Unable to co-parent

[Mel576]

Hello,

i’m looking for advice on how to continue life with the other parent that doesn’t co-parent.

me and my ex have two children together, he doesn’t drive and he only has the children sleep every Friday by his own choice.
he never asks to pick them up from school and have them for tea or go to any softplays or anything on the weekdays.
he relys on his family members giving him lifts to pick the children up and I would usually drive to pick my children back up from him on the Saturday but I’m starting to get sick of many things.
he gives me £120 in child maintenance a month for the two children which works out £2 odd per day per child and doesn’t contribute to anything else, doesn’t help with any extras like school unifrom, after school clubs the children ask to go to or helping to pay for their swimming lessons or at the minute being on maternity pay I’m struggling to afford their school dinners which is £2.40 a day
i have asked if he can pay half of their school dinners and got no reply from him.
he does not want to take any responsibility for these two children, the only thing he seems interested in is his Friday with them and that is all.
i have told him that I cannot afford to be doing the car trips to pick them up on the Saturdays anymore and that he now needs to pick them up on the Friday and drop them back into mine on the Saturday and it has not gone down well.
He is not wanting to do two trips to get the children and bring them home.

in my eyes he pays £120 and has them once a week so doing two car trips isn’t a lot? And shouldn’t be an issue?
I drive them to school Monday-Friday plus drive them to their swimming lessons, drive to get the kids food shopping and generally anything else for those kids.

am I asking for too much here?
is it reasonable to be saying if he wants to see his children he needs to be the one picking up and dropping off? There are buses, taxis and not just relying on his mam for car lifts to pick up his own children.

anyone else that co-parents how do your arrangements like picking or or dropping off go?

also we split up 5 years ago and they have always just slept at his on a Friday and nothing more
the children stay at mine 6 days a week for the last five years. We do not have anything in writing to say that the children’s permanent home is with me who or where do I go to get something like that?
all of their doctors and schools have me and my address down as being where the children’s permanent live.

thank you for anyones advice.

Unfortunately, you can’t make him do more than he’s doing now. It’s awful but there is no way to make him step up and actually parent his own DC.

Is he employed and have you used the CMS calculator to come to the figure of £120 a week?

Yeah for the last five years I’ve realised I can’t force him to do anything I should have been more clear in my message. If he cannot pick and drop off the children so they would have to just stay at home would I then be seen as the one keeping the children from him? I have no issue with him having the children he can certainly have them more than once a week if he ever asked but I just cannot continue to be running about extra for his sake really.

Yes I went to the child maintenance and they calculated it as £128 per month but he got angry and was abusive over the phone and demanded I sort the maintenance out ourselves away from child maintenance, he hounded me for days to close the claim and I stupidly did.
unfortunately I cannot stick up for myself as I left the relationship as he has bad anger issues.. for example I lived for years with holes in my sitting room doors or walls from his temper.
few times when he has picked the children up he has slammed from front door and shouted at me in the street so me being stupid decided to close the claim as I mentally can’t be dealing with all that again I left him to be able to leave all that behind.

If you can’t do it, you need to get somebody else to do it. Have you got a parenting app ?
All communication needs to go through there so that it is documented and you block him on every other medium
He is forced to use it
For the sake of 8 pounds, I don’t think there’s a lot you can do with regards to child Maintainence.
Is he paying regularly?
If so just send him a note on the child Maintainence app. Very neutral saying that you’re happy to continue with £120 a month but if he misses one you will be forced to go to the child maintenance service.

But no, I did really put my foot down on this matter and said if you don’t pick him up, you don’t see him
Not my bloody problem that he moved away
And not your bloody problem that this one can’t drive
A normal person would get an Uber to see their children

Go through CMS for your money and he’ll have to pay the surcharge. Don’t communicate through him just do it. Don’t argue. If he gets angry and abusive end the conversation and block him.
Refuse to pick the children up he’ll have to bring them back himself or stop seeing them. You’ve enabled him for too long. Time to stop it. He does bugger all for them so you stop doing anything for him

No I’ve never heard of the parenting app
sometimes my mam will communicate for me because it gets too much for me stress wise (I know I sound so ridiculous at the age of 30 getting my own mam to communicate for me and I need to really toughen up)

you know the maintenance isn’t the biggest issue for me as for 2 years he paid not a penny and I’ve always found a way to get my children what they need. I’m employed 3 days a week and I appreciate my parents so much as they help with all the childcare while I work and without them we would be so much worse off.
the £120 a month is a drop in the ocean for the two children I just needed to know where I stand on the issue of me telling him if he wants the children he needs to do the pick up and drop off

So then tell him if he wants to see them he can come and get them and leave it at that.