Really shouted at my DS, am finding things hard...

[MarmadukeScarlet]

This will be a long rant as I am feeling sorry for myself, as I'm sure my DS is.

DS is 3.10 and has developmental delay of around 1 year (20 mths in some areas). I also have a challenging dyspraxic DD of 8.

The last few days have been a bit stressful - as most peoples lives are - but have had a burst soil pipe upstairs, which my plumbing insurance to from weds am to frid pm to send out an adequately competent plumber to fix the problem - the ceilings of 1 rooms downstairs came down in the initial torrent. It was half term and a nightmare.

This week have been trying to get all estimates etc in for repair/assessor coming Thurs.

Ds had both his legs plastered in Jan/Feb to correct a muscle contraction - these are removed and changed weekly to stretch and realign feet/legs, this cured his postural problems as to balance he used to bend forward at the waist (and fall and hurt himself a lot).

His feet were measured 6 weeks ago as his orthotic boots had got to small, yesterday they admitted hey had lost the order and he has to go back in Mon to be remeasured and wait up to another 2-4 weeks for them to arrive.

He is now having to go back into plaster next week as his posture has gone back to how it was and he is falling 10+ times per day - including 2 hospital trips for glue (on face and head) in the last 3 weeks. So I am livid about their incompetance having such bad consequences.

Today DS got up at 6am (despite being up between 3 - 4am when I was up with him, DD at 7am, DH got up at 8.45am. By which time I had done hung out 2 loads of washing and re loaded machine, un/loaded dishwasher, given the DDs boiled eggs for b/fast, fed rabbits, cat, unmuzzled the greedy ponies (to stop them eating and getting laminitis) changed DS' nappy, got him dressed and generally entertained the DC and kept them quite so DH could sleep. Also when he got up he wanted to S*it, shower and shave whilst I cared for the DC so he could take DD to ballet - which he does every week as it only involvs driving and sitting and having a peaceful coffee, something I would quite like to do. It is school fair today and I was looking forward to going, but he wouldn't look after DS whilst I got ready - he cannot be left as has no sense of danger. So I was feeling pretty resentful already.

My DS has become quite unkind and this week has bitten me hard enough to bite 3 times, due to his mobility problems he usually pushes round a brick truck/mobility pushchair (heavy wood) or similar. He just rams it into you if you are in the way, whilst politely shouting "excuse me". He does tis many times per day.

Today as I was opening the back door, so couldn't move out of the way, DS shouted "excuse me" and rammed me in the ankle with his pushchair. I screamed at him and shouted 'no' and put him on the bottom step - not that we have a naughty step as such I just wanted him away from his 'weapon' and me for a moment.

DH who was getting in the car heard me and came back in and asked what was going on. He doesn't think I should have shouted.

I'm sure I shouldn't have shouted, but what do you do with a near 4 yr old sized/strength child with the understanding of a 2.5 yr old?

God I am fed up of having no me time, I've put back on nearly all the 24 lbs I lost last year just due to not enough time to eat and excercise properly, even if I had gone to the summer fair I'd have hated it as all that fits me are my jeans and it is a swanky private school full of stick thin pampered Mummies.

God I feel really sorry for myself and should just pull myself together, even I despise me for being so pathetic.

I apologise for my post, but needed to get it off my chest.

bruise not bite

Oh and this is in parenting as I was hoping someone would wade through the self-pity and give me some parenting skills advice on how not to shout at my DS when he hurts me or how to stop him from hurting me.

Sounds like a really stressful situation, you'd have to be a saint not to shout!

I think it's completely understandable, you only shouted "no" and only in response to being hurt, it's kind of hard to act rationally when we're in pain! Don't beat yourdelf up about it. What I do when I shout at DS is usually appologise afterwards, explain why I shouted, and give him a big hug. Doing something like that might help you feel a bit better about it?

Good luck, I hope your situation gets better soon.

"He doesn't think I should have shouted."

well that wasn't exactly a helpful comment IMO
I am sure none of us should shout at our children but we do sometimes when things get too much. I am amazed at what you are coping with and that this has only led to one incident of shouting tbh

I am not surprised you feel sorry for yourself. What a lot you are dealing with.

I think it's a perfectly normal response to shout when someone rams something into your ankle. You taught your son that if he rams things into people's ankles they might shout - this isn't a bad lesson to learn. Maybe he has continued to do it before because you never reacted very strongly - maybe he will now think twice before doing it again?

Thank you for your kind posts.

Smug, yes you may be right. But I really screamed/shouted enought to may him cry (almost hysterically) but I had already told him off 5+ times for it so far (once his siter, the rest me) and taken away whatever he was pushing.

He always says sorry and kisses it better, but just has no understanding of any consequence including waving your arms around at the table WILL knock over your beaker EVERY mealtime! It always seems such a surprise to him when it happens.

I know he can't help being the way he is, but nearly 4 years of changing nappies with no light at the end of the tunnel, regular hospital appts, currently undergoing statementing and trying to make decisions about education etc is driving me bonkers. I don't seem to be able to concentrate enough to get anything right.

This week I was returning a 3 week old laptop to PC world as it was broken, had to force them to replace it and pay f a bit more as model out of stock. I didn't notice the man hadn';t given me my card back so on Weds I had just finished packing up my bags in supermarket (£100+) and no card. Bank sent me another asap was suupposed to have ame pin but Friday filled up with diesel and card wouldn't work.

Oh my goodness - you poor thing. It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate at the moment. It sounds to me as though you are really exhausted (I'm not surprised!) - everything gets on top of me when I'm tired and anything that goes wrong can be the straw that breaks the camel's back - hence shouting etc. You are only human and you need a break. Sometimes even a short break can work wonders - can't you take your DD to ballet for a change next time and get your DH to bear a bit more of the strain? Maybe ask him to take over for a bit while you go out for an hour - perhaps to read a magazine over a coffee somewhere? At the very least please stop blaming yourself - you are not a terrible mother and shouting is not the end of the world - we ALL do this from time to time. Be kind to yourself. Try to look after yourself a bit better (there should always be time to eat healthily for example...). Don't be a martyr, try to prioritise your needs sometimes too - you can only look after your family properly if you are looking after yourself. Get some decent sleep if you can and I bet this will help. It won't sort out all the stresses of damaged ceilings, lost bank cards etc etc, but if you are feeling more energetic these hassles won't feel like such enormous hurdles. Good luck!!!

I agree with everyone. I think it is appropriate to shout at a child who is being deliberately naughty or has hurt you. This is how they learn that you have feelings too and that what they do affects you and has consequencies (otherwise how will they know?) You didn't hit him so don't worry.

I tend to get shouty when mine aren't being deliberately naughty (but just a bit annoying / load). I am trying to get in the habit of walking away to cool off rather than yelling. Also I try not to rant. Just have a quick yell, then forget it (and appologise later if appropriate).

I think you have plenty to shout at (I am just bad tempered ).

Good Luck.

I agree with above posts, you are only human and you are juggling a lot of things. Don't feel guilty about shouting, typical man to say that. My DH says things like that too and then I have to bite my tongue when I can tell he is getting irate with DCs .
Can you get out for an evening with a friend or two? Good luck.

Oh MS,you are only human

I think when things are stressful,which it sounds like they are,it is very easy to lose your temper.

I think your husband is being a bit unfair tbh.You had been very thoughtful letting him sleep in and he wouldn't return the favour by giving you time to get readyfor the fair thing.

I can only empathise re the developmental delay thing.dd has delay and is 2.5 with a mental age of 18 months.She also has mobility probs and wears splints.The other day she kept walloping me in the face with one whilst I was trying to put her other one on.IT HURT!!I took it off her and kept doing stern "Nos" verbal and then signing at her and she just laughs.I dunno how much is naughtiness and how much is she genuinely doesn't realise.Then she went in the kitchen and was pressing the buttons on the washing machine and then swinging off the doorhandles(Both quite repetitive behaviours she has) so we go through the whole "No" rigmarole again,and again,and again,and again,and again.....

Then ds is having his four year old naughty phase,and dp who is ill is yelling at me in his "steroid induced" angry way to get his tablets.This week our cooker and fridge freezer went as we had a problem with the electricity...

In fact when I read your post I thought maybe we were both living in the same parrallel universe

The only thing different is YOU ONLY SHOUTED ONCE!!!

I have been a stressed out ratbag harridan from hell all week and have shouted,erm,several times.You sound very patient to me.

I hope that you manage to find some quiet time in the evenings just for you to do something nice...a bubblebath,read a book,watch a film,mumsnet.

I think what MMAG+T said was good advice.Go easy on yourself.Sending comradely good wishes xxxxx

If at makes you feel any better I screamed at my 3.9 yr old the other night cos after two weeks of refusing to go to bed at anything amounting to reasonable time, and whith shedload of other stuff on my plate I'd had enough. You sound like saint to be able to cope so well with everything you're dealing with so take no notice of DH (I find that works quite well myself )

Hi, don't beat yourself up about the shouting. You are only human. You have a lot on your plate and don't underestimate how hard it is to have a child with special needs. I have an autistic son aged 4 and sometimes, when I've had a day like yours, and he is screaming and destroying the house I snap and I shout at him to stop. I feel like the crappest mummy on earth afterwards because a child like ours is not being naughty deliberately. We then have a big cuddle and put a DVD on and all is good in the world again can you ask your DH to muck in a bit so that you can have some time off? Maybe you can take your DD to ballet and have a coffee and read a magazine for half an hour?

Thank you to all posters

I have been feeling much better since posting.

Cinders did go to the ball, well fete, and I had a great time as I asked DH to have DS so DD and I could have a go on all the stalls and watch the bird display. Also had a chinese delivered in evening so no cooking either.

I went to bed at 10.30pm, settled an awake Ds as I went up and he didn't come in and wake me until 5.30am! So a really good nights sleep. At 7am asked DH to take over and had another hour.

After breakfast DD, DS and I caught the ponies and did lots of grooming, tail trimming, mane pulling and wormed and put insect repeller (all jobs that have needed to be done for a while - giving me stress as I was worrying about getting it done)on them - they looked so smart and dd was v happy. DS did keep banging his car into their back legs but they were good about it and he eventually understood not to do it.

DD and I then did lots of pony related jobs (digging ragwort out of the front paddock, washing out all grooming kit etc).

I also mended the lawn mower as DH had run over some bailer twine and the drive belt had come off, he said it now wrked better than before as the self propulsion thing was working again so no need to push. This gave me immense pleasure as I am a very practcal person.

Did the shopping, got 5 loads of laundry dry on the line (yeah!) and filled my near neighbours fridge with basics (milk, cheese bread, fresh pasta and sauce etc) as she returns from holiday tomorrow. Discovered a grass snake in the garage - unusual even for out here in the sticks!

Had a few long chats with my dashing neighbour and despite being very busy all day I feel energised and happy.

My DS has been on resonable behaviour all day, although ran off a bit at supermarket, he asked beautifully for his pram back and even told me where it was. I explained again not to bump and he didn't - so it may have worked!

cathcat I have booked a night out Thurs and next week too, so that has made me feel better. I'm also going to join WW again this week to get me back on track and make sure I eat healthily.

wrinklytum yup, parallel universe! Those splints are hard, I empathise. I think one of the toughest things about GDD is how long they ar 'babies' for iyswim. The relentless lack of independance in all areas of their lives compared to their peers is, in itself, exhausting and frustrating. DS did feed himself his tea all bar the last few mouthfuls today, not too much hands on and asked for another 'fork' (he meant a knife, but I'm fluent in his version!) When he is being charming, I forget how hard he is. His most common phrase is 'me help you'.

laundry (I love your name btw) that's what makes it so hard, that they are not being naughty on purpose, they just don't know any better/different.

Well, after my long ramble I am off to bed - tired but happy have a great week all x