Mum driving me mad

[hehems]

I’m not close, close with my Mum but we meet once a week for coffee.

She's a good person but was unintentionally quite neglectful when we were growing up. I can see now it’s because she had/still has no clue how to do anything, rather than it coming from a bad place.

I have 2 kids (5&8) and while she’s helped a bit, she’s never actively Offered any help and can be quite selfish (again, I can tell it doesn’t come from a bad place).

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and have been really ill throughout Pregnancy (seizures, high blood pressure etc). Again, no offer of any help but I didn’t expect it & knew she wouldn’t offer. Just messages saying how worried she was.

Anyway, she’s suddenly developed really bad depression and anxiety (she hasn’t been like
this previously). She’s now ringing me all the time (never rang before), sending constant messages (used to only message once or twice of an evening). The messages are her worrying about what she was like during our childhood, worrying she’s upset me, questioning all of her texts, really overthinking every single thing she says. She wants my constant reassurance. If she messages and I don’t message back within the hour, she will send another text worrying that she’s done something wrong.

I haven’t got the capacity to keep reassuring her. I don’t want the constant messages. I don’t want the phone calls. She says she knows she’s being selfish and she won’t be like this when I have the baby.

What am I meant to do? She’s never been there for me really, but now wants me to be her knight in shining armour. Not that I’m bothered about the fact she hasn’t been there for me, but I can’t be the crutch she needs right now.

We’re the sort of family that never tells each other what we think. Everyone gets really offended if we’re honest with each other etc, but maybe I have to be? Also, maybe I’m just being a dick?

I would be worried about her cognitively with such a marked change in personality.

You must be finding it exhausting.

I would tell her you have bigger issues to focus on and you cannot be her emotional support and you will no longer be replying to her.

My mum is sort of similar. She never went to quite that extent but she was unbelievably neglectful when I was little. It all sort of came up after I had my son, lots of comparisons etc. She started crying a few times, I said "look I turned out fine, it's not my place to make you feel better, if you need therapy you should seek some help as I don't have the capacity to deal with this".

I mean, I did not turn out fine but equally I have zero energy to go over things and frankly, there is nothing she can ever do to make things better. Leaving it is best.

Your mum does sound like she's on a massive spiral, you may have to block her or have your DH deal with her soon.

I agree that i would be worried about her cognition. Could you suggest that she sees her GP?

I do feel for you, my M was neglectful but so far has never had that moment of self reflection.

I’m older avd have been dealing with my M for longer. My advice would be to think about what help you’re willing to give.

Talk to your Mum about making the two LPAs and a will. Get her to go to the GP about how she’s feeling and then think about when you’re willing to answer calls and messages.

Does she have any friends or hobbies and how old is she?

I have been worried about the cognitive side of things because it is such a massive change in personality.

It’s all come out that she’s addicted to her prescription medication. She’s weaning herself off it and that could explain why she’s acting so bizarre.

She is constantly texting asking if I’m ok. Half the time I’m asleep or getting the kids ready for school. If I don’t message back quickly, she tries to ring me.

This morning alone, I had 2 messages checking if I was ok. I was asleep because it was 7am. Then I text back saying I would pick her up for coffee. I didn’t respond to her again because I was getting the kids ready. I then had another text asking if I was ok, then a phone call which I didn’t answer because I was busy.

Come home from coffee and she has rang me 6 times and sent 2 messages asking if I’m ok and saying she just wants to talk.

The coffee date was fine. There is nothing to discuss. She knows I sleep in the day as I’m so exhausted. I could literally be asleep right now and she’s frantic sending messages and calling.

I think I’m going to have to be honest. It’s like being harassed. Arg.

@SleafordSodsNo friends or hobbies. She never has done. It’s just her and my Dad

And now she’s just turned up unannounced to check I’m ok. I could cry. I just want to be left alone.

You've clearly been traumatised by your upbringing because a normal response would be to be very firm and harsh when she turns up at your door. That's not ok, at all. She can take her addiction problems elsewhere. You really need to tell her you are blocking her between certain hours and you are not contactable. If she comes to your home, call the police and report her for harassment. Tell your dad you will be doing this, if she's got a husband, she should be relying on him not you.

What have you got to lose? She's an addict. She was an unfit mother. She is zero help. Brings too much stress to your life.

@BoyOhBoyFTMI’m not a very firm person unfortunately.

She is an addict and has been a very average Mum, but shes genuinely not a bad person deep down.

I’m wondering if she’s having some sort of breakdown.

Maybe I should be honest and tell her she is stressing me out with the constant calls etc. I wonder if she doesn’t realise that actually her behaviour is really odd. Perhaps I should tell her and suggest she does go back to the Doctors. I really think she is losing the plot.

Oh op I would be so annoyed about this. You’re pushed into being an emotional support and therapist for her when she’s provided no such stability for you. You’ll feel horrible for saying no and not helping someone who needs it, but why should you take that role on for her.

can you tell her you don’t have capacity for this right now but you’ll help her find someone to talk to?
Agree to txt her once a day maybe but that you won’t just be on call 24/7 to txt her.
do not turn up at the house unannounced. i need rest during the day and I will not be answering the door. There’s a chance she’ll call the police for a welfare check once which would be mortifying but once she’s done it once it’ll probably be over then.

I think you have to prioritise your health, your baby’s health and your MH and energy and capacity for your dc. Your mum is currently taking away from that and that is unacceptable.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s incredibly selfish.

I would worry about her. This is a big change. When my relative changed behaviour all of a sudden it was the first signs of psychosis. They are better now but it was very serious at the time. It could be mental health or something neurological or she could just be examining her own parenting on the eve of you giving birth.

Update on the above - she had been pretty decent since the baby was born (3 weeks ago), but is starting to slip again. She was asking to come up every day after baby was born but I kept saying no. Not just to her, I just couldn’t be arsed with visitors.

The last week she has started up again with the constant ‘you ok?’ Messages in the day and also middle of the night.

she came for coffee the other day. I felt like we had a good time. She basically doesn’t say anything anymore so there were loads of awkward silences, which I filled. We were laughing etc. all fine. That night I receive a message saying she was going to come back up the house after she left because she wanted to talk about me, how I feel and what upsets me. I was thinking wtf is she on about. Then she says I looked really upset. I was literally laughing away..so now what am I supposed to look like around her?! I be normal and she thinks I’m upset so what’s the point. Can’t even be me. More messages today saying she’s been up all night (me too!!), can’t sleep because she has stuff on her mind. It’s not my bloody place to fix this.

I told her her behaviour was really odd a few weeks back and said I couldn’t help etc. She seemed to agree, yet here we are again arg.