I don't think my DD is the cutest/prettiest/sweetest girl ever...

[oneplusone]

It's hard to know exactly how to explain this. When I look at DS I think he is an absolutely gorgeous/cute/good looking little boy. People also generally think he takes after me and my side of the family. When i look at DD i just think she is very odd looking, big eyes, big ears, big nose, not particularly pretty or cute. She is very different from me in terms of colouring and clearly takes after DH's side of the family and in fact looks very much like DH's dad who I also think is odd looking.

I feel terrible for thinking like this and I know it sounds so completely superficial but I honestly do wonder sometimes if the way DD looks has affected the way I have bonded with her...or not bonded with her would actually be more accurage.

Sometimes I look at her and find it hard to believe she is actually my daughter as she is so different from me in both looks and personality. Whereas DS reminds me of my little sister when she was very young and he just seems to be much more a part of 'me'.

I did have huge problems bonding with DD when she was born, I had PND and I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel the sort of connection with her that i do with DS. But i also wonder whether the lack of connection does have something to do with the fact that she is so completely different from me in every way, features, colouring, personality.

This is something I have had swirling round in my head for a long time and have been too ashamed to voice out loud, and I am hoping there is someone out there who will understand.

Just so I don't come across as a completely terrible mother, my DD does have loads and loads of wonderful qualities that I love and appreciate....but I just can't help looking at her sometimes and being amazed/surprised/incredulous that she is my flesh and blood.

I didn't want to read and run but have to disappear any sec. I don't think you come across as a terrible mother at all, and I think I can understand. PND can have a terrible impact on mother child bonding. I had a dreadful time bonding with my first, though not due to PND. I hope someone comes along soon with good advice.

How old is dd?

Dd looked so much like dh when she was born, apart from the eye colour she had nothing at all from me and I was a bit about that because I did all the work (pregnancy,birth etc). Anyway the point of this ramble is she changed appearance to look more like me. When I look at her nowadays I still see A LOT of dh in her but everyone else says she is the spitting image of me.

Maybe her appearance will change a little when she grows and she'll look more like you.

I read somewhere that babies often resemble their father a great deal and this is part of nature's way of making the father accept the dc as his IYSWIM.

I find it difficult feeling the "besotted" loving feelings for any of my children at times. I have suffered with depression since I was 18. But although its awful thing to have to do I sometimes have to imagine them not being here and the feeling I feel (sheer terror, panic and feeling pysically sick) when I have these feelings they reasures me that I do love my girls. I also used to have to do this to reasure myself about my feelings for my lovely mum when I was little.

I don't know if any of that helps but I think understand how you feel.

Both my DDs look like my DH. I think imo its more likely to do with your PND, rather than how she looks. I wouldnt beat yourselve up about it. How old is she??

I wonder if this is a 'mothers and daughters' thing.

Most of my friends who have both sons and daughters are far more loving and demonstrative to the boys than the girls.

They are more critical of the girls, and expect more. I have felt like this at times also.

I'm sure LOTS of people will come on after me and say 'Rubbish!!, I love my kids just the same'. But this is something I have definitely found amongst my own friends.

i think its more to do with pnd than looks.

i look nothing like my mom. i am a lot taller, my mom is petite and i am not. in fact i am nothing like my moms side of the family at all. i am the tallest grandchild and at 5ft 8in that is some accomplishment. i am even taller than the men.

as it is i look like my dad and take after his family.

dd is the image of me and ds is the image of dh. they are like mini mes.

this has never effected bonding in anyway between any of us.

and as for different relationships between dd and ds i find that i have more expectations about ds.

i find myself daydreaming about his career as a snooker player or football player whereas i have no idea about dd, i just want her to be happy.

i must admit i compare ds a lot to dd and often in the favour of dd. i.e dd never did this etc etc

I sometimes feel a little annoyed that dd looks so much like dp but this doesn't really affect how I feel about her at all.

I agree that it's probably more to do with PND than anything else. My DS1 looks like me and is like me in temperament etc - I understand what makes him tick. Sometimes this makes us closer, but in some ways I am harder on him.

DS2 looks like DH and is like DH in temperament, and is in many ways a complete mystery to me. I used to have a hard time with it but after a while I started to see being his mother as a huge adventure and something that has added to my closeness to DH. I hope this happens for you too.

(my DD, on the other hand, is a hardcore Terrible Two, looks exactly like me and drives me utterly bananas )

Thanks for all your replies, reading them all is very interesting. As many of you have said it could be the PND that has affected the bonding rather than the way DD looks.

DD will be 5 in August and I do take the point that her looks are likely to change a lot. But I don't think she will ever look anything like me simply because our colouring is so different and her features are far more angular (like DH) whereas myself and DS seem to have much more rounded faces.

When I was pregnant with her I secretly wanted a boy and actually felt upset that she was a girl (awful I know but true and i started a thread about that a while ago) but having got over the fact that she was a girl I'm not sure I've got over the fact she looks nothing like how I imagined my daughter would look.

sleepycat, something you said struck a chord. Sometimes I don't actually like my DH very much, and I don't like his mother at all and DD looks like a combination of DH and his parents, maybe that has something to do with it as well. DD somehow seems as if she belongs to DH's family than to mine.

Just being able to voice my thoughts and 'discuss' them with you and feel as if some of you understand me is theraputic. Keeping my feelings bottled up was awful. What on earth did women do before MN?

oneplusone, my ds4 is newbornand gorgeous but he is the image of my mother and I do find it a bit disconcerting sometimes, as if someone has put my Mum's head on a baby's body!

I think it is possible to analyse the way your children look and feel really crap because you don't truly believe they are the cutest or prettiest child objectively ... so what? That's your ability to step outside your 'mummy goggles' and look at them as you would a stranger .. it's an odd exercise but I'm sure lots of people do it from time to time

The same I suppose goes for any attribute your children possess .. where do you think the phenomenum of competitive parenting arises?

The question I suppose you have to ask yourself is do you love her? as you've already answered this as yes then I'd forget about it personally.

oneplusone, just something you said about hoping for a boy when you were pg...I felt that, when pg with dd1, and for me it had a lot to do with my relationship with my own mother. I was pretty scared of having a daughter, and fondly (and foolishly!)imagined I could bond with/love/bring up a boy more easily.

I now have two dds, who look like dh, btw, and bonding is fine - I'm so so glad to have them - possibly because I've done a fair bit of talking about the Mum stuff.

Good for you for talking about all this - whether its to do with your relationship with your dh, yourself, or your mother, its almost certainlyh not to do with your dd

I don't think your dd's looks are the key issue here (ds is the spitting image of his dad, has NO physical resemblance to me at all) but the PND obviously affected your relationship and the difference in appearance is probably a reminder of how far apart you are, perhaps?

due to time I have only read OP sorry.
just can I quickly contribute...
my dd has a disorder (genetic) which cause the following...
droopy eyelids, low set ears, low hairline, short height, sunken chest, pot belly, terrible eyesight- visible squint strong glasses, mad unruly hair, wonky balance, physical frailty....
yet when she walks out of her bedroom in the morning she is the most gorgeous child and amongst other kids I see her differences but can only smile and love her for them.
because of her genetic shenanigans she looks littlebit like me little bit like do. My love for her is as much ad if not sometimes more iykwim than for her two stunning NT older and baby brothers. Both of whom would grace covers such are their traditional good looks...

Personally but non judgementally, I'd look at reasons for your feelings, be it pnd etc...

Oneplusone,
Can I ask if you had any treatment for PND? My doctor said to me (when I had PND after the birth of DS) that it is essential to treat PND well as otherwise it can cause problems much later.

I do feel slightly different towards my DD as to my DS. DD is not as cuddly as DS so perhaps it is because of that. I do not love DS more but I would say that I am closer to him. He is much more affectionate than DD and I really have to check myself as I tend to be more lenient with him. I sometimes have to conciously force myself to treat them both the same (taking into account that she is 2 years older). DD is closer to DH, she is a real papasgirl.

Well done for coming on here and talking it through, it is clear that it has been bothering you. You don't come across as a terrible mother, if you were a terrible mother you would not be worried about this.

Have you thought about councelling?

Your little girl needs the love and acceptance of her mother, as you no doubt realise or you wouldn't have posted. I suggest more cuddles, to bring out those natural feelings which are probably just under the surface.

I have to admire your courage for admitting this even to yourself, never mind all of us on MN.

My DD is mixture of me & DH but has my colouring so more noticeably like me. That said she does sometimes pull faces or come out with things picked up from MIL who I can't stand and feel myself cringeing and feeling quite queasy so can def see where you're coming from on that one!

Thank you once again for all your responses, there is something of note in all of them. I think my relationship with my DD is a very complex one. Like Elibean, since having DD I have come to realise that the reason i was dreading having a girl was due to the terrible relationship (or non-relationship actually) I have always had with my own mother and 2 younger sisters. I am dealing (with the help of a counsellor) with my own childhood issues with regard to my mother and my relationship with my DD has improved greatly.

I didn't have treatment for the PND I suffered from after i had DD, it went unrecognised unfortunately and I'm sure that has affected our relationship a lot. I'm not sure now whether there is anything I can do about it? I didn't have PND after having DS (2 years ago) and don't feel I am depressed at the moment.

My feelings also seem to change a lot from day to day. Yesterday I managed to get some time to myself and recharge my batteries and today I find DD so much easier to be around. I'm enjoying her company and the way she looks just doesn't come into it.