How can I help my 7 year old..

[Needingadvice05]

Looking for some advice with my 7 year old at the moment. He's having a really tough time missing his dad. He and I are divorced and he spends 3 night a week with him. Recently when he's with me all he says is 'daddy, I want daddy' and 'I like him more than you'. It's like a constant. He just says it on repeat when he's with me. He doesn't want to do anything and nothing I try to do helps.

He was with his dad the last three nights in a row so I thought that would help but he just still keeps repeating it to me 'daddy, I want daddy, I want to see daddy now'.

I speak to a child psychologist and am now trying to find him some therapy for him hoping it will help. It's making me feel very far away from him and like I'm a terrible mum or doing something wrong..

One thing he did say to me today was 'daddy lets me cry for as long as I want' I feel so bad because sometimes he has tantrums that last for over an hour and it gets to the point where I say 'you've had a good cry but this isn't helping you anymore, what can we do to take your mind off it?' I'm also probably less patient than his dad.. I have my son more than him as I have him every day after school and also an extra night but I'm definitely not as patient.. it's something I'm working on but I'm worried it's the reason he wants to be with his dad more...

I'm just not sure how to handle or how I can help him or fix what I'm doing wrong...Am I wrong to not let him cry for so long? It gets very animalistic and he starts scratching and writhing around and nothing I do calms him down.. eventually I tell him he needs to stop but it's when I've been patient for ages and tried absolutely everything else.

I'm not sure what to do.. tonight he's been saying it every few minutes on repeat and I feel like a failure.

Any advice is really appreciated 🙏

Does he understand about the divorce and the routine for who he is with when? A calendar might help with D or M on and some sort of basic explanation about the rules and how you have to share him now.
I expect he misses you when he’s with Dad.
Was he closer to Dad before? Are the meltdowns new since the split or was he like this before?
If dad doesn’t have him as much it will be more of a novelty too.
If you can I’d try to have some common ground rules in place so there is some consistency. I know that might be hard.
It’s fine to try to distract him from the crying by using distraction or something you know he likes can you help me with…, I bet you can’t do x before me, shall we go and make/ watch etc. Just telling him to stop doesn’t seem to be working.
I wouldn’t ask him what he wants to do as once so upset he won’t be able to think
or want to engage.
Try cuddling, a weighted blanket or maybe even a heated cuddly or photo cushion of dad?
I’d speak to school too they might be able to help with his emotions and understanding the situation. They probably have books for children about his situation and lots of other children will live like this too.
Good luck it sounds like you are blaming yourself as Mums do.

@24Dogcuddler thankyou so much for reading my post and for your advice, I'm really grateful - these are all really good suggestions!

He's always been prone to meltdowns but he goes through good and bad periods and this one is particularly bad.. I try everything with him but it doesn't seem to help.. the only thing I know will help is a 'Lego kit' but I can't just keep buying them and giving them to him every time he sais he misses his dad... ? He just says it to me on loop the whole time I'm with him.. can I ask him to stop saying it? Or is that a bad thing?

He also told me yesterday that I shout at him which I do sometimes but not often just when I'm at my max.. and I hate myself for it afterwards... you read online all these articles about how you shouldn't shout at your children and how damaging it is but sometimes it's impossible not to?? I find it so hard but maybe it's just me...

I understand that this is horrific for you, but honestly I would stop walking on eggshells around the whims of a (by the sound of it very spoilt) 7-year-old. Why is he crying for over an hour at a time? That's not normal behaviour. He shouldn't be allowed to be cruel to you (which repeatedly saying he loves his dad more is!) and you should be telling him off for this and not rewarding him with Lego.

@Needingadvice05
You could build up a collection of Lego or second hand kits to distract him with rather than having to keep buying new ones. You might find Lego themed reward charts or ideas online.
Another idea would be to buy a Worry monster and have some printed statements to post into its mouth ( things he’s upset or worried about)

https://www.tes.com/teaching-resource/5-point-scale-emotions-check-in-12075113

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sambro-6874-Movie-Reward-Colour/dp/B07KK412Y5/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?adgrpid=185963542786&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.wgqjDCcyAXUpwNXQ3JJAk3L_7JKjnyIJdMcouSxwqYPMoy1BrhIKIihUPVfwwUPRSWY3W99gScllCxai77S0B5-xBGrBkxmMEZ0QUMrTrGtNTiMVB25B6oHKkwop4s8ql55rh88ke4MRnvuUlGhF3bWgb_H4s2KR3E_J1_BBtUzjWmLYVIF0ngSMPwBZbyckSpu42rTbA6PnZuXzQ10uzg.rvWIdrp3u0clUVdweHB3M-lFRuJ-SWwaqOnCVcJ4MD8&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=779272646131&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=9195089&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=7983849400288136323--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=7983849400288136323&hvtargid=kwd-316105088771&hydadcr=21178_2251805_374236&keywords=lego+reward+chart&mcid=a7418669f6bb3b399360a5f2160c5c1c&qid=1762527438&sr=8-2

Oh this is so good @24Dogcuddler thankyou! These are great ideas 🙏

@XelaM yes I know what you mean.. it's hard to know sometimes if it's genuine emotion or bad behaviour.. can I correct him for saying 'I want daddy' constantly?? Or should I just let him?? If it were just a few times in a night that would be one thing but it's ALL the time.. thankyou for your replies and suggestions.. I'm very grateful 🙏

Ask a professional this, not a load of randoms
on the internet. It’s too nuanced a situation to trust in people who could be giving you any old shit advice, it could turn out to be really harmful.

Get a family therapist, asap.

Have you tried empathising with him? For example I see you are feeling really sad right now and you miss daddy. I don't think this is behaviour to correct, he is expressing his feelings. He needs you to help him regulate. Agree it is not usual for a child to cry for that long and you may need some professional input.

A 7-year-old is perfectly capable of understanding that telling his mum repeatedly that he prefers dad is very hurtful and IS bad behaviour that should be corrected imo.

Same with crying inconsolably unless he gets Lego or his own way, but sounds like he does it at dad's too.

Maybe get him an emotional support pet? Then he might prefer your house

7 year olds aren't responsible for their parents feelings. Absolutely don't give in to stop the crying but acknowledging the feelings isn't the same as giving someone their own way. As above using an emotion scale might help if you start using the language of emotions he might be able to use that rather than saying he likes Daddy better. I don't think you need to compete with Dad's house. Children can prefer one parent over another. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Keep showing your love and setting appropriate boundaries no matter what he says.

Children can prefer one parent over another.

I've always preferred my dad over my mum, but it's not something you tell that parent out loud over and over! That's bloody horrible and shows he has no empathy or regard whatsoever for his mum's feelings. It's not just expressing emotions. It's rude and very mean to keep saying it to the mother.

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

Thankyou @HelloGreen I'm in the process of finding a therapist for him but it's taking a while as the ones I've found don't have any availability at the moment.

@LittlebittiredoflifeI do empathise with him and will keep doing so but don't really feel like it seems to be enough?

@Littlebittiredoflife thankyou for your comment and suggestions, I'll continue to empathise while trying to seek professional support and therapy for him. I know how hard for him it must be not to have his dad when he wants and to miss him so much. I just wish I could fix it for him..

Are you able to talk to him about understanding how difficult it must be for him that things have changed and he has to live in different places?

at this age, it’s less about what they say and more about what their behaviour is showing. He may be disregulated by chasing homes so often, and pining for his dad as part of the difficulty transitioning. The comparing the two parenting styles is similar- he’s highlighting an unpredictable emotional environment.

is there anything you can do to help him settle in the new situation, like having safety items (like a toy) that goes back and forth, or trying to have the same bedding etc in each home?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is using the language and identifying the feeling behind what is being said may help the emotion to be expressed and he will learn to express the emotions rather than saying that.

Oh he really sounds like he is struggling at the moment. No I would not correct him for telling you he wants daddy. He’s telling you how he feels and that’s a good thing. I’d just empathise. It’s hard when things are different in different houses.

Maybe you could have a little ritual when he gets back from his Dad’s. Like a special hot chocolate with marshmallows or a special tv show that you always watch together. That would give you some connection time. Also having something visual on the wall so he can see where he is on what days.

Does it not feel like enough because it keeps happening? I think sometimes being a parent is hard, it's not that your are doing anything wrong, it just is bloody hard and you can be doing everything you possibly can but kids are still kids and don't have our developed brains. It's not like we are programming robots where input equals output. It sounds like you are both having a hard time and I hope you can be gentle on yourself as well as your son.

Are you and his dad amicable? When he says he wants his dad can you ring him or FaceTime him so they can speak? Does he cry for you when he’s with his dad?

If you can access play therapy for him it might be very beneficial. He’s 7 and obviously finding his life very challenging at the moment.

When he is melting down, are you with him, or does he go to his room?
He is angry as well as sad and it sounds as though he really wants you to know this. He needs to keep telling you - and this might be just because he feels it so deeply, it might be to punish you (subconsciously, I’m not suggesting he is trying to punish you deliberately), or it might be because he doesn’t feel heard.
It might help to reassure him that he IS heard by reflectively listening. It feels weird but it does work “you’re very upset. You want daddy. You’re sad and cross because you’re not with him. You’re angry that we don’t all live together anymore”. It’s ok to speculate- if you’re wrong, he’ll let you know.
It also sounds as though his distress becomes unbearable for you after a while, which is completely understandable but he is clearly resistant to your attempts to get him to stop.
Can you say “you can cry for as long as you like. I’m going to go and make dinner/read my book etc but I’m just close by if you need me….” It may end sooner if you let it run its course but just take the audience out of his direct line of sight (as long as he’s safe).
It is hard to stay calm when our children are distraught, especially if we feel guilt, but it doesn’t seem as though his upset is going to lessen until he feels it has been seen and accepted.

Clean routine with him involved. For example: do a rough plan:
Monday: snack and drink on way home from school. Straight to the park. Stay at park until 4.30 (play park, ducks, short walk taking about day at school). Home. Jacket potatoes for tea. Lego out for after tea play. 1 hour TV. Bath. Bed with story.
Tuesday - dad.
wednesday - home. Snack. 1 hour TV. Sandwich and crisps for tea. Talk about school day. Homework at table/computer. Make/ draw/paint Christmas cards and discuss who to send them to.
Thursday - do whatever you want. Binge TV, I’m cooking dinner. You can help if you want. We’re both clearing away though!
Friday - club, home, bath, TV night with
popcorn, let’s watch ghostbusters/ transformers/ strictly/ whatever you want to watch, we’ll alternate between your choice and mine, find out some good stuff from your friends.

etc etc. draw up a rough schedule. Break things into 1 hour (or less) segments. Share with him, what does he want for tea ( within reason), when will we do homework? Put up the schedule. Refer to it. “Oh well I know you’re sad but it’s film night tonight.”

Whatever it is, if he knows the schedule and so do you, and it’s pretty regular you’ll soon get into the groove. Then you can relax it a bit more. Combine stuff you
have to do, stuff he has to do, things you
both like and stuff he likes/ you like. Share it all with him. Explain why you need to do these things.

And the constant comment is: “I know, I get it, but you’re here now, let’s enjoy our time together” “it makes me sad when you say that, because I love our
time together, but nevermind” “well I love spending time with you” “(eyeroll) yeah yeah yeah. If you carry on like that I’m just going to have to tickle you and snuggle you until you stop”.

My nephew went through this for a bit, and he was quite hard to be around. You know it’s an adult voice saying these things but
it nearly broke my sister. Now he much prefers being with mum as there are no strings attached.

Good luck. You’ve got this. And he does love you. Xx

And if you’re thinking: well that won’t work because he’ll have a meltdown.

Share the routine. Have definites for you. You’ve gone to the park on Monday and spent extra time there and had an ice cream but on Friday he’s not doing film night he wants to play Lego. Hmm. Strangely all the Lego has gone (it’s hidden in your car)! Yeah. It’s sad. You’ll be watching a film anyway ( with headphones on if necessary). It’s a shame. Because you’ve done what he wanted, and toy are going to do what you want m, and it’s a shame that he doesn’t want that too. But nevermind. Off to bed. Maybe next week.

Is your child neuro-typical op? It’s unusual for a 7 year old to have tantrums. It must be so stressful for you to experience that everyday. Please don’t worry about occasional shouting as I think most people would under that kind of stress.

That sounds like such a difficult set of circumstances to manage, op. I also have a nearly 7 year old boy and I’m separated from his dad and I’ve had periods like this where ds has asked to be with him. It broke my heart and I tended to spoil him more in order to sort of win over his favour. I also felt awful whenever I had to put boundaries in place or do proper parenting (which his disney dad doesn’t do). I found that I needed to continue parenting ds and not think of his dad as it’s what ds needed. I tried to stick to little routines in his day which he enjoyed and gave him something to look forward to with me…basically having little bits of quality time every day.

Thankyou so much everyone for your thoughtful replies this is all really helpful 🙏 and all great suggestions..

@Ghhtwe have a actually decided to get him assessed for neurodivergence. He definitely has trouble regulating him emotions and very low frustration tolerance..

His dad and I divorced 4 years ago so the separation isn't new which is why it's so strange this is suddenly happening. He told me off the other day because I don't let him get his emotions out.. I feel like I do and I sit with him while he cries and give him empathy to let him know that by being next to him through this these emotions are ok and will pass ... but I have to admit that after hours of it I lose my patience.. 😔

@Fluffyowl00thankyou to so much for all your advice.. is this routine what your sister did with your nephew?

@Dagdai told him this morning before he left that when he gets back from dads we'll have hot chocolate with marshmallows and a movie ❤️

@TheGriffle his dad and I are amicable yes.. we FaceTime his dad a lot.. his dad says he asks for me too sometimes but I'm sure it's not as much..😅

I'm also going to get him a build- a- bear and record his dads voice into it so he can cuddle it and listen to him when he wants 🙏🙏