How to tell kids about DPs illness?

[Notsure73]

We need advice from people who have been in this situation.
DH has been diagnosed with cancer and while it may only shorten his life slightly, in reality his health will decline over the next few year and he will no longer be able to work.
The course of his disease is unclear and there are no clear answers but it will soon become obvious that he's unwell.
Our kids are young adults, one 19 and two under 25. One has left home, the other two still live here.
Now we have a diagnosis, and know as much as we can, we have to tell them.
Our middle child suspects something is up anyway, and has confronted me, but hasn't talked to his father, as I've suggested.
Those of you who have had to talk to children about Ill health in parents, how did you do it?
Do you wish you had done anything differently?
We can't wait until they are all home, so will have to tell one remotely, but would like to tell them all at the same time as trying to tell one before the others might cause additional problems.
I know the kids are going to be very upset, especially as they have a grandparent who has just died of the same thing.
Maybe we should have told them sooner, please don't judge us for this, but we wanted to have all the facts first. 😔

I'm sorry to hear about your dh"s illness.
Just tell them - it's already a big thing, so don't drag it out and make it even bigger. "Dad's been having lots of tests and we've had all the results so we know x, y and z." Do it sooner rather than later.

As PP said. Don’t over complicate it: tell them he’s been having tests and now you know X. Here’s the headline. Agree just do it ASAP. My parents decided not to tell me when my mother was v ill “because it would worry me.” Well yes. But I had the right to know!

I agree with just telling them. I have cancer and my dc are young (11 & 6 when I was diagnosed). Now thankfully, my cancer looks like it will hopefully be cured and I’ll live a normal ish life, it’s an aggressive cancer and when I was first diagnosed, honestly I didn’t know how much time I had left and if I’d get to see them grow up.

My advice would be to not make it a big dramatic deal. I actually wouldn’t tell them together. I think it’s a one to one conversation. I think telling them together makes it into a big emotional scary moment, when actually it’s just a normal conversation about illness and one that hopefully won’t be too life limiting.

Be honest with them about the prognosis and what to expect. My dad was diagnosed in his early 50s and no one was willing to actually tell me it was terminal. I just thought he’d have treatment and get better eventually. But that wasn’t the prognosis. 3 weeks later, he woke up one day, felt poorly, went to hospital, he was in a coma before they even called me and he died the next morning. If he’d been up front, I would have been able to prepare for what was about to happen.

Let them know what the treatment plan will be and how long it will be or if it will be ongoing. They’ll probably go away and google and come back with more questions. And then just make time for them as much as you can. They may want to come around more. They may need practical things to do that feel helpful. Especially for the one who doesn’t live nearby, they may want to visit.

I was the adult child (I was 27) in all this and I got told as my mum was heading into surgery for a mastectomy! I almost passed out, I really wished they had told me from the beginning. Being told all at once was really very overwhelming. I think parents think they're doing the right thing and treat their adult children as young kids but really the sooner, the better.

Also keep it factual. My parents were trying to be super positive and still glossing over some of the bad news but I knew there was more to it and it just turned into a colossal frustrating thing where I had to keep getting to the bottom of it.

To this day, my dad randomly tells me stuff he forgot they didn't tell me at the time!

Do do it ASAP and keep it factual.