Is it time to give in and sleep train?

[Cinai]

Me and my husband always thought sleep training isn’t for us, things will sort itself naturally with time. Also neither one of us is comfortable with the thought of leaving our boy to cry. But I do feel at my limit. Sleep got gradually worse for us, I was ok with the newborn stage because he went back to sleep after each feed and we got 3ish hour stretches. Then we had a few good months with 2-3 wake ups per night. But the last three months we are at hourly wake-ups, and the last couple of nights he can’t even be shhhh-ed back to sleep either, he’ll only sleep if we carry him and walk him up and down the room (but he also has a cold which makes it worse). I had to take next week off work in the hope to catch up on sleep while he is at nursery because I’m a zombie. It’s just not sustainable anymore. He’s 14 months now. A friend keeps suggesting I work with someone she worked with which did miracles, but it involved leaving her baby cry for 30 minutes at the beginning. I just couldn’t…are there any other, more gentle methods? Also there’s not much I can change in terms of his schedule because he’s at nursery and I need to go with their nap schedule.

We did controlled crying with DD at 14mo. She was waking every 45mins and needed rocking back to sleep, by me personally. I was hallucinating with exhaustion.

We did our bedtime routine, put her in the cot, said goodnight and left the room. She cried! Set a timer for 1 minute and went back in, shh and a little pat, back out when she'd calmed down. Timer for 2mins, same thing. We never got past 6 or 7mins.

First night was hard but she slept through. Second night was worse and we had to do a couple of timings, but she did sleep. Third night she whinged a bit but not long, then slept through. After that she used to chat or sing to herself for a bit and then nod off! If she was poorly or teething we'd bring her in with us but it didn't take long to get her back to normal afterwards.

We did it much earlier with DS (9mo). Both of them got it very quickly, it changed all our lives. They were tired too! The change in them was immediate. And it doesn't work for everyone, of course. But they're 11 and 7 now, neither remember it and both of them sleep like logs. They still call for us if they need us but only if they actually do!

@CoodleMoodle that’s exactly how we did it. We never left them for very long and it took 3 nights. Totally worth it for all our sanity.

I did pick up put down when they were young and it worked so well. They would lie in their cot awake and not stressed.

Break it down step by step. Stop with the walking first, then progress from there.

Oh interesting…so did you do the 1 minute, 2 minute.,,, thing every time she woke up during the night, or just when you put her down the first time and then she slept through? My son falls asleep immediately and easily when I put him down in the evening, but then he wakes up again after an hour and this continues throughout the night.

Yes, every time she woke up. That's interesting that he'll go to sleep in the first place - both of mine started shouting as soon as they reliased we'd put them down!

Once he's better you should definitely try some sleep training methods out. Leaving them for short intervals seemed to work for us - sometimes they would've been crying/shouting even as I was rocking them, so I figured it didn't make too much difference if I put them in their warm, safe cots!

As I said, it doesn't work for everyone. But it's worth a try, because being this exhausted is absolute torture. And your DS will be tired as well! The change in my DC's temperament once they started sleeping was amazing, honestly.

Cosleeping? My 15 month old is the same if i leave him to it but with me or DH in bed we get a proper 12 hour night (he does wake and needs a little pat every few hours but it's a 10 second job).

Also, colds are horrible, they can't breathe lying down and can't clear their airways the way we can.

Among my mum friends, it's very very common to do all nighters holding up a sick baby/toddler, we've all been through it, that's not unusual.

Molars come through at this age too. They take weeks and weeks to come through properly and in that time it really bothers them and wakes them up.

Yes, we co sleep too. We start with him in his cot in our room and then take him into our bed when he gets too upset and can’t be sshh-ed anymore in his cot.
It might just be an unlucky chain of events which made things so difficult during these last few months. He started nursery, started to walk, definitely molars coming through as well, and he had a few nursery bugs already….a lot going on for him.

I would consider trying to ride it out until 18 months or so if you can manage.

Firstly, there's no point in trying to address this whilst your little one is unwell. Illness usually throws off even the best sleepers and when they're this little they can't communicate what is wrong e.g. is their chest sore, is their tummy sore, is it cos they have a sore throat or a blocked nose? Or whatever. And I know that you don't want to leave a poorly child in pain and distressed.

Secondly, just ancedotal but my DC2 sleep sounds very similar to yours - used to generally just wake 1-2 times a night for brief feeds from being about 4 months old and would go down awake for bed from 9 months. Slept through 9-10 months ish, started nursery and then had the most horrendous autumn/winter of illness after illness and his sleep was awful. But - around 16 months he started sleeping through consistently again. We moved him into his own room at 18 months and that was that. So you might find similar happens to your LO once they're through the worst of the winter illnesses and are a bit older.

Finally, their understanding and communication is better around 18 months so easier to explain to them that it's time to sleep etc, if you do decide to start some gentle sleep training.

I totally empathise because our DC2 was the same. And our DC3 is 13 months and an even worse sleeper. And always has been, so we are utterly on our knees with exhaustion. But he started nursery about 2 months ago so is now in illness two of the first-winter-at-nursery-illness cycle and it's even worse than usual. So I feel hopeful after riding it all out things will improve. And if they don't then he'll be older and it'll be less confusing for him to make some changes then.

For two nights of anguish our kids have well rested parents who are not at the ends of their tether. I’d do it again in an instant, although my wife told me to do it and that she couldn’t, but we both benefited from the results.

We did this, straight in with us and we all went back to sleep .... sleep is the key thing here! Sometimes DH would go in the spare room but it worked for us.

Dont listen to others who say thats not right or good for your relationship etc. Ignore them. Doesnt last forever remember that. Mines much older now and I so miss the cuddles.

Absolutely but you can’t do it when they are ill.

We tried the 1 minute etc technique and 8 years later I still feel guilty for it, it didn’t work for us and I’m glad we stopped it. In my experience you either get a good sleeper or a bad one. My oldest now sleeps like a teenager haha.

No decent sleep trainer, or at least not obe I’d trust near my DC, is going to work with you whilst your LO is unwell.

And they do sound quite unwell. Are you using a Calpol plugin, a nasal aspirator and some regular pain relief?

Once they’re better i would look at this gentle method of night weaning.

You may also find the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers helpful