I spoil my child and I need help to stop!

[OrigamiAnimal]

I have 3 kids, the youngest of whom has just turned 4. My older two are lovely, easy going, introverted and generally quite easy to parent.

My youngest is headstrong and outgoing, absolutely full of energy. She's like a tornado when she enters a room.

Unfortunately in her short life she's had some fairly significant trauma that no child should experience (illegal acts whilst in the presence of someone we trusted implicitly). I feel enormous guilt and shame that she went through this.

This is on top of a background where she was a 'surprise' baby that I didn't particularly want to have and I almost went through with a termination. I then had seriously poor peri and post natal mental health and still take SSRIs.

A combination of her personality, her traumatic experiences, my guilt and shame, plus the fact she is the youngest of 3 and I'm pretty fatigued with life/work etc means she is so, so spoiled. I let her away with murder. For example, she doesn't eat anything but snacks, she's demanding and rude and lacks boundaries. She has pretty much anything she wants when she wants to stop her being upset/whining.

I love her so, so much and I know I am doing her a disservice by doing such a half-assed job of parenting her. I need some help or a kick up the bum. Has anyone got any experience of parenting a strong will child, and parenting a child after trauma when you feel crushing guilt?

Please don't be too harsh, I feel raw and I just want some help.

You need to tolerate her being upset and wining but totally ignore it. She knows she'll get her way by behaving badly.

Only reward good behaviour. Not just normal behaviour either. So don't bribe her to stop tantruming. Just roll your eyes and turn away and start talking about something else, to someone else.

If she wants something set up a chart with chores or good behaviour traits and say she needs so many stickers to get the small toy or whatever. And stickers taken off if she tantrums.
It might be hard at first but otherwise it will only get worse.

Thanks for your reply. You are right.

When I hear her crying or upset it transports me right back to her crying when she was in the traumatic situation. I can't physically bear it, but that's my issue - not hers.

I have a magnetic reward chart somewhere, I'll dig that out. She's very smart and will quickly catch on but we will need to stick with it.

I'd say, pick one thing that needs to change and work on holding the boundaries with that first. What is causing most problems. Pick that! Then work on the next thing.

Always explain first. Eg, from tomorrow you will only have one snack each day. You can choose between X and y when you get home from nursery. Then we are all going to sit at the table and have a proper meal. Make sure the first few meals are things you know she will eat. Don't stress, if she kicks off or refuses to sit at the table, Just say, that's fine but there isn't anything else to eat tonight then focus on your other children. Maybe have something that is easy to reheat when she finally realises you aren't giving in. Be prepared for a huge amount of fuss for a few days. Just be determined to keep calm and not give in.

Op are you getting therapy for you both / anyone else affected? I think you need help to work through your own feelings

Please don't be too hard on yourself. This is all totally understandable from what you're saying about the traumatic experience you've both been through. Also, she's 4, it is normal that she is demanding, and even rude and lacking boundaries. If she is acting out then she is communicating a need, but it may not be what she says it is, you may need to look deeper. Is she getting enough sleep? Is she getting quality time with you? Is she feeling loved and supported unconditionally?
I would say focus on your relationship with her and making sure her true needs are being met and lots of cuddles and patience, don't worry about the details or the "shoulds and shouldn'ts" of parenting, just give her what she really needs and be there, which I am sure you are doing already.

I can relate to some of this. My son almost died last year followed by a hospital stay which turned everything upside down and threw so many rules out of the window.

I was so grateful that he survived that he certainly got spoiled for the first while but we obviously had to rein in it.

First of all, give yourself some grace. It’s easy on the outside looking in when you may not have been through the trauma yourself to say ‘just say no”, ‘just be more firm’ etc but it’s something that will take time and that you can do gradually, it doesn’t have to be all at once. Do it gradually.

I’d also try and get some talking therapy because whilst your daughter has been through something traumatic, it’s also traumatic for you and this is your way of dealing with that trauma.

Gentle hugs xx

Thank you all. It is appreciated.

I've been to therapy on and off but I don't feel ready to go quite yet. The perpetrator has not yet been convicted and sentenced. We've done all of the statements and social work appointments etc and we're in the long waiting point to get into court. I think once that has happened I can possibly revisit some therapy and find some closure.

One thing at a time is great advice. I think I overwhelm myself by thinking it's all too much, don't know where to start etc.

@Kirbert2 that sounds so scary. I hope your son is well now.

I’m so sorry that your child has gone through trauma, that’s terribly sad for you both. I know you’re not fully ready for the therapy but I think in order to correct this situation it’s important you see it through. It will be tough, but you need to work through your feelings so you can come out the other side being the mum you want to be. I’m not criticising you as a mum at all, you’re doing your absolute best. But it’s time to heal so you can work on improving her behaviour. There’s an emotional barrier that’s preventing that from happening at the moment.
One thing you mentioned that stands out, is that her crying triggers you and brings you back to the trauma. That is an issue because it shows your own emotions are not regulated, very understandably too because it was traumatic for you also. But it’s impossible to regulate a small child’s emotions when our own emotions aren’t regulated. And at this age, their emotions mostly feed from us. Find ways to try regulate your own emotions so that you can handle the upset she will initially show during the process of setting some healthier boundaries for her. I promise you, once you can do that, life will become so much easier. The meltdowns from her will reduce massively and the resistance to changes and boundaries will become less emotive.
It must be so incredibly difficult for you, I really do empathise. Raising a strong willed small child is hard enough without the horrendous history that’s involved too. The longer the behaviour goes on, the harder it will be to correct.
Another thing I recommend is working on building a really strong connection with her. I don’t know whether that’s an issue for you at the moment, I know being tired makes it difficult plus you’ve got the emotional barriers in the way too. But if that’s an area that needs some attention, then that is important too. It will also help reduce some resistance during the process of making changes that she won’t initially be happy with. Inner calm and deep connection really do help diffuse tense situations with the little ones.
Hope things improve for you soon. You clearly love and care for your daughter so much and what happened wasn’t your fault x