How long will my new nightmare and upset child take to go back to normal and should I say anything to my friend?

[twinsetandpearls]

I was going to put this in am I being unreasonable but I know I am not.

DD had an extra week of school so she went to stay with my sister. For two days dd stayed with a friend and her family. Said friend has just gone through a divorce and reliving her teenage years. She has always been a wonderful mum and even cared for dd while I was in hospital so I had no concerns about her caring for dd. Her own child had always been a bit of a spoilt madam though, but friend admits this and has always been very good with my dd.

I collected dd yesterday from friends house to find out that she had been watching nightmare on Elm Street on you tube, dd is 6. The night before they had been up until 4 in the morning. They had not got dressed all day and all she had eaten was some cereal and biscuits. There were teenagers trapsing in and out of the house, although they seemed OK actually. The house was completely upside down, the room where she was sleeping we could not see the floor ( this is her own business but worrying as her house is always so tidy) there was scribble all over the walls - dd had added to this.

DD has come home with a real attitude that I would expect from my hard core year 9s.

Then to top it all when we were discussing our move down south dd asked how far from London we were because we could go to the spearmint club to learn to dance, I realised she meant the Spearmint Rhino lapdancing clubs

She has asked me to take her to some godawful clothes shop in town where they sell tarty clothes for girls - I am not!

Since coming back dd has been exhausted and visibly upset, she is clinging to dp and I and wanting us to be in the same room all the time.

Do I say anything to my friend or just not let her go again?

I think you need to be honest with her... do you guys have mutual friends - can you discuss with them what is going on? Come up with a group intervention? If not I think you should ask her to your place and have a chat about it -- if not for her then at least for her kids...

I can remember growing a few freinds had the type of household where this second adolesence occured with the newly single (mostly dumped for a 2nd trophy wife) moms. I usually does not end well for the kids who grow up with high levels of instability, random people in and out of their homes, lack of rules... it is easy to see how children can and do get into trouble from these types of homes.

dd is now saying they only watched the trailer on you tube.

We do have mutual friends.

I think you do need to speak toy uor friend and don't sugar the pill, she needs to know how unacceptable this was.
I know others have said you should just drop the subject now with DD, but, personally, I would have to feel certain that she had told me everything that felt upsetting to her.
The fact is, she was without adequate supervision for at least some of the time and around people you do not know - I think you need to gently talk to her about it and assure yourself that you know all you need to.

So your friend didn't know about the youtube thing? I wouldn't have thought that alot of 19 year olds would be aware of how things would affect a 6 yo.

Twinset, just support your friend, most people go off the rails a bit when they split up with someone, she will snap out of it. Was it a long relationship?

Maybe just don't let your dd stay round hers much - she has enough on her plate.

Good Luck

I don;t think she knew about the you tube thing but she does know they weer on the internet unsupervised.

Sorry but I think you're as much to blame as your friend is for allowing your dd to stay there when you said yourself

" things were not 100% rught withg her but thought that while my dd was there she would make an effort to provide basic care."

WTF! You only thought she'd make an effort to provide basic care, you didn't know for sure? And you let your 6 year old stay there.

All your own fault.

sorry but you need to be selective about who you leave our children with, you must know that deep down

Ooh you're all very condemny today

Why am I the only one sat here thinking about how the friend sounds like she needs some help and support?

Your DD will get over the film in time - the making of dvd may help (I could have done with that after bloody Thriller and Ghostwatch).

I do think your friend needs you though - not in a judgey discussing how your DD was cared for way, but ignoring that and just giving support. I know you are moving, but what you can do before, and phone/email after.

Of course I did not just think, dd has stayed with my friend countless times, even after the divorce and there has never been a problem.

I knew things were not 100% as in her dd was playing up and that she was having problems in the divorce. It did not enter my head for one moment that dd would not eat, get dressed or watch even a trailer of that film. The reliving her youth things happen when her own dd is at her dads for the weekend.

DD was supposed to be staying with my sister, that had been arranged. My sister and friend came for dinner and my friend who is dd godmother and very close to me said she would like some time with dd before we moved away. I can remember saying to dp that although her daughter was a little difficult, alhtough tbh she always has been, my friend seemed happier and more relaxed than I had seen her in years.

This woman cared for dd every day when she was baby and I was in hospital or recovering for months at a time. I have known her for over 20 years and she is known for being absolutely amazing with children.

I promise her Flame I am not judging her, I am annoyed and quite understandablt but I am also very worried. I know that is the situation was reversed she would feel the same way.

After my divorce and illness she was one of the few people that did not judge me and selflessly helped. She even took dd and I in when we had no where to live.

Of course I am selctive about who I leave my children with, this was a woman who is fantastic with children and along standing friend whose only crime is to go through a divorce and not cope.

Perhaps she is justabouttoeatallthejaffacakes this is all so out of charactar for her. I just don;t know what to say.

The important thing is within a few days she'll be fine I'm sure, she needs to rest, real food and be secure at home for a bit and she'll come back.. I'd just overhug her and tell her how much you've missed her.

As for your friend, I don't know what I'd do.. I'd feel I'd have to say something but wouldn't know what or how.

Don't worry Twinset, she'll get over it

I am not worried about loosing the friendship as that will not happen, and I don;t think we have lost our friendship in any way. I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing and make things worse.

I know dd will be fine in a few days Twiglett, when I started this thread I was just in shock.

Maybe I have over reacted, dd is now saying she did not watch the film and it was just a trailer. WE have just been in the car with some of her friends and apparantly there is a Freddy Kruger? charactar at one of the local attractions and all the kids who were dd age and from very stable homes knew who he was, what he looked like etc. I spoke to my friend about the lack of sleep and she said they were in her dd room but played all night. The food thing I just don;t get, when we were there she was cooking a joint of pork. But dd came home saying all there was to eat was biscuits and cereal and my sister who arrived just before us at the house also said she had not eaten.

It couldn't have been simply that there was food that your dd didn't like? I have been in the situation where I've looked after friends' children and biscuits have been all they've been willing to eat. Must sound awful when they tell the parents afterwards, but it's hard to really force a child not your own. Just a thought.

Tbh I wouldn't be that worried if one of my kids lived for a couple of days on cereals and biscuits, quite nutritious really. Not getting dressed would probably seem like a really exciting holiday thing to them. But I would be much less happy with the Freddy Kruger trailer. Though if I understood it rightly this was not actually sanctioned by your friend and she may not even have known until afterwards that the teenager intended to go on the internet.

19 is a very awkward age - some people are adults, and really you'd expect them all be, but some aren't iyswim. (can't imagine even my 11yo letting a small child watch anything scary). I think what I'm saying is, don't judge your friend too hard if she overestimated this person's maturity and common sense.

It is everything altogther and expecially ther Freddy Kruger things.

Dd eats like a horse, the simply not liking the food entered my head as when we had my friends dd to stay I don't think she ate very much as she is fussy. But dd is the kind of child who will eat when she is elsewhere even if it is not 100% to her taste.

I hear what you are saying about the 19 year old and she is a 19 year old in a strange country.