My son is struggling with no father figure

[Reno18]

I'm not sure where to start as it’s a mess! I have 4 children aged 21,18,16,10. The older 3 have the same dad who was abusive to me (we split when my eldest was 7) and he stopped seeing my children altogether around 4 years later (his choice). I met someone else, we had a child and were together around 12 years, we split in December just gone. He was never the best step dad, he clashed with my second eldest massively (one of the reasons we split up) and my eldest daughter (16) just never really liked him. My older son (21) is studying in America and my youngest son (18) is struggling with not having a father figure around. He’s always had an attitude and hasn’t grown out of it. He can be the nicest kid, he’s polite to others out of the house and he’s fun, popular, outgoing, but to me and his sisters he can be so horrible. He has this week told my mum he’s suicidal and I’ve been looking into councilling for him. He doesn’t respect my house rules (they’re very basic), tonight I told him not to walk upstairs with his shoes and he’s just so rude. I tried talking to him about it which turned into an argument and he said it’s so hard for him to not have a father figure. My heart breaks because I can do almost everything but I can’t do that. Does anyone have the same or similar situation? My dad is useless, for many years I asked him to do boy things with them but he refused. My family isn’t close so I don’t have any men who can help.

That sounds very tough for you both. Honestly, if my DS was feeling suicidal, I wouldn't give a toss (temporarily) about shoes upstairs. Pick your battles.

Can you go to him and make up with him, make him a cup of cocoa or offer to make his favourite breakfast tomorrow, and just open up opportunities to chat. At that age, I found it best to ask 'What can I do to help? And 'How can I support you?' worked better than digging for information or offering advice.

But I would tackle the suicide issue. Take it seriously. Try to help him believe that he will come through that feeling and out the other side of it. Chat to him about the issue of him wanting a good father figure. Maybe say that is a perfectly reasonable thing to want, and you are sorry he hasn't had one (but don't take the blame - don't ever let children blame their mothers for the feckless men who aren't in their lives.) Ask how he'd feel about finding a handful of good male role models - maybe a teacher from school, a youth or sports or church leader, a neighbour or uncle, a counsellor or family friend, and getting a sense of what kind of man he wants to be through them. Offer suggestions that aren't all macho - kind and gentle, quiet men are just as valid role models. You could try watching Ted Lasso together. It is funny and its themes of male friendship and support are one of the most refreshing and lovely depictions of good male role models I've ever seen on TV. Several of the characters have bad relationships with their fathers and work through this by finding support in each other.

Watching with interest, similar situation but my ds is much younger. Its so hard for them not having a father figure 😔

Same here my son is 11 and struggling with no father figure people will claim kids don’t need a father but it’s BS in most cases especially for boys.

Joining a team sport is a good opportunity to find a role model. I would get the 7 year old in now to stop this issue arising later. I don't know where you are located but there are some programmes focusing on role models for lost boys combined with boxing. Try youth centres or job mentoring programmes. Get online and have a look in your area.