Weekends: fair schedule for parenting toddler?

[AgingLikeGazpacho]

Wondering what's the fairest way of divvying up parenting during the weekends for a breastfed 15 month old. At the moment I feel I get 0 time to myself and even showering and basic self care is guilt ridden as husband can't wait to palm the baby off on me again as soon as possible. He'll often just hover in the same room as me which means she's whinging about me not holding her / playing with her.

I'm working full time, and that includes 2 hours of work on a Sunday. I do all overnight wake ups. She tends to wake up at least 3 times a night and often wants breastmilk so for now it makes sense for overnights to be me.

The only thing that's working for me at the moment is that I've negotiated being able to sleep in until 10am on the weekend as otherwise I'm exhausted.

Yesterday husband looked after the baby for 5 hours total (cumulative, not straight). Today it's looking like it'll be the same (this includes the 2 hours I'm working). He never leaves the house with her so they'll often pop up wherever I am and as soon as she sees me she wants me.

The problem is that husband won't do much housework (does laundry, cooking and a bit of gardening but not vacuuming, cleaning kitchen/bathroom) while I'm looking after the baby so then during my time "off" I'm often just catching up on chores or quickly hoofing down a meal/showering etc. So whilst 5 hours feels like it should give me plenty of time it really doesn't feel that way, especially if I've slept through half of it (catching up in the morning after a crap night).

I guess I naively thought parenting would be closer to 50:50 at this point and that I'd at least have an hour a day fully to myself.

Baby is a bad napper so that only opens up an hour a day where she needs absolute silence (we tried getting her accustomed to background noise from birth but it just resulted in overly short naps and her being grumpy when awake).

I guess if she was a better sleeper then it wouldn't be so bad - would feel better rested generally and have a few hours to potter about the house when she is napping.

Looking for advice/insight on how people who are happy with their parenting arrangements are using their weekends?

Why won't your husband step up? Why can't he take your child out? Why can't he vacuum? Why isn't he bothered that you're exhausted?

We have an uneven split in the week during the week due to work but weekends are largely 50:50. We both get a lie in, we both get chance to exercise, see friends, have time to ourselves. I sympathise with having a terrible sleeper, it's dreadful but there's no excuse for your husband not doing his share.

You have a husband problem! I think you need to sit him down and spell this all out for him. If he cares about you then he will want to step up, and if he doesn’t, well that’s an answer as well isn’t it? Can you address him not wanting to take baby out as well, is it a confidence thing you could work on with him?

This is silly. Being breast fed at that age is irrelevant - she enjoys it and it's good for her, but she is on proper food and he could take her away for a weekend without issue. Except he can't, because he's lazy. I'd honestly say that you've booked soft play 10-12 and send him out. And then sit down.

Well, he sounds like a useless waste of space. Was he like this before your DC was born?

As you both work full time everything should be 50/50. Everything. You are joint parents.

You need to sit down with him and spell this out.

Or leave. I don’t think I could be with a man who needed this spelling out.

Thanks - I think he does think he's doing a fair share despite me telling him otherwise. I guess I've read so many dismal stories here that I'd almost accepted that 5 hours is ok.

The part that pisses me off most is that he times everything poorly - e.g baby is currently napping on me and he hasn't had lunch yet. He also isn't doing anything vaguely useful, just chilling downstairs. I'm taking her out for an event from 4-7pm so it's not like he won't have time to relax later. Whenever I bring this up he claims that doing cooking/cleaning will wake her up despite me telling him that she doesn't wake up if she is on me (she is only terrible at independent napping)

Am tempted to do the mumsnet advice of booking myself into a hotel one day to give myself some time to myself.

I have a conference coming up and had to book same day flights to attend, if I were a dad I could've stayed the night and had some fun/an early night. Guess I'm feeling a bit bitter. Am trying to remind myself that this is just a brief period...

I assume he was bad at doing housework pre-baby? You need to have a conversation with him about that.

He was good prior to DD, I don't think he is being intentionally lazy just really disorganised and fearful of looking after her alone.

I think the PP who mentioned confidence is correct. He has never looked after her for longer than 2 hours and the longest outside of the house was about an hour. Every time I mention him taking her to a class he looks scared!

It won’t be a brief period. If he’s useless now when you really need him, he’ll remain useless.

Again - was he like this before you had DC?

Sorry, just read your latest. Well, he needs to put in his big boy pants and get in with it.

I would book yourself out somewhere for the day and make your expectations clear (ie you don’t come back to a bomb site).

Oh, and change your flight. Of course you can stay overnight.

I don’t her being breastfed matters during the day does it? If you’re not there won’t she just have food and water? I’d expect the time when you’re not working to be split 50:50 with a mix of family time and a couple of hours each where you can chill, go to the gym or whatever you want to do whilst the other has sole charge of the baby. If he’s laking confidence he can start small and push the pram to the playground, push her on the swings for a bit and then come home. The only way he can gain confidence is to step up and start parenting. I’d also rethink the overnight for the conference. You deserve a night off and now baby is 15 months old maybe time to think about night weaning, which will best done by DH since he doesn’t have the boobs, and it might improve her sleep.

Why can only dad's get to stay overnight? I know you're breastfeeding but the baby isn't reliant on breast milk at this point.
Use this conference as a starting point. Stay overnight and get him used to it.
You shouldn't have to force him into being an equal parent but this is where you are.
Can you work out of the house for those 2 hours? At a cafe/library/co-working space?
As long as you're there he'll keep treating you as the default parent. You need to remove yourself from the situations and let him get on with it.
Start arranging things for yourself to do at least once a week in the evening and for a couple of hours at a weekend, socialise, exercise or even just sit in a pub/cafe with a book. In the long run you'll become more equal parents and your relationship will improve

Thank you everyone, I'll book some events to get myself out the house and leave him in charge for a few hours. Night weaning is also a good shout, I'd love nights to be 50:50.

Unfortunately can't do the Sunday job out of the house as I need my piano for it, but will take the rest of the comments on board.

Today I brought up that I was tired of him constantly hovering near me when I'm showering/eating and I just need some peace from the baby whilst catching up on basics and he decided to go off in a huff for a walk (he never goes on a bloody walk). Really angry at his response.

We had some problems in this area, my son is also 15 months and breastfed. I went back to work at 6 months ( I don't live in the UK) but i was still doing 99%of everything parenting related, partly because of guilt. I had a huge breakdown 2 months ago. Just exhausted, mentally and physically.

After a tough week of introspection, i decided to be brutal. I don't ask, i TELL DH to take him to the playground.

I TELL him that I'm going for a drink after work so he has DS for the evening and he needs to be home at 5 on the dot.

I take myself out for an exercise class on Sunday. I don't ask permission, i just announce it.

I count the minutes of childcare every day, not to divvy it up exactly but I instinctively basically do 100% otherwise.

I also decided to night wean DS 2 weeks ago so for 3 nights, DH did all night wakings (if i went in, DS could smell the milk on me). 3 hard nights but we're done BF at night now.

I purposely stay longer at the office sometimes and I stopped WFH (also because DS knows I'm home now and he just bangs on my office door and it makes my nanny's life a lot harder).

I still do more than DH but it's a lot better. I feel more human and I'm starting to lose the baby weight too.

However, my DH is pretty good and receptive. He just took all this on board, zero arguments. He is a good dad but, like many men, didn't really step in. I had to step away and force him to do it. He is also an excellent dad and I trust him 100% with DS.

Also, very important, do not use your child free time to do chores. Go see a friend, go exercise. Leave majority of chores for later.

Let them to pile up and tackle them after DS goes to bed or do them with DS.

I bought a toddler tower for the kitcken so DS is next to me when i do the dishes and clean now. He loves it.

Recently i also started to put him in the high chair, I tape paper on the high chair tray and give him a big crayon.

Love this. I've been doing some of this but husband always then acts like he's done me a favour/ like I'm being a bit unreasonable. Think I'll just be firmer and vacate the house more since he won't

Sorry, one more thing, before i started doing all the above, not only did i have a breakdown, but we were fighting all the time. I even posted on MN, everyone told me my relationship is doomed. So i figured i might as well get brutal, pile a bunch of chores and childcare on him. If he finds it too much and runs away, that's on him.

But I refuse to continue to be the grumpy resentful mother that's constantly having a go at him.

So far everyone is much happier.

I would night wean so you can sleep better and she isn't so dependent on you.

Go out for a day or at least half a day and leave DH to it. He needs to just get over his fear of parenting. Have a think if you're undermining his confidence too. I'm not saying you are, but it is very common with first time parents for the Mum to end up constantly hovering over the Dad, criticising everything he does. This then leads to a vicious circle of him doing less and less until he's completely incompetent at looking after his own child. He needs to learn through experience.

Book a regular amount of time to be able to do you own thing and give him the same.

If you possibly can, get a cleaner. Two full-time jobs and a baby is a lot. Take the cleaning out of the equation. Share out what jobs are left equally between the two of you (not to be done in your 'me time').

You work, there is no reason for you to take much more on than him. If he continues to think like that...it's not good.

I will be honest that, if he's an arsehole, he may decide to leave you after all this. Two of DH's best friends divorced while they had toddlers and rave about how much more time they have now and what nags their ex-wives are.

Frankly, if DH goes that way, i'm better off without. So far, he has stepped up (but nagging doesn't work, I have to physically step away).

If you want to stay married, you need to make yourself some free time.

Book toddler into Saturday morning swim sessions and send them both off every week. Make it a routine and non negotiable.

When you’re working, close the door and be unavailable . Take yourself out of the house for a run, walk, drive. Even a trip round the supermarket isn’t too bad when you can take yourself time and get a coffee afterwards.
When the toddler needs a nap, send them out for a drive.

Basically this. You can make the change. You can’t make DH step up, but if he won’t you are better off without him.

Book her a swimming class for him to take her to on a Saturday morning and join library for him to swap the books every week introduce daddy to soft play and the play park.
If he’s not going to take her out you go out on sat morning hairdressers Xmas shopping ect then go work your few hours in a cafe or the library.

He needs to learn how to manage without trying to pass her back every 2 minutes it’s lazy on his part. It will teach him how to care for his own child and that your not her sole parent. I would also consider stopping feeding her overnight she shouldn’t need it at her age as long as she’s eating well offer her a cup of water if she wakes I’m not surprised your exhausted working full time and getting up all night it’s not reasonable or get partner up with pumped milk to feed her at least twice a week and not to wake you at all in the process.
I honestly would book one overnight away he can cope for 1 night with lots of pumped milk it’s a great opportunity for him to learn how to take care of her. Don’t have another child until he can cope with the one he has.

Fair Play: Share the mental load, rebalance your relationship and transform your life

Try this book. They also make a deck of cards that's used to divide out all the tasks that need to be done.

Oh yes the pp has a good point - do not have another child until this is sorted out

Oh yeah my libido has died due to his behaviour. I did book early morning swim classes, he came back looking traumatised after the first session and refused to go again. So I ended up taking her after a few missed sessions.

Never thought I'd be in this position, it's funny how you suddenly wake up one day having realised you've sleepwalked into a life you vowed to never have. We talked so much about sharing duties as parents, both being active, giving each other equal time off. But I do need to now take action and carve out more quality time for myself.

It's been a hugely stressful time for me in general tbh - I was made redundant the week I disclosed my pregnancy at work, had to wrangle job interviews whilst pregnant, landed a job, but had to be on stat mat allowance due to the above, got a new job whilst on mat leave but had to start 6 months into mat leave, been promoted twice since in new job...oh and we were renovating the house throughout (outsourced but mostly managed through me). I've worked really bloody hard for the last 2 years and it's really disheartening to then have to fight my husband to think about giving me free time (and not act like cleaning is my bloody hobby).

Had to get that off my chest. Thank you for your support and making me feel like I'm not being unreasonable. Will devise a plan for night weaning, find an evening class and book a night away so I can start making first steps towards being an actual human again.