Toddler and baby - advice, please!

[Twosweetpeas]

Long story short: how did you handle the terrible twos while caring for a baby? This is... HARD!!!

DS is just over two and a half and DD is eight months. All relatively smooth... Until lately.

We potty trained over what felt forever. He was so proud of his big boy pants, he was proud of going on the potty and would be dry every single night with very few insidents during the day.

He took to his sister so well too! He's protective and thinks of very simple games they can play together.

But several things have been a struggle lately. Going to the potty has become a struggle. He refuses going during the day and will either go when forced to or will just have an incident. Since yesterday he will refuse the potty altogether. He has now gone to having an incident every single night. Apart from that, eating is a struggle. Swapping the stroller for walking or the buggy board is a struggle. He picked up the habit of hitting other kids since before DD was born and that has been a huge struggle! Luckily I found the book 'What to do when you feel like hitting' and that's mostly gone now but I still pour immense amounts of energy monitoring him at playgrounds and reminding him of gentle hands while he plays around others. All while carrying my little one in a baby carrier.

We solicited the grandparents' help and left both kiddos with them for a day a couple of times now so we get a bit of rest. That has backfired because both become super clingy afterwards. I wonder if it worth it? I feel like I'm failing every single day. I also feel like I'm not giving either the attention they need.

This morning I relented and put him in diaper pants again just because I wanted a moment of peace. I relent putting on a cartoon. I relent giving my son sweets when he asks for them. My willpower is near zero. Between the two I feel so exhausted right now. So much so that I'm regretting the small age gap. I'm really hoping they will be close going forward.

So... From a very exhausted mom... Just advice, please. And perspective. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there a tunnel? Have I missed it?

Thank you so much!

Oh I feel you! This was me. Hitty toddler, small age gap, all fine until the baby started moving and ruining games and toys, and toddler didn't want to go off with anyone (although we only have people around a few times a year so that might have been a factor). The good news is that mine are now 4.5 and 2.5 and get on absolutely fine, often solve their own disagreements, wait to take turns etc and the hitting has stopped and doesn't need me literally between them to try and intercept (and even then I'd miss the odd hit and lose my rag).
It sounds like he's done really well with the potty training so far. Do keep going. Just throw the ball back in his court. Find something he wants to do (doesn't matter what, take his bike out, go to the park or soft play, do baking, have an afternoon bath) and then casually say "ok great, can't wait to do that with you. Once you've had a wee on the potty we can go! Potty is over there when you're ready". And then back off. The activity must not happen until he has a wee on the potty (you can help him once he's keen to go over, or remind casually that once he's had a wee we'll go out) so don't use something like getting a click and collect that you have to go out for at a set time. Sounds like he's feeling rattled at the lack of control and this might help. Or it might not, but either way, I promise it gets easier. It just doesn't feel like it will.

Will try this this afternoon! He loves going swimming so I've suggested we go. We tried this same strategy before going out on a walk today but he just cried at the door. That's when I capitulated. I am going in with renewed energy and will present it with lots and lots of vigor and enthusiasm! Maybe that's what was missing. Plus his most favourite activity!

Thank you for sharing about the hitting - this was such a sore spot for me, like how come my happy, very social baby suddenly started hitting? My husband suspects something happened at nursery because he picked him up and he was unusually timid a couple of days in a row when transitioning to the older group and with other carers. He'd normally be very joyful. And the hitting started. And it persisted soooooooo long. Hoping to dodge that with DD but I feel a little more prepared now having read a ton on the topic already.

Thank you so, so much!!

My son got hitty after a bad virus. He may well have done anyway, but I think feeling crap and frustrated meant this was the fastest way to express his feelings and unfortunately it then continued after he was well. I'd say I had a good year of needing to be within 60cm of him when he was within range of other people. Soft play with baby in a carrier was harrrrrrrd. But we kept modelling what to do instead when he started to feel anxious or uncomfortable or like hitting (started off with "mummy help" and I would swoop in regardless of how minor it seemed and progressed to directly telling the other child "no stop + explanation") and he's very good now. So far my daughter hasn't gone through it but I wouldn't be surprised if she did as my son was a dream until then! Good luck! Hope swimming is motivating!! X