One child outshining the other

[Anonandonandonandon]

I have two wonderful DDs, 11 and 9. They are similar in many of ways (outgoing and confident) but also have different strengths.

The challenge for me as a parent is that while both have an enormous passion for performing arts, one hugely outshines the other.

DD2 has lots of great roles under her belt in local productions and has been approached by several agencies (we will not pursue professional work in childhood, but nice for her nonetheless). DD1 is a lovely character actor, but almost every opportunity requires singing, which is not her strength at all.

After some tears, DD1 picks herself up from every show she doesn’t get into (anything that doesn’t have a large ensemble) and keeps smiling while we’re ferrying DD2 around to the rehearsals and performances. She congratulates her sister on her successes, even when DD2 has got the role DD1 really coveted (however unrealistically), and which DD1 didn’t even go for in the auditions.

I steer her as much as I can, kindly (“I really liked hearing your song, but I found this monologue that I think you’d be amazing at and I’d love to hear you try it…”). We’ve tried a multitude of other hobbies (only gymnastics has stuck, where she’s of a similar average ability to DD2) and of course, we celebrate her successes and other talents. She’s really clever, particularly with logic, and I’m sure she’ll do great things. She’ll almost certainly have it easier than DD2 in the longrun.

For now though, the playground buzz is all about who’s playing the lead in the play, and not about who got the highest score in the maths test.

DD1 absolutely will not give up trying, and that’s a fantastic quality. She’s the most resilient person I know. It doesn’t make the initial tears any easier though, for us as parents, or for DD2 who has to temper her excitement at every success (bless her, she’s very good at this). It just all feels so inevitable, and it’s heartbreaking.

Any thoughts on handling this?

Oh, don’t worry, I know! I’m not sure whether to divert, and if so how, without crushing her spirit.

Maybe I shouldn’t. This might be a me problem.

Drama only seems to be a 1 hour a week sort of thing round here (South East city) until they are a little older.

Is your DD1 at secondary now? If so, I recommend Debate club especially if she is clever. By Year 9, it will all be about GCSEs anyway when you may end up with the opposite issues with your two DDs. Also, if your DD1 did not have singing lessons, she is obviously at a disadvantage to her sister. You may have to first work on aural training primarily as that is the foundation of all music, including aural memory. Drums will help her with rhythm.

But this is clearly the difference between the two? To say one has a natural ability would only stand up if neither had tuition. Do you see what I mean? I was going to suggest LAMDA also, so your eldest can beat their own path.

Obviously singing lessons have improved OP's DD2's singing, but if I understand correctly, DD2 started out able to carry a tune. DD1 can't. That's a very different starting place, and a pretty difficult one. Many even moderately musical children are singing in tune from toddlerhood (familiar nursery rhymes and the like, so not exactly musically demanding repertoire in most cases, but in tune).

@Anonandonandonandon , is there any chance of travelling further afield even once a week for a drama-focused class, so DD1 can have that space to focus on the aspects she is good at?

Speaking as someone who couldn't sing a note as a child and still can't sing a note now - it's incredibly annoying that so much kids' drama outside school is focused on musicals.

Is your eldest at secondary school yet? It's possible she might come into her own at a school drama club where there's more actual acting than singing and dancing. At the very least, the drama teacher there might know of non-musical theatre opportunities outside school.

What else does she enjoy? Or is it exclusively performing?

Debating, then point her at the Bar.

My dds both enjoyed drama (dd2 more so) at that age but it dropped off in secondary - i think really because they knew they weren't good at singing. I can't sing myself so hardly surprising.

I think the thing is for your eldest to find something separate that she can enjoy and do well at if possible, is the best way forward.

DD2 could always sing nicely, now she can sing Defying Gravity. The progession has been good to great. DD1 is not starting at good, unfortunately!

Yes, it’s possible. I’m struggling to find one that will take her at 11 though (primary age). There are so many schools covering her age group, but they are all 3 disciplines as standard. She already attends one of those, plus an amateur dramatics group which does all sorts for adults, but musicals only for under 16s. Her likely secondary is great for performing arts, but they cast mini musicals in the very first term 😕

We’ve tried ballet, athletics (DD1 was actually really good, but didn’t enjoy it), swimming and DH has tried to interest her in piano (he’s very accomplished).

If she keeps going with gym, there are acrobatics opportunities with a big annual show that is very popular locally and has an audience of 2000 people (8000 over 4 showings). I’m hoping that might be an option for her, but it’s probably 2 years away.

That is tricky.

You've said a couple of times that anything more drama and less music isn't available for younger children - so older dd will be able to join this sort of thing 2 years before younger dd? Might be able to make it her own in a couple of years?

The situation now won't last forever.

Now this is familiar territory 😉If she were a future lawyer I’d know what I was doing! She’s a budding scientist, engineer, medic…anything STEM. Same as DH, and in fact most of the people I work with, so work experience is sorted!

Yes, that’s true. Useful perspective. I have no doubt she will be brilliant at whatever eventually catches her interest. I just want to maintain her enthusiasm and determination in the interim!

It's a shame there are no youth theatre groups near you. We ferried my dd 40 minutes drive away to go to a very good youth theatre group that she loved - she wasn't a singer either. It's such a valuable experience. She went to the Edinburgh fringe with them one year. I'd keep looking for a good drama group op and maybe cast your net a bit wider.

She sounds lovely OP x

I also have two dds. One is at a good uni and the other got straight Us for her mock GCSEs. I can't shield them from reality, but I have made sure since they were small to make sure that academic achievement is only one of the many attributes that gets valued in this house. I don't know what else you can do really.

Have you looked into choral speaking and improv groups for her? Southeast England has big circuits but I don't know about elsewhere in the country

Just a thought but she might get much more out of an instrument she can play in a group setting which will open up a whole new musical world. I played a stringed instrument as a child & whilst I hated playing solo (in public - too nervous & didn't feel good enough) I absolutely loved playing in an orchestra & string group. It was a fantastic feeling knowing you were a small but important part of something much bigger that sounded amazing as a group (without the individual spotlight & pressure). It was also super sociable with loads of trips to other schools/regions, competitions & also weekend practice trips with outdoor pursuits thrown in between music practice sessions. It might move her away from the singing & give her chance to shine at something of her own with a crowd of her own too. Best of luck!

Mane a little less focus on brilliance might be helpful for all concerned?

OP, I was quite clever as a child and was under a fair amount of pressure to succeed academically - reflected glory on my parents and all that. Mediocre since though 😂.

One thing I've tried to remember and instill in my children is that they're not performing ponies. While most things that are worthwhile in life require sustained effort, they don't have to justify their lives through attaining a certain level of achievement. It is enough that they enjoy an activity and benefit from it. Of course it's nice to be praised, but we don't always have to be recognised by others for our efforts to be worthwhile.

You sound like a lovely parent but it might be worth reiterating to your DD that actually she doesn't have to be brilliant so long as she's having fun.

Ha! My mantra with all things extra curricular is “if you’re not having fun, don’t do it.” The girls quote me regularly and know it comes from my experience of a sport I excelled at but hated. I go out of my way to avoid pressure.

…and if you knew how lax I am about line learning, along with spellings / reading etc. you’d probably take the opposite position!

She’s reaching the age where soon enough you won’t need to say anything anyway.

The club teachers will say something or their actions will tell her ie she’s never selected for solo parts etc

And then of course the feedback from peers