Help please 5 year old behaviour challenging

[MsRo]

I have a 5 year old daughter and her behaviour is just not improving. Since she was 1.5 years she has been very cheeky and strong willed. She is intelligent and sociable, full of energy. But doesn't listen, I have to ask her to do something 8-10 times before she listens, or I have to shout before she listens which i don't want to do and i tell her i don't want to shout, so can she just do what I've asked her to do- it could be anything, wear your shoes, brush your teeth, tidy up, dont draw on the wall, dont kick your sister- most requests have to be asked 100 times before she complies.

She also hits her 2 year old sister, she is a little jealous of her and will intentionally try to get me to leave her sister out of activities, or will ask me not to give her sister a treat that shes getting or tell me not to take her with us if we are all going. Its getting out of hand, they fight and find it difficult to play nicely. sometimes she will call her sister names. I try to talk to her about being kind, kind hands, kind words etc. Other behaviours include jumping on the sofa, climbing on furniture, throwing things if she doesn't get her way, shouting at me and shouting at her sister, antagonising her sister, back chat, rudeness. - she's 5!!!!! I thought i had another 6 years before the chat back phase started.

I thought she would grow out of the tantrums but she hasn't. My husband and I are firm, we are not soft on her, we give her time out and take toys away. I've even stopped screens mon-fri as I thought this was impacting her.

She does not have a disability, so no need for any kind of assessment.

What type of consequences can i give her, apart from time out, and taking a toy away in that moment? I feel like i am constantly moaning at her and i dont like it. I don't want her to feel like she is a bad child, but she behaves like one all day. Its actually exhausting.

Will this behaviour improve? Will she stop being mean to her little sister?

I need ideas please.

I could have written this OP. Similar age gap I have an almost 6 year old and a 15month old. Girl and boy. Eldest is so so cheeky I don't know what do and consequences don't seem to work - is it normal behaviour for this age? She also wants to watch you tube all the time (I don't allow it apart from when I'm brushing her hair which is so so knotty)

The only thing that gets my eldest moving is making things a game / funny / pretending to be an alien and to not know where anything is or how to get dressed etc but that is exhausting - the baby is more independent than her!

How do you know she doesn’t have a disability? Her behaviour raises red flags for some additional needs, if you are parenting as you describe.

It will definitely get better, nothing lasts forever but it doesn’t feel like that in the moment.
I wonder if she is feeling insecure and unsure about her place in the family, how to seek approval and testing consequences of things. I would be tempted to pare things back.
when giving instructions make sure she is still, looking towards you and has brain space to listen. Give one simple instruction, praise when complete then the next. Be specific and with your praise- you are doing great listening, I like it when you get your shoes on straight away etc. I would give lots if of warnings before things end or change and make these understandable eg rather than 3 more mins, 2 more turns each, 1 more slide etc
in terms of consequences I think these need to be related to what went wrong eg you haven’t got your shoes on- I will wait for you, if we have time we can go to the park but if you are too slow it will be for a quick play. I wouldn’t take things away but make things fit shorter duration. I would also only sweat the big stuff otherwise it feels like a constant battle.
have you tried love bombing? Saying and showing how much you love being with her, How great you think she is etc as this can help her to see she is wanted/ loved etc and reaffirm her place in the family if her brain is feeling rejected. This could also give you lots of 1:1 time which is never going to be bad thing

I agree with everything @mummybee1 says.

Put in some some simple boundaries eg if she shouts at you/back chats, tell her you won't listen until she speaks nicely and then carry on with whatever you were doing.

Consequences have to be relevant eh taking a toy away because she's thrown it at you is fine. Taking a toy away because she's had a strop at leaving the park is meaningless.

Don't expect your DCs to play nicely together. There is a big age gap and the little one is likely to be unable to keep up with the big one. However, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to do their own things alongside each other. Fighting etc is not acceptable.

However, your 'big' child is only 5. They do still need a lot of help and guidance. Time management isn't a thing when you're 5. You need to help them by giving clear simple reminders etc. It's easy to forget how young they are when you have younger DCs.

I don't think her behaviour is out of the ordinary - what she is clearly craving is more of your time. How much 121 time does she get with you? How much time do you spend playing with her?

Parenting takes a huge amount of effort, kids aren't robots and aren't going to want to do boring things right when you expect them to - I'd recommend giving warnings before you're expecting her to change activity and making the new activity fun, even if that thing is putting on her shoes. Can she do a magic trick and get her shoes on while you get the keys, can she get her shoes on before you can count to ten, can she get her shoes on faster than you can - make it into a game she wants to play.

She is not going to want to play with a 1.5 year old, a 1.5 year old is going to be boring to her. I would keep one or the other of them helping you or doing something with you so they are not alone - especially bored and alone. If your dd is bored then she sounds like the sort of child who is going to be winding up her sister - I was the same!

So I would say forget trying to find more and more ways to punish her, you won't punish her into being well behaved. What she needs is more 121 time - where her behaviour will probably be better - and then you can give her lots of praise and as a result she will want to keep getting that praise and that will help improve her behaviour. The same goes for any time she is behaving well with her sister - be sure to notice and praise her.

if you don’t mind, can I ask what you’re basing this on? I ask because my sister is a NHS diagnostician specialising in autism and would need a lot more information than the OP provided to form any kind of hypothesis - even then it would be heavily caveated.

I didn’t mention autism or ND, I mentioned ‘additional needs’, which could be a whole range of barriers to learning. Nobody is diagnosing anything over the internet.

Phew! Glad to hear it! I guess it was just such a short amount of info ‘red flags’ make me think ‘blimey how on earth can you know that!’