Help - how can I get my DD to keep her room tidy?

[Cremant]

Exactly as the title says... how can I get my 8yo DD to keep her room tidy?
It's becoming such a regular battle and we are both over it.
I have tidied for her, created organisation systems etc. and she's expected to keep basics such as clothes in the laundry bin, books back on the shelves, soft toys in the basket, craft stuff all back in her desk drawers, shoes on the rack. I don't think any of that is unreasonable. Just been in her room and the aforementioned are all over the place. I've told her if she doesn't tidy it then she's not going to a birthday party this weekend. Right now she's contrite and has said she will tidy it but I know she won't. I need to hold firm here, fine. But any other ideas? Witholding pocket money or taking away her Nintendo Switch etc. doesn't work. I am demented. Me and DH both work full time and I cannot spend every evening tidying up after her.

Maybe I am a big softie but I think 8 is too young for it to be possible just to say "tidy up" and expect it to happen

With my 9 year old, I am a lot more hands on. After his shower, I say "can you put your clothes in the basket please?", craft stuff is all downstairs so after anything he has done, I will ask him to tidy it up afterwards, similarly, every now and then I get him to put away the books everywhere

Maybe help her, and you can both do it together. I know she should do it, but it might help her tidy up.

No, I don't think you're too soft. I set it all up for her to keep tidy - school uniform/ clothes off and in the basket, nope, on the floor. Book off the shelf, put back when finished, nope, on the floor. etc etc. It's the trail of detritus behind her and it's driving me mental.
Will go back to the basics of following up every night, plus a clear out (when she's not looking, of things that she's outgrown toy wise etc) and setting aside as set time like others have suggested.
Thanks

You tidy it together. She obviously doesn’t have the executive functioning to do it by herself. Lots of 8yo kids w/o SEN are unable to keep their room tidy on the basis of threats alone.

I think what @weisatted is saying is you need to support her with tidying up everyday.

So I have found that often it feels like I'm just doing it again and again but the more I repeat myself, the more often occasionally I have a breakthrough

My 6 year old has been getting himself ready for school every morning but every day he would forget socks and I would send him back up for them but last week, he suddenly just got it! This morning he climbed into bed for a cuddle clutching his socks!

So unfortunately although it's really boring, I reckon doing the daily routine reminders until it sinks in

I think you need to go upstairs with her, set a good example by finding your own tidying to do (putting laundry away maybe), put on some fun music and pop your head in every few minutes to direct. Shoes on rack. Now dolls in doll box. Craft stuff in the craft drawer now. Etc.Etc. Until it’s all done. Do this a few times and you’ll have hopefully trained her enough that you can take a step back.

And also it’s her room so I’d respect her right to keep it how she likes with the caveat that I expect the cleaner to be able to vacuum weekly so it’s hygienic. So tidying night is the day before the cleaners day. If she wants to keeps it in a state in between then meh that’s her choice. Shut the door if it bothers you.

@weisatted I feel like I have been reminding and supporting (and ending up just doing) forever lol but will go back and try again.
Smiling at your little one climbing in for a cuddle whilst clutching at the socks.

Why do you want her room to be tidy?

Neither of mine would have tidied up a messy room unsupervised at that age. I did it with them, or at least directed them - the only way it was happening was if I stayed in the room until it was done. Putting something away maybe, but not a full bedroom tidy. They are now teens so I can't see the floor most of the time. Life is too short for me to care. I do have a rule that they have to tidy up enough to hoover once a week.

Like another poster, my daughter knew that if she wanted a friend round, her room had to be tidy. I stopped going in her room and it was up to her. She wasn't guilty of having dirty dishes lying about, just piles and piles of stuff, all mixed up.
She hasn't changed despite being married with two children 😂

As others have said - is a tidy room even a battle worth having? How much mess would you tolerate?

DD is a teen now, but at that age we did find that getting rid of a lot of younger age toys to the charity shop really helped. Otherwise she would get all her old stuff out, but she was not really interested in playing with it anymore, and would just get bored and leave it, and get more out, and repeat...🙄

Our rules have always been - no food in her room, drinks ok but cups bought down, dirty washing in the wash, and floor cleared when I want to hoover.

If she hears me hoovering, and her floor is still not clear when I go to hoover upstairs, I just leave her the hoover and she has to do all the upstairs rooms and landing. This has been a great tactic as she hates hoovering (to be fair, the hoover is an absolute cunt). If she is out, I just chuck everything else onto her bed and carry on. She can sort it out at bedtime, or chuck it back on the floor. I may also, to her absolute horror, open the window to let fresh air in 😱

Generally, our attitude is that's it's her room, she can live in a pit of dispair if she wants to, as long as it doesn't encroach on the rest of the household (e.g. smell, leave us without enough mugs/teaspoons, or cause us any significant extra cleaning effort).

Yes, we do still sometimes have these rules broken. I find the odd choc wrapper, or yesterday's coffee cup, or some socks on the floor, and she is arty so there is always a massive pile of pens, paper, drawings and crafting stuff all over her desk that occasionally overflows. It rarely gets to the point where it is a problem.

I don't expect spotless, I do expect it not to be minging.

With our children, we found "tidy your room" just didn't work. The children got overwhelmed and we got frustrated. So we changed tactic.
Firstly, we completely went through everything with a fine toothcomb. Binned broken things and waste. Donated no longer needed items both clothes, books and toys. Then we reorganised the things to keep. Everything had a place.
Then together we divided the room into zones. For example, bed and bedside table is a zone. Carpet is a zone. Clothes storage is a zone. Bookcase is a zone. Toybox is a zone.
Each day, our children picked a zone. They tidied things in that area and polished the units. The rule was they couldn't pick a zone they had already done that week and all zones had to have been done at least once by the weekend.
The children have got tidier and can now whizz around their room in one go. By breaking down the task into smaller jobs, the children can manage. They know they won't be told off for the other zones and by the weekend, the whole room is done.