Step child ruining routine!

[KMWMK]

This may be a bit of a long one so sorry in advance…

I have 3 girls ages 10, 8 and 5. My partner has taken the role of dad and he is amazing. Around 2 years ago his DD (age 11) got in touch and wanted contact after not seeing her dad for almost 2 years. This is due to his ex being toxic and turned her against him. She started coming every other weekend, then every weekend and now it’s 4 days a week. I love that my girls have gained a sister and they all get along great… or so we thought.
When she goes home to her mum, we are getting constant abusive texts, my girls have hit her, shouted at her, threw a shoe at her… This really surprised me as they all get on great! My girls swear blind she is lying and I honestly think she is making up lies to her mum! Her mum has called my girls all the names under the sun, I’m so angry as who in the right mind would call a child the C word and some of the things she’s said is absolutely disgusting. We have told her if there are any problems whilst she is in our home to speak to us and we will sort it there and then.

So fast forward a few weeks, she is staying over 3 nights during the week and once on a weekend now and this is really getting me down. None of them sleep on these nights, they are trashing their room, their routine is out the window when she’s here because it is so chaotic! I am at my wits end to the point I want to end my relationship. I feel like having an extra child (along with my 3 girls) is weighing me down. The mix of work, school runs, cleaning constantly as all they do is make a mess when she’s is here, she helps herself to food in the night and it’s become too much for me. It is disturbing not only mine but my girls routine. I cannot cope anymore. Things were great when she came on weekends and now I feel like she is here all the time. I am starting to resent her being here all the time and then wondering what abusive texts we will receive when she goes home. I don’t trust her to tell the truth and her mum is not approachable at all, she is a very nasty woman. For example me and me partner went on a break to the Lakes for 3 nights which is something we have only done once due to having the children and because we didn’t take their child she threatened to stop access and burn our house down! Obviously we got the police involved and that was that. I have asked that me and my partner have one night in a hotel for a break as I’m at the end of my tether, my girls will go to my mums but the ex won’t allow us to have her an extra night the week after so we can have a Saturday night to ourselves, she said she will be dropping her off weather we are in or not! So our plans are ruined.
My partner is not supportive in this at all as he wants to see his daughter as much as possible but I need a break! I can’t go another school night with her here, it is making me miserable.
And to top it off he pays £400 a month maintenance when we have her more than her mum and is still expected to pay for everything such as uniforms, school trips, now it’s a £80 coat! She is constantly texting him asking for money for their child. Sorry for the long post, I’m just finding this so hard, if anyone has any advice on school nights or thinks I’m in the right/wrong please tell me because I feel guilty, a feel a failure and I feel pi**ed off that I’ve gained an extra child 4 nights a week!

I think you need to separate out her mums behaviour from the child behaviour.

What is it about her being in your home that means all your routines go to shit? How are your kids trashing the house when she’s there when they presumably don’t do that when she isn’t? Are they taking permission from her to behave unusually? What are you and DH doing about discipline of all the kids when they’re acting up? Sometimes one extra child does just too things over - you can manage with 3 but add in another 1 and it becomes overwhelming. Easier said than done but you and your DH need to set some clear ground rules with immediate consequences for all the kids that apply whether she is there or not.

In terms of wider contact, I’d get a contact agreement in place, of course you need some weekend time to be able to go away. In the meantime I’d book myself a hotel for the night on my own and let DH deal with the kids while you get some rest.

Unfortunately you have a dp problem, you havent really said what hes doing to help?

You need a contact agreement, and to agree on child maintenance at court. If your husband is unwilling then he needs to stop showing you the abusive messages and deal with his own child.

I know on mumsnet no one is allowed to like their stepchild or do anything for them, but you either need to have a chat with her about what would make her feel more welcome, or step away from anything to do with her.

I'd stop her coming. DP can take her out somewhere for contact. If she's being abused by your girls, they need to be separated for her wellbeing and if she's making up lies, you need to protect yourself and her stepsiblings from false accusations. Either way, she wouldn't be coming to the house anymore.

You should definitely separate.
Your step daughter can then spend every weekend with just her father which is what she needs. She cannot handle being with your daughters. And it's absolutely terrible for them too.
You can still see your partner if you want to but not when his daughter is there.

How long have you been together?

Perhaps it would be better to separate for now, so you can parent your children, and he can parent his child.

What exactly happens that causes all that mess and chaos? Are your kids playing up when she's there? Why?

How could one child cause so much chaos? I have a 12 year old and she just hangs out in her room and goes to activities and does homework in the evenings. Is your partner not actually doing any parenting?

To answer your question though, it sounds like yes the best thing is probably for you both to focus on your children right now. Sure, keep dating if you want, but live separately. Let him heal his relationship with his dd. You focus on yours. He can then be in charge of dealing with his own finances.

Whatever people say on here ( and they hate step mums) step kids that turn up every other weekend do disrupt the flow of the home. Nothing feels the same, everything feels more tense, everyone is on edge as. NO one is very comfy. I used to dread the weekends they were here, it’s a bit better now, but the rest of the house ( including their dad) is so much more chill when they aren’t here! I feel you @KMWMKyou need to talk to your husband about how to manage this situation better and defo don’t take shit from her mother!

What exactly is your DP doing to stop her visits descending into chaos?

She can't stop her DP's daughter from coming to his own house FFS. She can move out with her 3 kids and live separately but that's the only power she has and should have around how much time he spends with his own child. Fuck sake.

This is the problem with blending families. The kids lose out. People with children should probably just live separately if they can't manage the blend properly

Agree. I’d never do it again. I’m too far in now and as they get older , there is an end in sight.

I don't understand how one girl sleeping in the house is causing chaos and for the 3 others not to sleep?

Also why is it fine for him to parent your children that aren't his, but not his own?

Non of this is sc fault?
you don’t know she’s lying. it sounds like her mum is insane so maybe cut the kid some slack, it might be that things are misinterpreted or she’s pushed to confess things by what sounds like a very angry and unstable woman who blows it out of proportion
DP chose this woman as the mother of his child, then left that child with this awful woman for years. perhaps instead of being annoyed you should feel sorry for DSD

sc is also not ruining your plans, dh had a child, that child needs some where to live, it’s not their fault you can’t find childcare for them.

and it’s not sc fault you and dh are not parenting and controlling your 4 children and stopping them from staying up all night and trashing the house.

I do understand how insanely stressful so many abusive messages would be but that’s a different issue.
what if your dd were behaving the same way when dsd wasn’t there? What would you do? Do that.

What was your do thinking moving in with someone with 3 kids similar in age to his own child he was estranged from- hmm. I think I know.
I agree with others. Live separately and date if you must but keep kids separate.

You could just date your boyfriend, live separately and don't get involved with domestic drudgery.
His child must feel really hurt that her father chooses to live with unrelated kids full time. His focus needs to be on parenting her.
It doesn't benefit your kids to be made to share their home with the man and his kid, and be called names by his ex.

It sounds like a few different issues are at play here.

In terms of her lying or telling tales, it sounds like she struggling in some way. Maybe she resents that her step siblings live with her dad full time, feels disloyal to her mum so uses complaining as a way to minimise how much she enjoys being away from her, or maybe she's just (very understandably) struggling with being estranged from her dad for a couple of years. Has your DH arranged therapy for this? Regardless of the reasons, being abandoned by a parent can be damaging and lead to all kinds of poor behaviour in children/teens who are still learning about how to healthily manage their emotions.

In terms of routines, what exactly changes? Surely you can continue with the same boundaries for your own children, even when their step sister is with you? If you really can't, you might need to consider living apart from your partner.

When it comes to a 'night off', that's not your step daughter's mum's responsibility. Your DH is responsible for his child during his contact time and needs to find childcare if he wants to do something with you (just like you do by asking your mum to babysit).

Also if your stepdaughter is 11 now and contact was resumed 2 years ago (when she was 9) after 2 years of him not seeing her because his ex turned a 6/7 year old against him, sorry, no, I don’t buy that story. I have a 7 year old. No way he wouldn’t want to see his dad who he loved and who had been a present caring parent in his life up til that point. It may very well be that his ex is a nut job and stopped contact. But no parent who loved their child and was a decent human being would just be like, oh well! And not fight to have contact. I don’t buy these porkies and I think this all probably goes a long way to explaining the behaviour you might be experiencing (from your stepdaughter and your partner).

You should get away yourself for a break, either go to your mum's with your kids, or find a friend to go away with for a night which she has them. Then your DP can spend some dad time alone with his daughter. Perhaps she is acting up because she wants to spend time with her dad, and there are always lots of other people around. Even if that's not what she knows she wants, it should be good for their relationship!

Can you not make clear that when DSD is in your house, she must abide by your rules and routines? Why is your DP allowing her to be so disruptive?