DS surrounded by rumours of sex assault

[Jazzy5]

In bits about this.
DS (a very quiet gentle 17yo) came to me last night as he is extremely anxious about a situation in school.
He was going out with a girls for 6 months and she broke up with him. Just before they broke up he got very drunk one night and they stayed in his room (we wouldn't have allowed it but didn't know) he says he can only remember kissing and they definitely didn't have sex but after she said she felt really uncomfortable about it.
They got back together briefly a few months later and he asked her what happened. She said she woke and he was touching himself. She thought he was awake but he has no memory of this and thinks he must have been masturbating in his sleep.
That was several months ago now they are NC. He has in recent weeks been made aware there are rumours circulating that include the masturbating bit and also that tried to force her that night and was in general a pushy boyfriend when he was going out with her. He says he 100% knows he was never pushy in any way at any other time (he thinks he wasn't that night but can't fully remember to defend himself)
He is devastated and ashamed that everyone thinks this about him and knows these personal things about him (that he was touching himself)
I am beside myself with worry. What should we do?

Unsure there is much to be done really, just hope it all blows over soon.

Hopefully he can weather the storm with your support.

It's fine for him to challenge the parts he says he didn't do, if he gets the opportunity to. But no point making a bigger deal of it than otherwise might be.

His real friends will make their own mind up based on what they already know of him.

There is no shame in masturbation though. They all do it, conscious or not.

Yes, he and you should be worried
This is unlikely to die down organically

He says he 100% knows he was never pushy in any way at any other time (he thinks he wasn't that night but can't fully remember to defend himself)

interesting

Thanks so much for your reply. Good to hear you say just wait for it to blow over. I agree the masturbating but is nothing ( I was so relieved when I heard that's what she said he did!) but the idea of the story circulating when you're a very self conscious teen is embarrassing. Thank god he told me I am afraid what way his mental health would have gone if he hadn't.

He says he 100% knows he was never pushy in any way at any other time (he thinks he wasn't that night but can't fully remember to defend himself)

Is it possible he was a bit pushy in an inebriated state and doesn't remember?

How did you not know she stayed over in his room when you had previously not allowed this?

There's not a lot you can do OP, other than be there for him and weather it with him. And talk to him about the impact of alcohol on inhibitions, informed consent, etc.

Sounds like he needs in future not to get himself in a situation where he’s in bed with someone and he’s that drunk he can’t remember what he did.

And aren’t all teenage lads pushy when it comes to sex to some degree? I would take any claims of not being pushy eith a huge pinch of salt. Sounds like he has sone self reflection to do before going out with anyone else.

Thanks for your reply, I suppose it is a possibility which is what I'm worried about .. I'm hoping that the fact she told him about the masturbating upsetting her means that there wasn't more and that the rumour just grew legs

We realized she was there the next morning..

Hopefully it is just Chinese whispers. And hopefully he won't sneak girlfriends home for the night again in a hurry while drunk after this.

He will have learned that getting too drunk to know what you are doing is unwise. That is a positive.

Whatever he did or didn't do with this girl it has clearly disturbed her and hopefully he has learned a lesson here.

I don't think anyone will be surprised that he was aroused by being in bed with a girl.

Thanks for your nice reply. Yes lessons sure have been learned. He is also heart broken about the breakup which doesn't help.
Thank you 🙏

I can remember being heartbroken at 17. Hopefully he’ll get over it soon

I feel for you both, I have teen boys of a similar age. It’ll blow over soon when there’s another juicy story doing the rounds. Sounds like the ex gf has told a few people and it’s grown arms and legs when being talked about. The gf told your DS about him touching himself, she would probably have said if he was push too

Sounds super stressful for you. All you can do is continue to keep talking to him and checking in on him, it's great he has been honest with you and that I think protects some of the worrying mental health effects that could come from these rumours going around. He's likely to be down until it blows over so just keep supporting him as you are, good luck.

Thanks so much both of you for the kind messages. He is a bit better the last couple days and there has been no new developments in recent days so hope to goodness it will blow over.🙏🙏