Help - how can I get my DD to keep her room tidy?

[Cremant]

Exactly as the title says... how can I get my 8yo DD to keep her room tidy?
It's becoming such a regular battle and we are both over it.
I have tidied for her, created organisation systems etc. and she's expected to keep basics such as clothes in the laundry bin, books back on the shelves, soft toys in the basket, craft stuff all back in her desk drawers, shoes on the rack. I don't think any of that is unreasonable. Just been in her room and the aforementioned are all over the place. I've told her if she doesn't tidy it then she's not going to a birthday party this weekend. Right now she's contrite and has said she will tidy it but I know she won't. I need to hold firm here, fine. But any other ideas? Witholding pocket money or taking away her Nintendo Switch etc. doesn't work. I am demented. Me and DH both work full time and I cannot spend every evening tidying up after her.

Tell her that if it isn't tidy by bedtime, anything not in its rightful place will be going in the bin. When it's bedtime, go in with a bin bag or two.

I am a few hours in front of the UK so she's in bed, hence why not tidying it now. I am reluctant to go down the bin bag route as I would be getting rid of so much stuff but that may be the way to do it (and I would give them away not actually bin them)

Firstly does her room actually need to be tidy? Is it because you like being tidy but she’s naturally more messy?

secondly you have set a consequence, you need to remind her but ultimately deliver on that consequence if she doesn’t tidy her room

You don't actually bin them, you remove them from her room.
She'll want them back.

It gets easier as they eventually have less stuff to make a mess with and they also start to care more about it.

I’m not a good example as I worked part time and used to tidy DDs room once a week. eventually she took that on herself.

One of her friends only got her pocket money if she tidied it. So she would scream and fight all Saturday morning and would eventually relent and do it for the money. Her mum said by 3pm it was totally trashed again. Seemed like such a waste of time to me.

Does she have too much “stuff”? It’s easier to keep a room clean if there’s less stuff to make a meals with.

If there's no food rotting away in there I think I'd pick my battles, unless it's really inconveniencing you.

I'd try having a set time to tidy each day / week. e.g. Saturday morning, or every day before bed.

That said she may not 'see ' mess and/or may nit know where to begin.

You may need to continue to direct/help.

We have a set day for the DC to tidy (ahead of our cleaner coming round)
The rest of the time the rule is I have to be able to walk on the floor without picking through loads of stuff.
When DS2 was reluctant as he thought someone else should be picking up after him I did get a binbag and threaten to put his stuff in jail in the loft.
I also showed him how quick it can be so he's now on board with a swift tidy

Why does it matter? Honestly it's not a battle that's worth having, if/ when it starts to inconvenience her she will begin to keep it tidy but at only 8 she will probably still need help from you.
I never bothered if my children's rooms were untidy it was their space, but the consequence of them not putting things away was that they sometimes couldn't find things they wanted. They are both very tidy adults now!

At school, a yr 3 teacher used to play a particular piece of music (i can't remember what it was but it was very lively), play it loudly, and the class would run around for that 2 mins and 50 seconds and tidy as much as they could. As long as everyone was tidying something, the idea was that whatever wasn't done after the music finished was allowed to stay. But the kids rose to the challenge and rushed around to get everything done before the music finished. Could you try something similar with your DD? I feel your pain because my DD is messy (by my standards) too

Close the door and forget about it.

Thanks all. I promise I am not a neat freak - far from it, but literally everything is dropped at her arse. It's ridiculous.
@Snorlaxo she definitely has too much stuff, but trying to part with anything is torture. I may need to clear off bits and pieces when she's not around.
@Notagain75 - good to hear that your children are now tidy adults, maybe all is not lost!
@TeenToTwenties - good suggestion of having a set tidy up time. Will try that.

My dd needed transparent storage. That solved a lot of it. She would get out ALL her dolls because she couldn't see the one she wanted for example. We also label drawers. She KNOWS that the second drawer is for socks but didn't seem to be able to process it until it says 'socks' on it.

No, I have tried that before - she now knows I didn't bin them. I would need to carry it out. 🙃

Have the transparent storage and labelled drawers. I struggled keeping my room tidy as a kid and I realised as an adult that I need a 'system' to keep myself on track, so put this in place for her but tbh she's just so blimmin' lazy.

Tidying is a skill that needs to be learnt, and being able to see the wood for the trees can be hard. Can you sit with her and direct her, ie 'ok so start with your clothes in that corner, pick each piece up and work put if it is going into the laundry basket or can it be worn again?' etc

I have done this, but accept that I should re-visit it (with more patience). Thanks

It’s her room. Let her have it the way she wants it. Shut the door if it bothers you. This should only apply to her room, not to communal spaces!

Her room her choices

Finding a worthy recipient for outgrown toys is a great start. My kids were much more on board with giving stuff away if they knew where it was going whether it was a friends smaller child, the local children's hospice [partic for unused craft and birthday stuff] or whatever.
Alternatively, sorting and boxing them up for the loft [or a corner of the spare room on the way to the loft] is an interim stage to giving things away. Especially for soft toys.

My kids are a bit older so it's gotten easier but you do actually have to teach them what you mean by tidy and get stuck in. Boxing up summer clothes so they can't be pulled out in a frantic search for something else is helpful. Structured storage and a regular "help" when it gets out of hand is good at this age.

There's also a tip I've seen on here which is 10 things or similar. If you have 5 mins, put away 10 things daily. I make them do that downstairs or otherwise they just scatter their stuff all over the house.

Now that they are older, a stern talking to about not treating the cleaner like a maid does work. They understand the value of money and while I pay my cleaner well, they do now understand just how much work she achieves in her few hours here and that I view them leaving their rooms untidy as a) a good reason to close the door and make them do it themselves and b) a thoughtless, unkind and borderline exploitative way to treat someone who needs the money doing a job that they don't want to do.

Thanks, @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams
Our cleaner is coming tomorrow and I have already messaged her to request that she change the bed linen as usual but not tidy up. I like the idea of 5 mins and all put 10 things away. Will get my DH onto this too so she sees us both doing it and make it a routine.

I had 2 untidy daughters. I just closed their bedroom doors.

They knew they could only have friends round or to sleepover if their rooms were tidy, so that incentived things a bit. We had a no food rule. One plastic glass for water. They had to put laundry in the basket or it did not get done. A particularly memorable meltdown was had when her dress for the year4 disco was crumpled in the corner where she left it after the last party... but that stopped it happening again... all worked itself out by school y7.

Still a bit untidy at home from time to time, she's 24 and a very tidy teacher at work.

Containers or drawers labelled with pictures
Body doubling
Telling her what to do one task at a time eg put all your dolls away
Allow her to listen to a podcast while doing it

Surely there’s something your daughter likes doing.

Watching TV
Getting a treat at the shop
Having a treat in the evening.

surely the answer when she says “Mum can I have/do XYZ” your reply is “let’s go and see if your room is tidy first,”

If it’s not, she has to tidy it before turning on tv, having pudding etc.