Making it work with a response police officer father.

[OverthinkingCharlotte]

My husband and I are talking families, he is a response police officer so works ridiculous shifts. I’ve raised concerns that for the 6 days on I will have to take the majority of the childcare because he’ll be at work or ‘trying’ to sleep between them. His attitude is it’ll be fine we’ll work it out. However, I think it needs more of a conversation- the challenge of that is the shifts mean when he is in the right headspace so we can have these conversations is very limited! Our parents both live far away so having regular grandparent support isn’t an option. Am I overthinking this or is having a baby with someone on response officer shifts really hard?! Any advice or help would be hugely appreciated!

If your hours are fixed, you'd be the one who was dealing with childcare around your hours of work. Shift work that constantly changes wouldn't work. Sure your husband will help. But I can only imagine being a police officer and hours could not guarantee regular hours.

My friend's husband is back on response team at the moment and they have three little ones. He is pretty much almost always home for lunch (when he's on lates, nights and rest days) and fully involved with the kids then. They make the most of rest days to spend time with each other and the children. I'm sure there would neee to be a shift in seeing time at home (except sleep time) not as free time but as family time nit that's the same shift as for any job! Good luck xx

As long as you are prepared to do the brunt of the childcare, just get on with it.
I managed in very similar circumstances. When he was available, dh was a great dad and was happy to take the kids off for the day so I could recharge and have a bit of time to myself.
Years on they remember him not being around much for a number of years (5) but also remember being out and about with him.

6 shifts on presumably means either 3 or 4 off? I did these shifts for years and other than early shifts, they’re an absolute dream for childcare.

My DH worked shifts in a different emergency service when the kids were little. It wasn't the same as your situation as the shift system was simpler, but in hindsight I wish we had been much, much clearer about what he would be picking up when he wasn't working so that everything didn't fall to me. I think you are wise to talk this through now. I felt quite resentful once I was back at work and the kids were in childcare/school as he would have loads of time to himself if his days off fell during the week.

The worst would be when he'd been off for most of the week and would go back on shift at the weekend, so I had to solo parent for the whole weekend. Obviously we survived and you get very used to it, but I do think making a plan to ensure there is balance in parenting responsibilities is important.

Also, it's frustrating as if you are working, you need childcare even though sometimes one parent will be at home.

Isn’t this the same generally with anyone who does shift work? I had an awkward roster when a staff nurse / deputy ward manager. You just have to try and work around it?

I grew up with a police officer for a father. Yes, there were times when he wasn't around much. But then he was around during the day the other half. As a pp said, he was often around during the day in school holidays, he cooked and cleaned when he was off and was a much more hands on parent than my friends dads, who all had traditional roles at a time when most dads didn't do housework or the school run.

I think it depends what type of person he is - he could be more involved if he wants to be as he will be around more as well as less. Or use it as an excuse. Much like any other father!

She’s trying to get advice on how that might work prior to deciding to have children, surely?

In this position now and can safely say it’s fucking hard but we make it work. I’m self employed so I am able to change my hours depending on when he’s had overtime (which is often). This is crucial for me working but when our baby was first born I did really struggle with this and felt a lot of resentment, not just at him but at the system. It’s not the shifts that bother me, it’s the overtime, it will always ultimately come before us

What’s helped us is, a serious amount of communication without either being defensive, me saying “this isn’t an attack but I do just feel like I hate your job sometimes” and him knowing that when I say that I need support

No pissing contests, his job is fucking hard and so is mine, both of us acknowledge this and need to hear that we’re doing good jobs from each other

When he’s home that is unequivocally his time with our baby. Using that time for working has meant we’re somewhat passing ships which is hard, I really miss him. He has hobbies but far less time for them now, right now we need him and he gets this

I’m painting a bleak picture here and in all honesty I’d rather this wasn’t his career. But I love him and I know how happy this job makes him. It’s definitely doable but with hard work from both sides, your partner would really need to appreciate the heaviness of your role in this situation. Little ones quickly grow up and become easier but right now, with a 4 month old baby we’re in the trenches. I don’t sound it but I am overall quite happy in a weird way, it’s a rough ride but seeing him be a dad is worth it for me

I'm currently living this with a 1.5 and 2.5 yo. I also came from a similar home life so had some idea of what it was like. I had a great childhood. But this shit is hard. The main diffence was that was the 80s/90s and my mum didn't have to work.

He is a great guy, and a brilliant dad, but we are not working as a team currently and it is effecting the relationship. He is also just happy for me to take on the responsibilities. We have not ironed out all the kinks since I have gone back to work 6 months ago and I do think that if we had communicated better from the off and ironed out expectations and minimum standards it would have helped.

He was also of the mindset that it would work itself out, but in reality, as his shifts are set it really means that it's me who works it all out. I am the breadwinner and currently working full time condensed hours to fit it all in. I know he is tired, we all are, and it increasingly difficult to have sympathy for his shifts. I do too much but this week I've decided to no longer be the martyr!

The main bones of contention are division of labour and rest days. I get zero rest days. There are no downtime days for me. He gets at least 2 full days a month and multiple half days where he has no children and is off. He sees these as rest days where he chooses to potter and to fit in his hobbies. Lucky him. He's about to get all the laundry responsibilities handed to him, some meal prep, and my decision to move some of my non working days to accommodate a few rest days for me. I think it's the only way I'll keep my sanity.

I'm also planning on hiring a babysitter so we get at least one night as a couple a month. We need to some time to connect and not just be overworked ships in the night.

Although this post reads as negative, i hope it doesnt deter you. It is difficult but doable. Our kids are great and have two loving parents. We have a good life, but it takes work and is intense. It requires constant tweaks as kids/we move through different stages. Just try to be a team. Read the book Fair Play. It's a good way to start the conversation or think about how to break things up that works for all.

What kind of conversation do you need to have? Yes, on the six days on you'll be doing the vast majority of childcare. Are you wanting him to change jobs? Because otherwise there isn't really a solution?

My dh has a job where he is out of the house from 5/6am and often not back until anywhere between 5:30pm to 12:00am. Plus periods where he's away overnight, or away for weeks at a time. It's hard, but we wanted kids and I'm a SAHM so I make it work. We also don't have any family support. I'm not going to lie, it is really tough sometimes.

Depends what you do for work I would say and how likely it is to be flexible for childcare. Without knowing that it's difficult to say.

6 on 4 off is pretty grueling, but not so much so that you can't get him in the right headspace to discuss it. He has 4 days off.

As for having DC, he will be home to do a lot of the childcare. When hes on days he can do bedtime, afternoons he will be home until after lunch, and nightshift he can be around from 3pm (earlier of his last shift).

The real drawback is that this irregularity doesn't help so much with organised childcare.

Because otherwise there isn't really a solution?

Some people might choose not to have children in this situation. Both options are valid.

Well obviously.

Hey @OverthinkingCharlotte my hubbie and I are both in the job and have been for nearly 20 yrs , honestly shifts work sooo much better for childcare! We’ve saved a fortune over the years. Is it 2 Earlies / 2 lates / 2 nights?
Yes it’s tough when they are little, you will both get no sleep…. but that is parenting, in terms of the headspace he will just have to get used to someone else having needs when he is lates or nights . After mat leave with my 1st I was on safeguarding , I’d finish at midnight on lates ( if I didn’t work over ) DS would wake up at 5.30am, I’d have him all day as hubbie was at work… we’d swap him over in the car park at work and I’d be back on lates at 4pm and DH would have him all night.

We just made it work.
Now the kids are older life is easier, less brekkie and after school clubs to pay for. He will come off nights and take kids to school and go back to bed etc’