6 year old DD - friendship difficulties

[OldMaaa]

Hi,

My 6 year old DD seems to be struggling with friendships at school. A girl she was very close to has developed a close friendship with another girl, and now the two of them (based on my DDs retelling) are excluding her from games/conversations and running away from/whispering about my DD.

I've emailed the school today (first time ever having to do so about any such issues) to ask if they could keep an eye on things and see if there's anything untoward going on. I'm not sure what response to expect, but my DD has been very distressed about the situation so I felt I needed to do something/make them aware there might be an issue that needs addressing.

I've had conversations with my DD about what's going on and to me some of the behaviour does seem unkind, but I've only got her side of the story and appreciate there might be more going on. I've suggested she plays with other friends and also reminded her to speak to the teachers at break/lunch if something happens and she's upset. We've talked about how good friends treat each other, etc. but I'm not sure if there's anything else I should/could be doing?

I'm also trying to arrange more play dates with my daughter, to try and help her build stronger connections with a wider network of children in her year group.

My other DC is a bit older, and a boy - his friendships have been remarkably straightforward. I wasn't really prepared for the difficult dynamics of girl friendships and it starting so early. So I feel a bit lost.

Today for example - the girl my DD has previously been very close with (they had a joint party last year) kept telling my DD she wouldn't come to a playdate at our house, holding it over DD like a threat (or so it sounded), which to me just sounds really mean. But perhaps normal behaviour? I don't think my DD is an angel but I can't imagine her being cruel like this and she was so sad and subdued when she came out of school today. It breaks my heart. She's not been herself at all and her confidence seems really shaken.

Any advice, even if I just need to get a grip, welcome.

This does sound very much like power dynamics that girls can do to each other. It’s not very nice to see or to have a DC on the receiving end. It can definitely hurt to be excluded by someone you thought was a good friend, at any age!

Something that would be useful is to work on your DD’s resilience so she can learn to deal with upsetting things. There’s lots of info on the internet on how to do that.

Building up a wider friendship circle rather than just one best friend is also beneficial. Relying on just a bestie to fulfil all your friendship needs can feel stifling and overwhelming for the bestie at that age. Also keep in mind that it’s normal for girls to fall in and out with each other as they explore different friendships at different stages of their childhood. It doesn’t make it any easier emotionally though, I really do empathise.

I work in ks1 and, unfortunately, this doesn't sound unusual! I think you've done the right thing emailing the teacher, as often these things happen on the playground and the classroom staff don't always get to know about it.
When we have a dynamic like this going on, or we can just see a child is a bit too reliant on a particular friend or something, we make an effort to pair children up with "someone you don't usually play with" for tasks, or to be buddies with on the playground (all of them, not just the two we are trying to separate to give them a break from each other!). It does seem to help widen all the friendship circles, most of our class play with most of our class now :)

You're in for years of this I'm afraid.
Discourage too much reliance on a bestie. Encourage a wide swathe of friends and interests.
Role play with her how to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Try not to take it all too personally. Children are learning how to do social interactions and often are a bit brutal in the process.

Thank you. I have been encouraging DD to not put all her eggs in one basket friendship-wise for some time. In Year 1 we had a spate of upset with this same girl as she would tell my DD they wouldn't be friends anymore if my DD didn't give her X,Y or Z. DD kept trying to take her own toys into school to give to her. I didn't speak to the school at that point as it did fizzle out relatively quickly. But we talked a lot about friendships and how it's nice to play with different people. She does have other friends in the class, boys and girls, but she's incredibly fond of this particular girl.

Thanks for the advice we will continue to try and forge a wider range of friendships and look at ways to encourage her to build resilience as I do think she's probably a bit lacking in that area.

You’re doing the right things