Probelms with unkind classmate - DS (age 6)

[Kazzia]

DS is just 6. His class is divided into reading groups and he is in the top one. There is another boy in his group that he really admires - good at reading/ sport etc.

However it seems that this little boy is not really interested in being friends with DS but just wants to wind him up and be rather nasty to him e.g. excluding him from playtime games & refusing to play with him when DS asks.

The most recent example is that having told DS that he wouldn't come to his b'day party even if invited, he then demanded an invite, has apparently not passed this on to his mum & has now told DS that his mum says he can't come. He even told DS that he needed to have a "special" party bag!!

I have said to DS that this boy does not seem to be very kind etc - i.e. tried to put him off him in a low key way but am loath to get too involved as, after all, this is part of growing up isn't it.

The issue is slightly complicated by the fact that this boy is from a different ethnic group to us, so don't want any racist overtones to creep in.

Has anyone else dealt with this kid of thing and what was outcome? I'd love it if DS could just ignore him but as they are together in lessons its not possible.

It is a terrible feeling when your child is not being treated well, so sympathies to you and your ds.

I would focus on reinforcing and strengthening friendships with other (kinder) classmates (playdates, etc), so that when this boy is unkind, it will matter less.

There is a book bullies,big mouths and so called friends

which deals very well with these kind of issues and would be suitable for his age.

It's such a shame that kids of this age are attracted to the louder, bossier kids. DD age 5 often comes to me telling me the unkind things other children say/do, tbh I take a lot of it with a pinch of salt as she can be quite a drama queen and loves getting my attention anyway she can (I'm not saying that is what your DS is doing btw). But still to be on the safe side and for future reference maybe I have found myself coaching her in the things she can say back or do when these things happen. e.g., she told me a friend said she had to give her the little toy she keeps in her bookbag or she wouldn't be her friend anymore - We talked about what makes a good friend and then I made a suggestion about what she could say next time and then got her to repeat it back to me. She has since repeated this back to me on later occasions, as if she is the one giving ME the advice, (little adult that she is!)so I know she's taken it in. Anyway, hope that doesn't come over too patronising. Good luck.

My ds3 is a bit younger at 4.5 but he has a friend whom tbh I struggle to like, though the crux is that sometimes but not always (= cue massive upsets) ds3 is fine with how his friend behaves....
...eg friend (J) came round to play with my ds (A). Constant and I mean constant "I'm the guest, so I get to choose the game". "You need to share that cos I'm the guest", "A's Mummy, A dropped his piece of chicken on the floor ", "A, you're a baby, you're crying cos I've got your truck" . I know i know I know they're four, but really isn't that just button pushing to an annoying degree ? By the end of the playdate i was so glad to see J's mum arrive at my front door. Since then I've tried to widen A's friendship group, successfully btw as he's actually quite popular, but recently agreed to let A go to J's house - it was some time after the disastrous time at mine, and both boys seemed keen. At pick up, J's mum left the room briefly to fetch my ds's coat, whereupon J immediately said in my hearing to A:"You can't play with this it's mine. And when my daddy gets home and asks me about my day I'll say it was ok to start but A ruined it" Then drove into him rather hard on his ride on car....

I give up; what would you do here ? I've gently suggested to A that such talk isn't "kind" and that he wouldn't talk to his friends like thAT, but after flaring up briefly at J he still thinks J is his friend, whereas i think if J carries on like this much beyond the next few months, he won't be having any nore playdates. He's just too damned annoying.

Don't fret too much. There's a horrible tendancy in kids (and adults!) to want to be friends with the "cool" ones. Maybe your DS's class mate is one of these and maybe this little lad has enough friends already.

Try and encourage some other friendships and gently explain to your DS that it's not likely that everyone he meets will want to be a close friend with him.

Remember we only hear about the times our kids are rejected or feel left out. We don't hear about the times they do it to others - it's just life.

Lots of excellent advice on this thread.

I have learnt over the years that my role as a parent is that of a sympathetic ear rather than the one that sorts out their personal relationships (unless of course there is systematic bullying by a group of children).

They need somebody they can rant safely at at the end of the day, presenting things from their own viewpoint only, knowing that I won't embarrass them by taking immediate action.

Come to think of it, I need that too. I need to be able to sit down and tell dh about the horrible day I had and how this horrid person at work was unfair to me- all in the safe knowledge that dh won't be turning up at work next day to sort my work mates out . If I thought he would, I'd never tell him anything.