To have a third or to remain at 2. Honest experiences please.

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

Hi all. I’m a 35 year old mother of two and work 30 hours per week within perinatal mental health services. I recently completed a foundation degree and would at some point like to top this up and become a registered mental health nurse. My boys are 8 and 4, they’re wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. My husband works full time predominantly from home and is in the process of trying to launch his own business after working for 20+ years in sales. We are generally a happy family, although quite a lot of stress (eldest dislikes school, youngest seems to be going through lots of rage at the mo, multiple pets in the house, work pressures, financial pressures).

Both me and my husband have been for the last year going back and forth with having another and final child. I think we both had always envisioned having three before we actually experienced parenting, and I’ll be honest and say I do long for a daughter. I know this isn’t a statement many on Mumsnet approve of, but for me it’s a real feeling and it’s probably because of the relationship and experience I had with my own mother. I appreciate that we never know what sex our children will be and I genuinely love life with my boys. I would also say that I’m not anti having another son so it’s not the only reason for wanting another.

There are quite a few things that make me question moving forward with such a big decision such as more children -

practicalities of a third child
limited time with each child as it’s already hard splitting myself with the two I have
financial pressures and having to forfeit certain trips or holidays
mental health concerns - I was very unwell postnatally with my first and highly anxious in pregnancy with my second although very healthy and well once he was born.

I would really appreciate honest experiences and even advice on what you would do if this were yourselves.

im finding it so hard to decide what to do. I’m passionate about my job and progressing as a nurse but wonder whether this is always something I could do later on.

I have no experience, having chosen to stop at one. However, my brother had some good advice:

"When you have 2 children there's always one parent or one hand for each of them. One you have 3, one of them always goes rogue"

I have 2 (3 and 1 yo) i want a third but time isnt on my side so cant leave a biggger gap. We are close to critical mass and if a 3rd had additional needs or we had twins! I think our house of cards would collapse tbh so decided not to 🥲
Your kids are bigger so its a bit different

The question i would probably ask you is would you be okay / happy with your choice for a third of it was a. A boy and b. Of poor health.

Because its a very real possibility...
If you would be okay crack on

Children are such a joy and i wish i had started earlier!!!

The only regret I have in life is that we didn’t go for a third child (for medical reasons).

At the age your boys are, with a job and pets, you’re at peak stress and that would only get worse with a baby in the mix.

But once they’re more independent it’s very easy to look at those years and how you “suffered” through them only to emerge with three children who - hopefully - bring you joy and happiness and fulfilment. Those stressful years age you, and can be truly difficult, but the rest of your and their lives will be different.

But there are no guarantees. Our family set up couldn’t have handled the risk of twins or a child who couldn’t reach independence. I couldn’t have coped if our marriage had ended in divorce. All the things that could go wrong would have been so much worse with a third. But then I look at my two together, hanging out and laughing, and so regret there isn’t another one for them and for us.

It sounds like you have plenty on your plate already. I'm 1 of 3. I can't remember having any quality time with one or both of my parents (without my brothers, I was the only girl). I do remember having to spend a lot of time traipsing about to each others' activities. We're sticking at one, I want my daughter to have our full attention and time. My mental health was pretty rubbish during my 1 year maternity leave and has massively improved since returning to work. I have no desire to do it again! We both need quiet alone time to feel mentally well, I can't see how we'd have this with a 2nd.

You really cannot underestimate how hard it is - if this is a head over heart decision stop at 2

But I wouldn't change anything for the world, I finally felt I was complete when my 3rd was born

But it is chaotic and stressful!

I didnt want to be as direct but what @canklesmctacotits mentioned was also my fear.
I didnt want to risk separation, / divorce i wouldnt deal with it well.

I have two a bit younger than yours and a more stable financial position and we are definitely done. The thought of adding another to the mix sends me over the edge!

So far it’s not looking positive. I’m trying to persuade myself that it would be a good idea but head says no.