular) and it went on for YEARS. I hated it. She was worse with me than with DH.

I would agree that ideally make your changeovers post-school if you can, so at least you only have to deal with the meltdowns AT school. I am not sure how your days currently work but if that's possible, while keeping the schedule the same, that might make it a bit easier.

So you would’ve been happy if your child’s father had them 90% of the time and you had them EOWE?

I have 0 experience of this but would a visual calendar help? Maybe a card she carries around so she can see what days it is? It must feel out of her control of she doesn't have a concrete sense of Thursday = mum, Friday = dad.