Daughter says she got smacked

[Namechangedanxiousdaisy]

I'm a bit shaken so please be kind

My 4 year old, at bedtime ( when she usually chats) said my husband smacked her in the bum yesterday evening. She said he did it in the living room when the door was closed so I couldn't see it. I feel asleep afterwards as it was late and the room was dark.

They were indeed both in the living room yesterday, reading books together. I saw them doing that, I didn't hear any upset or crying. She did at one point came into the kitchen asking me to tell him off but that was because I think my husband was winning at a game and she said he snatched the remote of a toy off her.

I'm not sure what to think or what to say. I haven't spoken to my DH - he has always been an involved dad, woke up this morning to him already cooked today's dinner and prepped snacks for school. Always doing bedtime, playing with her etc.

What should I do?

I playfully used to smack mine on the bottom (used to say right I’m going to smack your bum!) and they’d run and laugh and I’d grab them and tip them upside down and smack their bum (not hard, in a playful way, both laughing). Could this have been the case? He certainly doesn’t sound the type to do that and if they were just reading together why would he smack her? Best bet is to ask him his version of events.

Seems very odd thing for her to make up. And also must have been enough for her to remmeber it at bedtime.
Maybe you are not both on the same page when it comes to this sort of thing.

It is worrying how suspicious you are about your husband. If one of my kids had said daddy smacked me on the bottom I would have complete confidence that it was done playfully.

I would imagine (since you've heard no upset) that this is nothing. But do have the chat obviously. My 4 year old relative is very active in her imagination and will narrate lots of things inaccurately or completely made up. Recently we have had 'my daddy kicked me in the head' (was a glancing blow from an inflatable ball) 'I haven't had any breakfast' (she'd had a full bowl of porridge before coming over) and the information that they'd eaten roasted fox for dinner the night before (I'm doubting this, and assume she's been reading the gruffalo!).

its such a difficult age to establish the truth, I think the MN phrase is “unreliable narrator”. Please update the thread when you’ve talked to DH. Hopefully this is resolved quickly.
One of mine was a massive liar and he grew out of it so it’s funny now, but during the days he’d come out with his crazy shit it wasn’t easy to get the truth.

at least it isn’t scrambled snake 🤮😂

So you are concerned enough to start a thread on Mumsnet but not concerned enough to immediately get up from your child’s bed and ask your DH or mention it the following morning?

You are being weird about this.

The falling asleep immediately and not asking your husband straight away about it is all a bit odd. Get you might have been tired but if that concerned surely racing around in head stopping you sleeping?

What’s the difference?

I suspect she’s lying to you given the extra information about him winning the game that they were playing and him supposedly snatching a toy and her wanting you to chastise him.

Children that age are very good at making stuff up to get your attention and they can sound very plausible but they have little understanding of the consequences of their tales.

Honestly, you wouldn’t believe some of the whoppers I’ve heard, all said with a very earnest expresssion! 😂

You need to tread very carefully.

OP I'm not quite sure why you're so shaken? You say you don't think he was disciplining her, you didn't hear her cry. What are you worried about?
They're very selective with the truth at this age. Mine is great at telling only the bits of the story that might get a reaction or get someone else in trouble.

You seem to have some suspicions about your husband already?

If my 4 year old had said this about their dad I would have known it wasn't in anger or discipline because he's not that sort of man - and I would have immediately told him what was said.

But your reaction suggests you are very worried about this?

When one of mine was about 2 I accidentally touched his head on the ceiling of the car getting him out of his seat. He started sniffling and quietly crying, I'm going: shush you're alright , it's ok, kissing him etc and got him into the trolley seat for the supermarket. He proceeded to yell at the top of his voice the entire shop ( which was very quick obvs) , "Don't hit me again mummy". Mortifying.

@noidea69 and @Notchangingnameagain - I am not sure why I am being questioned again about falling asleep esp as I can't do anything about it now. It was not immediately, if you read my responses above it, bedtime takes 1-1.5 hours.me leaving the room when lights are off but she hasn't slept would mean that she would get excited again and hence it would drag bedtime even longer. I didn't plan to fall asleep but I did! I tried to keep awake but I was in a dark room, tired abd it was already more than an hour. By the time I got up this morning he already left for work. Why do I have to keep explaining myself on this when this isn't the crux of the question?

@Digdongdoo I get very sensitive when it comes to any physical action. So I was very taken aback when I hear her say that especially with the level of detail about my husband.

@VikaOlson she told me when lights are off and I don't know what time it was but it must have been maybe 9, 9.15 as my alarm rang to wake me up but I had to turn it off as she wasn't sleeping yet and the sound/ lights were disturbing her. I didn't tell my husband immediately as if I had left the room, it would cause her to rouse again.

I’d say to her “you know what you said about daddy yesterday? Can you show me what happened”?

She may well be telling the truth but in her own, 4 year old way. My DD told the dr that I'd pushed her over. She was telling the truth from her perspective. She was walking, a force from behind knocked her over, the only person behind her was me. Except it was a massive gust of wind that almost knocked me over too.

I don't know that I'd consider that to be a great level of detail. If anything it was vague. And you've said you don't think he was disciplining or punishing her. So im still not sure what you're so anxious about. Is there a back story?

@Digdongdoo no back story in relation to my husband, but it's more me, I just get more sensitive about it.

@Namechangerage I should have asked her that this morning - my mistake there. i had let her sleep a a bit, we were rushing and she was so happily eating the breakfast my husband made! I will try ask again later at pick up and see what I get to but it might be too late now.

Joining in the "ask him" chorus. Hopefully you know him well enough to be able to tell if hes nervous.

My DS around that age told nursery I threw a box at his head. What actually happened was a nearly empty rice box fell off the top cupboard shelf and caught me in the eye and then landed on his shoulder 🙄 luckily my black eye backed it up as their stance initially was (rightly i suppose) they always believe the child.

Just talk to him. You really can't get this anxious about vague tales from 4 year olds. If mine was to be believed, he'd be malnourished, living in the shed and bald from having his hair pulled out (because obviously I never feed him, he has to put his bike away, and I brush his hair).

So I spoke to her at pick up today. She couldn't remember so I said you said something about Daddy smacking your bum? And then she said no, Daddy didn't smack my bum, let me tell you the story.. proceeded by telling me they were playing a game with the remote ( for a toy) and then Daddy, took the remote off her. I asked her again - so did Daddy Smack your bum, she said no no he didn't.

So sounds like she got excited when telling me the story?! I will still ask my husband tonight...

I can’t imagine having the patience to continue with bedtime after a statement like that, let alone managing to fall asleep.

Yes, I would definitely talk to him. Next steps would depend on his response. My mind would be racing right now and I wouldn’t be able to focus. My first thought would be are there any countries that don’t extradite over child custody disputes.

So sounds like she got excited when telling me the story?!

It sounds like as a previous poster said she didn't get the initial response she was looking for so she embellished the story. I would definitely be having a word with her about lying especially about something as serious as someone smacking her.

Your first thought would be about extradition over child custody disputes?!

Yes i fell asleep, not sure if you read the full thread where I explained the whole thing. i tried to keep awake until she slept but i didn't, I can't change the past now. Maybe it's not your intention but it sounds like i am being guilted on the thread here for falling asleep by a few posters. If my husband had 'history' then it would be a different situation.

You’d be surprised. When our daughter was 4, one of her peers told us her dad had thrown her out of the window! Of course, he hadn’t.