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Screen time out of control

22 replies

OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 09:24

NC for this as my “middle-class parenting shame” is off the scale! It’s about excessive screen time for ds age 7.

Dh is a good dad but he LOVES tv/streaming films on his phone. We have all the main streaming app and a huge TV. There are three iPads in the house and 4 iPhones. We have a teenage dd as well as ds age 7. At the weekend when dh gets up, he turns the TV on and watches car or comedy or news programmes. When he is wfh he watches tv whilst eating lunch. You get the picture. Dh has never read a book or a magazine in the whole time I’ve known him. He would never suggest playing a board game, but he might suggest doing something sporty or going to wash his car with ds.

Inevitably dh resorts to screens for a quiet life with the kids. He introduced an iPad to ds when he was a toddler after my mum died and I was in a bit of an emotional mess. At that stage it was a bit of YouTube kids and cbbc. Then around age 5 ds moaned he didn’t have a phone like his sister, so dh gave him an old iPhone and installed YTK and CBeebies. Last summer I had to be hospitalised for several weeks and while I was away Dh set up ds with Minecraft. Since then it’s all ds wants to do - YouTube kids and Minecraft. Mainly watching videos about Minecraft!

I have begged and moaned and pleaded with dh to help me reduce the screen time. Dh ignores me - he claims he put on screentime controls but it was a lie. He truly doesn’t see it’s a problem. I am starting to hate him for it.

I have recently put screen time controls on the iPad and iphone but ds goes beserk about it.

I said to dh maybe we have to be go cold turkey and dh said absolutely not that ds is fine with doing four hours a day. Truly I think dh simply overrides the screen limits and it’s often a lot more - at weekends when I complain dh looks sulky and will sit ds down to watch a film instead on TV which isn’t really much better.

I have to force ds to play Legos with me, to turn off his screen when he eats meals with me. I have taught ds to play chess which he likes, and we do jigsaws. But basically I’m “bad cop” to his beloved dad’s generous screentime. Ds totally worships his dad, it’s no exaggeration.

What the heck do I do?

OP posts:
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Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:26

Shit
this sounds bad
and your DH is at the core of it

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:27

Dh has never read a book or a magazine in the whole time I’ve known him

not very “middle class”
😆

on a serious note though, I can’t imagine being very attracted to someone who literally never read and has never read a book! Each to their own. Surely you aren’t surprised that someone like this is going to be pretty screen addicted?

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:29

do you sit down for family meals?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:30

I have begged and moaned and pleaded with dh to help me reduce the screen time. Dh ignores me

this is neither a “good dad” nor a good husband

Anthonettesoprana · 07/11/2025 09:30

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:27

Dh has never read a book or a magazine in the whole time I’ve known him

not very “middle class”
😆

on a serious note though, I can’t imagine being very attracted to someone who literally never read and has never read a book! Each to their own. Surely you aren’t surprised that someone like this is going to be pretty screen addicted?

I don’t think my other half has ever read a book or magazine in the whole time I’ve known him (and we started dating when we were 15 and had kids together super young ) but he knows our kids (similar age to ops) shouldn’t be stuck in front of tv all day. Things are so addictive and they’ll say all their friends are doing it kind of becomes a war and ideally both parents are on the same side

soupmaker · 07/11/2025 09:35

Bloody hell, this is tough. The solution is you and your DH both being on the same page about screen time, and I’ve no idea how you get there.

Does your teenage DD self regulate well?

Lockdown really didn’t help with DD2 who is now 12. She has a phone but it gets locked down after 2 hours use and she has access to an iPad but doesn’t know the code to open it. We also have a ban on phones when eating and no tv where our dinner table is which also helps.

If your DS does plenty of other activities in and out the house then I’d be inclined to reduce the screen time and change the access code to it rather than go cold turkey.

Good luck.

Thundertoast · 07/11/2025 09:54

Bloody hell, this is so unbelievably irresponsible of your DH.

Have you tried gathering research etc about the effect of screen time on kids and getting him to read it? Signs of screen addiction in kids etc. Have you tried saying 'okay, why dont we try cold turkey for a couple months, then if that doesn't work, we meet in the middle and go for 2 hours a day rather than 4? We need to compromise and this way we arent just doing it your way?'

Dorrieisalittlewitch · 07/11/2025 09:56

Can you increase time outside? Whether that's organised activities or just playing in the park/garden?

When is the biggest issue timewise? Weekends or before or after school. I would think about each of those as individual separate problems and see how you could tackle each one. We do it by encouraging activities, playdates and rules like "no devices when eating" and "homework has to be done before gaming". My minecrafter (also 7) will happily build/design in other mediums too so I make up prompts for the magnatiles, lego or the many building blocks we have.

Anthonettesoprana · 07/11/2025 10:01

Dorrieisalittlewitch · 07/11/2025 09:56

Can you increase time outside? Whether that's organised activities or just playing in the park/garden?

When is the biggest issue timewise? Weekends or before or after school. I would think about each of those as individual separate problems and see how you could tackle each one. We do it by encouraging activities, playdates and rules like "no devices when eating" and "homework has to be done before gaming". My minecrafter (also 7) will happily build/design in other mediums too so I make up prompts for the magnatiles, lego or the many building blocks we have.

I imagine it must be extremely resentment inducing to take the child out for a big five hour long exhausting escapade and feel all good about it and then get home and dad lets them sit in front of the iPad for five hours.

op do your neighbours have any children a similar age he can play with?

Boymummy2015 · 07/11/2025 10:39

Hey OP

Firstly, don't beat yourself up over this. I know it's hard and if we're all honest we are all guilty from time to time of allowing things just because it's easier.

DH is being lazy but he probably just thinks it's the norm as thats his interests too, there are so many kids at my boys school who spend their weekends playing xbox etc with their dads, not for me or our family but you know what those kids are happy and loved and looked after.

My boys have screens and will sit on them all day everyday if allowed to I think most kids would tbh. However, I have set some boundaries which seem to work I will put bits I have introduced below. But I also find that trying to entice them with outdoor activities really helps, my boys love playing out on their bikes so this is a surefire way to get them off their backsides and in the fresh air etc.

This is the things I have.....

  1. no screens at the dinner table
  2. no tv in the morning until they are fully ready for school and fed etc
  3. if they want to watch tv or play on ipads/phones before bed then they are allowed 15 mins and must go up early to allow this time
  4. screens/remotes come out of their bedrooms at night and its time to sleep
  5. homework/reading must be completed before any screens allowed
  6. chores to be done before screens - they all have little jobs to do at home
  7. bad behaviour screens are taken off them and banned
  8. no screens before football training or matches (they are academy footballers so this is a massive one for them.

thats a few and reading back I sound militant lol but my kids will take the piss if I allow them to so I have to stand firm with them and set my stall out then if they deviate they know what will happen. If I'm honest the screens only become an issue for us when the weather turns (so this time of year) and the dark nights set in.

I have mixed views on screens tbh I think they are great at certain times and for mine they are really busy boys with a busy football schedule plus School so I think they need that downtime too. Unfortunately there arn't many kids now who will pick a book up and read for hours it's not as cool as roblox or minecraft etc the world is a different place to when we were growing up.

OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:20

Thanks - I’m catching up on these points.

  1. I promise we are “very middle class”! Dh just loves his telly. And I love Dh, he’s sexy and successful in his corporate career and an all-round good guy who pulls his weight and is kind to our families. He’s basically perfect aside from this!
  2. Teen dd was stuck on screens /roblox loads in lockdown and that has been an impossible habit to kick. She does literally live in her iPad like dad - she has that or Spotify on when she works, I doubt she’s even listening to it really! She is a pleasure to live with, successful at her state comprehensive school (on track for six 9s and five 8s at gcse) and county-level in her sport, so this has been unhelpful for my campaign to convince dh that iPads rot young brains!
  3. the problem is when ds is not actively doing something else he is on his screen. I’m so ashamed even to confess it anonymously here! In the bath. In the car. Whilst eating breakfast. In restaurants. Sometimes at dinner (I do snap and remove it when dh isn’t around).

I know I need to set rules. I do have some rules that work - for example he doesn’t watch the iPad whilst he’s on the loo (yes!! I did have to make a rule about that!!!). and he doesn’t watch iPad or tv whilst doing Lego or other games - we do one thing at a time. Again, yes I had to actively insist on that. Also, if I am talking to him I make him turn the iPad off and I get an eyeroll but he does comply. The very second I stop talking though, it’s back on!

DS does do lots of extra curriculars - martial arts once a week, football, multi-sports, drama, swimming, one day of After School club, Beavers. (I did say I was middle class! Haha). And he plays chess and swims recreationally and cycles a lot when the weather is good (he can do a couple hours of cycling, he loves being outside).

But the in-between times are screens. If I mention reading you’d think he was going to have his teeth extracted without anaesthetic. He will negotiate the exact number of minutes we have to read for.

it’s totally out of hand isn’t it?

Give me a hands-up vote: should I do two weeks of cold turkey?

OP posts:
OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:24

@Boymummy2015 actually you sound like an excellent parent. Not militant.

it is so hard to set rules when one parent refuses to get on the same page.

Ironically dh constantly makes sarcastic comments about teen dd being on her iPad endlessly. But he doesn’t see that ds is far worse!

i think I have a dh problem, right?

or is it possible for there to be “mum rules” and “dad rules” in the same house, without me basically being the Bad Guy?

OP posts:
OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:32

Anthonettesoprana · 07/11/2025 10:01

I imagine it must be extremely resentment inducing to take the child out for a big five hour long exhausting escapade and feel all good about it and then get home and dad lets them sit in front of the iPad for five hours.

op do your neighbours have any children a similar age he can play with?

Oh my you nailed it YES! I am constantly trying to find great things for ds to do - baking, board games, digging in the garden, playing with his snap circuits or magnetises.

I can’t just say to ds “no more screens, go and play or draw or paint”. He has to be constantly stimulated or he will slink back to his devices or turn on the tv or just moan and moan and moan. I am a terrible parent. It has been extremely hard because I’ve been so unwell things definitely deteriorated in that period of time I wasn’t able to invest in project “keep ds away from his screens”. It’s so hard to put the very few boundaries I had in place back.

OP posts:
OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:34

Yes we do have neighbours with kids. And yes we do have play dates from time to time.

From what I’ve written you’re probably thinking there aren’t enough hours in the day for ds to do all this screen time as well as his school and extra curriculars. But there is, if you are watching your screen while you dress and eat and bathe and rest in bed. And the weekends obviously.

OP posts:
Tryingatleast · 07/11/2025 11:38

Keep on being bad cop and force board game/ games nights but throwing in the odd group computer game night (we all sit and take turns to play and the kids laugh at how awful I am but it is funny!). Your dh though, I’d say ‘lose’ his iPad for a day or two, if anything just to give you that sense of revenge 😅

OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:52

Grotcof · 07/11/2025 09:27

Dh has never read a book or a magazine in the whole time I’ve known him

not very “middle class”
😆

on a serious note though, I can’t imagine being very attracted to someone who literally never read and has never read a book! Each to their own. Surely you aren’t surprised that someone like this is going to be pretty screen addicted?

I know, I know.

We are chalk and cheese as I’m a huge reader. We are the “what happens after” of a teen romcom in which the jock falls for the nerdy girl at school! It works because we do truly love each other. We are both “live and let live” types, perhaps too easy-going for our own good.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/11/2025 12:18

You could try the cold turkey and see how it goes?

Or you could try adjusting a bit slower. I have a similarly screen-attached DH, and if I'm totally honest I am internet addicted too, I have to really resist it almost all of the time.

With DS1 (now a teenager) it was unlimited partially because I had vague notions that it was cool to let kids self-regulate (lol - that never happened) but probably also because I was a bit overwhelmed when he was younger. When he was about 10 and we were getting him assessed for ADHD and they queried the screen time, it was like a massive lightbulb moment and said OK this has to stop - cut it down to 3 hours max per day and this did improve things hugely. I think because previously, I'd been too wimpy to cut it down properly because any time he was off the screen he would be absolutely impossible, flopping and moaning and complaining about being bored, asking if it was screen time yet or what jobs he could do to earn screen time - he was obsessed and it drove me absolutely mad.

Once it was down to less than 1/4 of the time he was awake, it seemed to flip things the other way around, where rather than spending every non-screen minute obsessing over the screen, he stopped doing that and actually engaged with other things, which was a huge relief.

Once he got to age 16 he asked us very nicely if we could take the limits off, since none of his friends had limits and he believed he was more responsible then. He was out a fair bit at the gym/with friends/at school so we said OK but kept a bedtime limit on, since he's prone to staying up late and it affecting school otherwise. (BTW - he did end up getting the ADHD diagnosis anyway at age 13. They do not think it's screen related - the doctor said it's probably the opposite way around, that the ADHD makes him more likely to be drawn to screens.)

DS2 & 3 (7 & 4) came along and then of course there was the pandemic. When they were really tiny the TV was on so much of the time. DH insisted this was fine because they would just play around it and ignore it - OK. But then they started getting older and I really didn't want to fall into the same patterns so we got into this dance where I would constantly be trying to turn the TV off and DH would constantly be putting it on - it's like he's afraid that if he is not entertaining them directly and the TV is not on, it's terribly unfair and cruel to them, which I don't agree with.

It really sorted itself out more when we moved and I was home 24/7 with the DC before we got them into new schools and I just had a rule of no screens within certain hours and a max amount of time per day on the console which was a much lower limit than DS1 ever had. We also have an old phone with games on but I keep this and they get access to it occasionally using a timer, but not every day.

Then I instigated a rule that we do NOT do screens as the first thing the minute we get home. We have to do at least 1 other thing first. At first this was just a quick game of Uno or something but as they got used to this, it branched out to be more involved playing and some days they didn't even want/ask to go on screens until dinner, where unfortunately they are still used to watching TV. But it's much better and weekends aren't just a constant screen fest. There is still a lot more screen time than I'd like at weekends, but since we've come to a norm of majorly reduced screen time during the week, DH is starting to see this as more the norm as well - it also helps that since I've instigated this, you can absolutely see a difference in their behaviour on the too-much-screen days - DS2 gets really hyper and silly, whereas DS3 won't go to sleep at bedtime unless he's had a bit of a run during the day.

DS1 is fine - aside from the ADHD (which is probably genetic anyway as I also have it and so does DS2) which is fairly mild for him, he does well at school, he is social and has IRL friends, a girlfriend, a job, he goes travelling, he has hobbies, he is generally doing fine and actually makes me laugh with how sceptical he is about AI and social media/microcontent. So I am not especially worried about any long term harms of screen time. My major focus is how unpleasant it is when they are basically so used to the screen that they can't cope without it or can't seem to entertain themselves without it. That, I really don't like and find incredibly draining to manage, as well as it being too easy for me to slip into bad habits of too much computer time, so I prefer to limit the screen time to a level where we avoid all of this.

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Boymummy2015 · 07/11/2025 14:14

OfflineDreamer · 07/11/2025 11:24

@Boymummy2015 actually you sound like an excellent parent. Not militant.

it is so hard to set rules when one parent refuses to get on the same page.

Ironically dh constantly makes sarcastic comments about teen dd being on her iPad endlessly. But he doesn’t see that ds is far worse!

i think I have a dh problem, right?

or is it possible for there to be “mum rules” and “dad rules” in the same house, without me basically being the Bad Guy?

Yes I think its definitely a DH problem HAHA!
I think you need "wife rules" 😂

I think you can potentially have "mum rules" & "dad rules" but I think that in front of the kids you both have to support each other so maybe when their home with dad and your out then if dad says they can have screen time then fine but once your home and you want to do something else DH has to support you and to the kids as well so maybe "come on now kids mums home lets do something mum wants to do we've had enough screentime lets find something fun we can all enjoy".

You mention your DH has a big corporate job role, this probably explains his approach in someways..... daily responsibility and constantly "thinking" so his home life is down time. Unfortunately it isn't that simple as we know so I think that maybe getting DH to think outside this is what needs to be done.

Good Luck

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