I feel like I’m going horribly wrong with my nearly five year old

[whoareyouhidingfrom]

It’s fair to say that I’ve always had a bit of an up and down relationship with my son, who is now five next month. He gets very angry very easily and quickly gets physical. As he’s got older it’s mostly aimed at me; it stops for a while then starts again. It isn’t particularly extreme but it really upsets me.

I know people are going to question how I deal with this and honestly it is really hard as any sort of consequence or sanction just seems to make him angry and escalates the situation. Equally if you try to talk to him calmly you get nowhere.

So tonight I’ve had two incidents. The first was when I smelled something and he was adamant it wasn’t him and I knew it was. I had to pretty much drag him to the toilet and he was laughing his head off and then he refused to sit on the toilet to have a poo (he had soiled himself.) Cleaned him up and afterwards he charged at me and kind of shoved his head into my middle so I’m being shoved backwards. I had to put my hands on his head to push him away and he got really upset, shouting you hurt me … you hurt me.

Then after dinner I could see there was a bit of pee and I told him to go to the toilet. Again, flat refusal. Just kept shouting at me I DON’T NEED A WEE. I had to pretty much drag him to the toilet and he is just horrible, so rude and aggressive.

He isn’t like this all the time and he seems OK at school although he’s only in reception. For my part I am worried about the toileting accidents. He isn’t constipated. Today is a typical days diet; boiled egg and a slice of toast and marmalade, fruit snack at school, school lunch of roast chicken and vegetables and bananas and custard, a snack of an apple and a banana when he came home then dinner was home made chilli. He drinks plenty of water and only water (doesn’t like squash or juice or even milk.) So I don’t see how he could be constipated. And the accidents are only at home not school which does kind of make me feel it’s behavioural.

I don’t know if anyone has any advice about his aggression and refusal to comply.

Had the GP ruled out constipation? I suspect the laughing an aggression is embarrassment.

I would have a look in the ERIC website and contact them for advice.

Hi,

Sounds like you’re having really tough time.
My DS was like this around the age of 5,6, he got quite physical with me and because it coincided with a growth spurt, he was bigger and also less able to know how much it was hurting me. I think it can be a shock to you as much as it is for them. My DS is 7 now and things have really calmed down, so this could just be a phase, especially if you feel this is out of character behaviour for him.

How did his stools look when he soiled him self? Was it runny? If it was, it’s likely he had been holding it in for a long time. You mentioned he is in reception. Was he in pre-school/nursery before or is he spending a lot more time away from you now? It might be that he’s going through something at school; something may have happened in the school toilet that upset him and now he’s avoiding it. It’s worth having a chat with the teachers at school.

Hope this helps😊

Soiling himself at this age is unusual. I would read up on the ERIC website as suggested above and talk to your GP.

The book 10 days to a less defiant child should help with his behaviour at home.

I think it’s also worth speaking to his Teacher and asking if they have any concerns at all.

The school nurse service might alao be able to help you.

It could be overflow from impaction when he goes. Alternatively, if he is neurodivergent, he could have difficulties recognising the signals which tell him that he needs to go. My son has adhd and at 12 he just has to visit the loo at regular points of the day or he has accidents.

What’s your gut feeling on this @whoareyouhidingfrom?

I feel like I’m not doing a very good job parenting him, is my honest instinct. I don’t think he’s constipated - the fact he never has accidents at school suggests to me it’s behavioural not medical.

No necessarily. Maybe he doesn't need to poo at school? Mine never does. He goes first thing and then sometimes again before bed.

How often does he poo?

I'm not sure why you're convinced his diet means he isn't constipated. It doesn't sound particularly high fibre from that snapshot.

The wee accidents, is it a full blown emptying of the bladder or more of a wet patch?

Personally I'd go to the GP and see if they can rule outa urine infection and constipation with overflow.

The good news is he’s four and you can change a lot of things in a day or two and he’ll adapt quickly.
At the end of a school day it’s pretty challenging because they are tired and also still getting used to school. You might find it easier to try new things in the morning or at weekends.
It sounds like there’s another parent so stepping back a bit on being the one who takes him through the routines may also help, because then you won’t always be the one taking him away from what he wants to do.
It sounds like he might not like the feeling of sitting on the toilet. You could try a story like Poo goes to Pooland or make one up to encourage him and change the dynamic.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, they feel like they’re growing up at this age but their brain doesn’t always catch up.

Lots of kids are completely different at school than at home, that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it's actually kind of that you're their safe space. After a day at school full of demands, they can't always cope with more demands, even if those demand are that they are hungry and need the toilet and sleep.
The only solution I found is basically to set a fixed dinner time, fixed toilet time and fixed time to go to bed. Also plenty of high fibre cereal.
We started on bran sticks (he eats loads as cereal is a safe food for him) but now he seems to like other healthy cereals and he's in the routine
Good luck! Consistency is key.