Tell me what challenges you face having had a second child

[FleursDeFilles]

Edit: title should really read as "Tell me what challenges you face having had a second child that you didn't face when you had just one"

I want to feel prepared. DC2 is due January and DC1 will be almost 3 then. DH will have 3 months paternity leave.. but I'm trying to think of what the long term challenges are having 2 children with a fairly close age gap. Am I being naive in thinking it only gets easier? Say when one is 9 and the other is 12.. other than the money element and not having as much as you would if you had just one child, what bit is harder than having just one child? I feel like you would invariably have to do all the same things with two as you would one eg. School pick ups and drop offs, a routine that involves their extra curriculars, healthy cooked meals etc. And so having two children isn't much more labour intensive than having one?

The part I most struggled with when becoming a parent was losing my sense of freedom and not just being able to get up and go out/travel/do a hobby as and when I felt like it. That part won't change having a second and so I suppose I'm wondering what part would be so hard.

Going away becomes harder because you can't just bundle in to one hotel room anymore with a family of 4 (and if you do, no-one sleeps well) Airbnb all the way. Drop offs/pick ups in two different places also take up more time of the day and cut into personal time.

IME nothing is as hard as that shock when you have one - the whole world changes. For me having a second and a third was just adding to that new world.

If I was being harsh I would say your post is rather naive but I think you are actually just being hopeful! Your age gap is still fairly small so I think you will be hit hard by both of your children needing you at the same time but in different ways. To reference your last paragraph, certainly for a while at first it will change because no longer can one of you sub in or out leaving the other one to go off and enjoy their time as easily. Juggling a three year old and a baby is bloody hard work, but it does get easier. You’ll also never realise how much free time you actually had until you have another child! Essentially you take a child each and divide and conquer. Having both kids at the same time, especially when the youngest is so little, is no easy feat. It’ll take a while to find your groove but as with everything with young children, it does progressively get easier especially once you’re out of the trenches.

Initially the guilt of giving something to one and not the other, either buying something they need or even actually just more attention one way than the other. I thought I’d have to always make them the same (or feel the same, at least).

Then I realised that at any one time, they need different things and what I give them will even out over time. E.g. more time on the older one during big transitions or a new toy they’ve outgrown, or more attention on baby during teething periods, and I no longer feel the guilt.

@jonahpops indeed I am being hopeful. I am dreading the newborn trenches... I am grateful for a growing family but also feeling very apprehensive about all the things you mention in your post. I feel like we've only just managed to get sleep back in our lives only for it to be a thing of the past again very soon

We have a three year age gap too and I'd say overall it works well

When they were small DS (oldest child) would go to bed later than DD (baby) but obviously as they've both grown up they now go to bed at the same time: we don't let DS stay up an hour later for example, even though he's 3 years older.

I guess the teenage years 🤯 will be similar to the early childhood ones - vastly different needs etc to accommodate. So if DS is 15 it'll be a totally different approach to what we have with DD when she's 12, for example.

Drop-offs and pickups in two separate places are the biggest headache, and you might get two kids who love/hate the opposite foods or activities.

However SO much of my time has been freed up by them playing and chatting together and entertaining each other so I can sit back with a cup of tea! One even used to listen to the younger one do his reading book!

Obviously that's not at all guaranteed but it's a real perk if you get it.

With reference to both your DC keeping each other company, are they both the same sex?

(Not to say if they're different they wouldn't do that)

I agree with you that the first child is the one that brings the biggest changes, and life doesn’t feel so completely different after a sibling is born. Learning to juggle everyone’s needs is a steep learning curve, as you can’t be everything or everywhere all at once. But I think this got easier within a few months, so it’s great that your partner has three months off - I think you’ll have all adapted by the time he goes back to work! Also, I had a smaller age gap and I think with a three year old the initial transition might have been a bit easier, eg. only hazing one in nappies.

Anyway, I think it’s worth some of the challenges and will work out well. I went on to have a third with the same age gap, so it can’t have been too bad. The little one is still tiny but the bigger two (girl and boy) play together really well most of the time.

My second is 6m, have a slightly bigger age gap than you of 4y3m. One of the biggest things I didn't anticipate was both needing me in the night... When youngest was born, biggest stopped sleeping through and started coming into bed with me, so I had to juggle settling him while simultaneously settling / feeing the baby. In the early days he'd come in and I'd be mid nappy change, and he'd get very excited and would want to help, and nobody would go back to sleep for hours. I truly didn't consider having any other night time antics besides night feeds.

Ahh yep.. we are (stupidly?) still co-sleeping. DD1 is a great sleeper thanks to it - although very excited to sleep in her big girl bed in the room next door so hope we can transition into that successfully before January. That said, I anticipate it will all fall apart once sibling is here 😅

You will be fine! There is so much to be said for having already done the newborn phase before. You don’t doubt yourself as much and you’ll be surprised by how much you remember. Also, your second baby will very possibly be different to your first (depending on the temperament of your first this could be a good or a bad thing!) But if it helps, I really didn’t find myself to be as affected by the sleep deprivation second time round. My theory is that I’d been used to being fairly tired from being a parent for five years already, that I handled the sleepless nights better second time around. You’ll also be so busy with your eldest that time seems to fly by so you’re never in a bad stage for too long with the newborn. And seeing your two children interacting together, especially when your youngest starts smiling and giggling, is the best feeling in the world.

Practically speaking, not been able to put baby 2 down without toddler hitting her over the head with a toy or trying to tip the moses basket over. She pretty much lived in the sling and was raised as a marsupial for the first 6 months. Also if you can, teach toddler to climb into their own car seat now. I had a section with DC2, so couldn't lift toddler for a few months.

Not to be flippant but it just got easier for me when I had a second!

The newborn 'trenches' just didn't exist for me second time - that was a new mother thing, not a new baby thing for me. I just did whatever was easiest and didn't worry as much!

I lowered my standards, leant in to motherhood, and the kids were close in age so from about 10 months they were thick as thieves! They entertain each other no end.

I'd like another now! 😁

Yes they are, and same interests etc - I have friends where the same-sex siblings are like chalk and cheese and they constantly rub each other the wrong way. Would assume for most it's somewhere in between!

Mine are 3&1 for reference

Sleep, nothing quite like being up with a baby that hasn't slept to then a toddler being on the go constantly from 6am

When one gets ill then so does the other so it's more time off work.

Solo bedtimes are hard. You'll end up leaving your eldest waiting for you. A couple of times my eldest has fallen asleep whilst waiting for me to put my youngest to sleep. It absolutely breaks my heart the thought of him waiting for me alone.

Loading two mobile toddlers into a car is interesting 🤣

But I found going from 1-2 much easier than the atomic bomb of 0-1. I'd say it's the extremes of parenting one. The hard moments are indeed harder but that's outweighed by the good and magical, heart swelling moments also being bigger and brighter and more rewarding.

My DC are 3 and 1 so a smaller gap than you. I definitely found going from 1-2 much more difficult than 0-1! DC1 had a lovely temperament and made it so easy to take them along with us, whatever we were doing. DC2 was/is not like that and I still don’t particularly enjoy leaving the house with them so definitely don’t get out and about as much as I did with just 1. Also as a PP said, it’s hard getting up bright and early with a toddler when the baby has had you up all night and is finally sleeping peacefully by the morning.

The point about dealing with a toddler whilst exhausted from being up all night is a good one. It was hell. Might not get that but if you do it's just a case of gritting your teeth and powering through until they finally grow out of it.