Strong relationships

[CJones11]

I have four wonderful children, and I'm constantly thinking about how my parenting now will impact them in the future. I'd say I'm quite a firm mother and relatively pushy as I want them to grow into skilful and interesting people. I'm starting to think more and more about the type of relationship I'd like with my children when they are adults. I don't have a relationship with my parents at all anymore, and I find myself feeling guilty over it, thinking it's my children missing out. But I know some things are out of my control and instead want to focus on the future.

Anyway, those parents who have excellent relationships with their adult children, is there anything you did to foster this? Also, adult children who are close to their parents could tell me more about your upbringing and what you appreciated?

Honestly, I think that one of the best things you can do to foster your children having strong relationships in adulthood in general is to model good friendships and relationships yourself. Let them see you operate in different kinds of healthy relationship, whether that's marital/romantic, friendships, familial ones etc, modelling enjoyment in one another's company, resolving differences, being flexible, tolerant, boundaried etc etc.

How old are your children? You're also going to have to take a step back at some point if you're a 'firm'/'pushy' parent who thinks that it requires your pushiness to make them turn into 'skilful and interesting people', though I'm not entirely sure I understand what you mean. I mean, their own vision of who they are is going to come to the fore as they grow up.

My son is 7, then I have an almost 3 year old daughter and almost 1 year old twin girls!

I think I've realised my parents did anything for them to have an easy life. So when I wanted to quit piano so I didn't have to give up socialising at break time in school, they signed the papers instantly. I'm now an adult without any skills or hobbies because those things were not encouraged as a child. My son wanted to join karate and then, once day, he wanted to quit, but I've told him he's committed to it and shouldn't give up on commitments. If anything, it would be easier not to take him anymore but I don't want him growing up with the attitude that when some things get hard or a little boring you just pack it in.

I feel like recently I've realised the small decisions we make as parents can be huge in the long run and I really want to get it right. I don't want resentment in the future but gratitude that we did everything possible to give them the best start in life!

We are lucky to have a wonderful network of friends from different walks in life. My husband and I also have a wonderful relationship!

Honestly, I think it's a bit of a stretch for you to blame your parents for being an 'adult without any skills or hobbies' because they let you give up piano lessons when you wanted to.

For a start, you can pick up a hobby or skill at any age, and you certainly don't have to be good at it to enjoy it or participate in it.

For another, a child wanting to socialise with her friends at school break sounds like a perfectly reasonable reason to want to stop.

I didn't have any childhood skills/hobbies because we were dirt poor and it never occurred to my parents that music lessons or sports were a thing you did, even if the money had been there, but I've picked up choral singing, drystone walling, several languages, pottery, climbing, tai chi, print-making and other things in adulthood.

I also think that it's equally valid for a child to be allowed to drop an activity they don't enjoy, to listen to their own instincts, and to realise that once begun, something doesn't have to be continued without enjoyment. Especially if you've arrived at this decision because of your own past.

I feel like recently I've realised the small decisions we make as parents can be huge in the long run and I really want to get it right. I don't want resentment in the future but gratitude that we did everything possible to give them the best start in life!

I agree about the small decisions, but there's no such thing as a blanket 'getting it right'. Your children are still very young and 'the best start in life' does not mean enforced activities to make them 'skilful and interesting adults'.

It's far from a stretch. The only opportunities I had as a child and teen came from school. My piano lessons were free from the school because I had self-taught myself some songs and enjoyed music lessons at the time. But it wasn't the cool thing to do so the first moment I couldn't be bothered I was allowed to just quit. There was no encouragement, drive or push from my parents. They never once paid for me to join an activity.
It is undeniably harder to learn new skills or develop new hobbies as an adult. Between working, raising your own family and finding suitable classes it gets pushed to the back of list of things to do. I did join a beginners Spanish night class at uni, and join a female rugby team. . Going to university and living with 28 other people who could play instruments, had established themselves in sport, spoke multiple languages and feeling totally like an outsider really made me think about how my parents never once prioritised me or my siblings and how I want different for my children.
I have 3 things I'd like to encourage outside of being a kind, empathetic and well regulated person. I want them to be bilingual and they attend a Welsh medium school. I want them to play an instrument and I want them to do a sport.

My son has been allowed to try things out and then decide against them. He tried rugby for a few months and didn't like it so stopped. But I won't let him quit something he is good at so easily. He would have to dislike the sport and not dislike the effort needed to go.

I would love for my children to have lots opportunities that will develop skills and interests so they can talk about themselves positively and build on their strengths. They can meet with wider groups of people and they have the confidence to try new things in adulthood.

This is not a 'woe me' post. It's me expressing my experience and looking for views from others on how to foster great relationships with your kids in adulthood. How to make sure they reflect on their upbringing and feel like they were wanted, loved, and treated as a priority. How to build trust and friendship with them.

i don’t think it’s as simple as looking at where you feel your parents failed and doing the opposite. Some/all of your children may resent you in future for being ‘too pushy’.

I don’t know what the magic formula is. I’m really close to my parents and so is my brother. They never insisted I learnt an instrument, and in fact I’m sad they never encouraged me to do ballet as it turns out I’m actually quite a natural but missed out on the skills. But I don’t blame them, they did the best they could and they loved me. and to be honest, that would all be in the past now anyway as I have no time for activities etc.

I think being a good parent is probably down to a bit of luck - will your adult children like you and accept that you did your best? Hopefully…

I’m in my early 30’s and have a great relationship with both my parents - particularly my dad.

My parents weren’t overly strict growing up, and they gave us a lot of freedom whilst still maintaining clear boundaries. We knew how far we could push those boundaries but very rarely completely overstepped them - I wasn’t scared of my parents, not by a long shot, but I knew there would be consequences. One time my dad took my football boots away after I’d gone off and done something really stupid with my friends, and he told me “If I can’t trust you to be responsible for yourself, then your team can’t trust you to do your job for them either” - football was my whole life at that point, and having that taken away really hammered it home that I’d fucked up.
My parents were big on instilling a sense of responsibility in both myself and my sister and I’m so grateful for that as an adult.
I know absolutely without question that if I found myself in a serious jam tomorrow, I could ring my dad and he’d do everything in his power to help me fix it - and the only reason he’d do that is because he knows I’d have done everything I possibly could to try and fix it for myself first.
Now as an adult, I have a true friendship with my dad. One of my favourite things to do is sit in the pub on a Saturday afternoon and just shoot the shit with him.
My mum is always up for a shopping trip, or an afternoon in a cafe for a coffee and some cake. They are my parents, and will always have that role in my life, but I also love that I have an adult friendship with them as well.

@WhatIsTheCharge this is beautiful and spot on. Clear boundaries with consequences that are meaningful is so important. I love the way you talk about your relationship with them now. That's the goal ❤️

I wouldn't say I'm too pushy. If something isn't right for them, we change it. My 2 year old has epilepsy and the way we parent her has had to be so different to our son to avoid her triggers. but I will always push them in certain aspects of their lives because I care and will always be in their corner rooting for them to be their best selves 🤷‍♀️
Sadly mine didn't do the best they could. They were very much of the mindset 'ill keep you alive until your 18 then you're on your own'. I'm very fortunate to have such a close bond with my siblings though which is also important.
Maybe it is just luck...