How to stop relying on dm for childcare

[Nightmarem88]

My mum is be difficult and always has been. I recently split from my ex who no longer is involved with our child. As a result I've had to rely more on my mum for childcare and this is fast proving to not be sustainable. At the time when this happened our relationship had improved and she was consistently respecting my boundaries but now I actually need her for something she's become utterly toxic again and now I don't know what to do. I've just changed jobs from one where I needed to work nights a lot to one requiring the odd evening or weekend but mainly during nursery hours, but the nature of the field I work in means there is a requirement for flexible working and I've worked my way to a good salary which is important as a lone parent. If I changed sector to a 9-5 I'd be taking a paycut that I couldn't afford to start lower elsewhere.

I just don't know what else to do now so I can cut her out completely. What do others do in this situation when you need evening/ weekend childcare and have no family to help?

You can find a nanny or babysitter who is able to work weekends or evenings, but trying to find one who can do that on very little notice is going to be tough. Do you know in advance when you will need to work evenings/weekends?
Maybe you don't have to say yes every time it comes up?
If you're asking where you can look for a nanny or babysitter, I would start by enquiring at the nursery if anyone there wants extra hours, or by contacting an agency. Maybe you could find a local student? I used to ask around friends to see if they knew anyone, or advertise myself, in local shop windows ( pre social media days). You just have to make sure you get references and then follow them up.

I think you need to be really pragmatic and figure out a long term solution. Because working with a child in year round nursery is easy. Working with a child in school is considerably less so.

It’s not even a matter of not getting along with your mum. She could for various reasons suddenly no longer be able to provide childcare. I think it’s a matter of figuring out if the added income is enough to buy in childcare in the evenings and weekends. And also what you will do when your child starts school. Will it also cover breakfast or after school club and holiday club? Or is it better value for money looking for a job that allows more flexibility even on a lower salary so you don’t have such high costs?

Sometimes it pays to advertise on education course notice boards eg pgce courses.

Play the long game and work towards being able to take a paycut with a standard 9 to 5pm job. Take each training opportunity you can to build your CV and get yourself in a better place financially - pay off phones and items bought on credit, pay debt off and pare down monthly outgoings. It's tricky OP but everything is a trade off and you'll have to pay more in childcare, continue to use your mum or take a paycut to a less demanding role. Being at someone's mercy for the next decade is not worth the extra money.

"working with a child in year round nursery is easy. Working with a child in school is considerably less so."
This is my biggest worry what happens when they are too old for nursery and how I balance that.

This new job does have some options for me to work from home which helps a bit and I can do flexi hours. But it's also important that I'm actually working when I'm at home.

Where I live at the moment we get no real help towards childcare costs apart from me getting a bit of uc for childcare costs so if dc left nursery I'd probably still be paying similar to what I'm paying now in terms of wrap around care or holidays once school starts.

I've no debt, I've paid my phone off and I'm saving as much as I can. My main outgoings are accommodation costs, food and childcare. I'm aiming to get a mortgage when our old house sells (cheaper overall than renting each month) so I can't take a pay cut until that's in place and I know what I'm working with.

It sounds like you're doing what you can then so keep the eyes on the prize and the chin up. You're doing really great and you WILL get there making it all worth it.