One child outshining the other

[Anonandonandonandon]

I have two wonderful DDs, 11 and 9. They are similar in many of ways (outgoing and confident) but also have different strengths.

The challenge for me as a parent is that while both have an enormous passion for performing arts, one hugely outshines the other.

DD2 has lots of great roles under her belt in local productions and has been approached by several agencies (we will not pursue professional work in childhood, but nice for her nonetheless). DD1 is a lovely character actor, but almost every opportunity requires singing, which is not her strength at all.

After some tears, DD1 picks herself up from every show she doesn’t get into (anything that doesn’t have a large ensemble) and keeps smiling while we’re ferrying DD2 around to the rehearsals and performances. She congratulates her sister on her successes, even when DD2 has got the role DD1 really coveted (however unrealistically), and which DD1 didn’t even go for in the auditions.

I steer her as much as I can, kindly (“I really liked hearing your song, but I found this monologue that I think you’d be amazing at and I’d love to hear you try it…”). We’ve tried a multitude of other hobbies (only gymnastics has stuck, where she’s of a similar average ability to DD2) and of course, we celebrate her successes and other talents. She’s really clever, particularly with logic, and I’m sure she’ll do great things. She’ll almost certainly have it easier than DD2 in the longrun.

For now though, the playground buzz is all about who’s playing the lead in the play, and not about who got the highest score in the maths test.

DD1 absolutely will not give up trying, and that’s a fantastic quality. She’s the most resilient person I know. It doesn’t make the initial tears any easier though, for us as parents, or for DD2 who has to temper her excitement at every success (bless her, she’s very good at this). It just all feels so inevitable, and it’s heartbreaking.

Any thoughts on handling this?

Maybe she could channel it into being this generation’s Noel Stretfield?

Read Ballet Shoes together with them as a bedtime story and get them to make a pact that they will get their name in the history books, because it’s their very own and nobody can say it’s because of their grandfathers. Then they will be OK.

In one tiny area of life (performing) one young child is thriving more than the other

Surely there’s an entire range of other areas in their lives where its swings and roundabouts
?

Come again? 😵‍💫

Oh, that's tricky. If it's the singing that's the issue, could you look a bit further afield for productions that are regular plays, rather than musical theatre? Or just how far off is her singing? Has she had any singing lessons with a specialist music teacher?

🤨

Eh?

The three sisters in the book (Ballet Shoes) are adopted and choose their own last night (not the name of the man who adopted them). The PP is describing a vow that they made before going to a stage school. Makes sense in the context of the book…not so much (at all) here.

I think the fact she picks herself up the way she does, and also that she is so gracious with her sister, suggests she is a very special girl. That is not easy to do and you need to champion this, as you are doing. I have girls slightly younger and know my older one would never be as gracious as this and would be trying to emotionally undermine the younger one due to her own feelings of inadequacy about it.

Oh I know the story and love it!

utterly bizarre to start waffling on about grandfathers!

I'm amazed these are all singing parts. Just steer her towards roles that don't require this. My dd was a brilliant actor in her teens and probably only required to sing in a couple of roles. Her drama group could help her with finding a singing coach if that's what she wants to do.

Not that bizarre, they say it all the time in the book as part of their vow.

I would find a youth theatre group for the eldest rather than the (I presume) big musical theatre class she’s in now. They won’t do singing and dancing and she can find her place among theatre kids. Try the nearest theatre-if they don’t have a group they’ll know if there’s one nearby. And do be a bit wary of approaches from agents at such a young age.

But we don’t even know if the OP’s children even has a grandfather!

And, most likely, their last name does come from him (currently alive or not). Unlike the Fossils.

She’s rarely in tune, often in the wrong key entirely! It’s odd, she can pitch match notes when isolated, but put more than a few together and it’s all wrong. She just started singing lessons last month. She was offered this when DD2 started them years ago, but has only recently taken us up on it. I’ve no idea whether it will help. It certainly has for DD2, but she started in a different place!

When you’re 11 and you choose to spend up to 12 hours a week at drama clubs / rehearsals, it’s a pretty substantial part of life.

I think my post was pretty balanced, but you know that really.

Thank you. She is very lovely.

That’s not to say she’s not at odds with her sister several times a day (ugh!), but this never comes into it.

I think you’re doing fine if she’s still supporting and accepting of her sisters success. It’s important she sees you celebrate her sisters wins. The worst outcome would be sibling rivalry.

She’ll find her way as long as she feels equally as encouraged and loved, which is clear. Don’t offer subtle advice, just say oh well, it’s great you tried, we’re proud of you, type responses.

Sadly, with the exception of school plays where she fairs quite well, it’s all musicals. I know all the local groups! Very few roles with lines are non-soloists and those roles are mic-ed, so even in a group number they need to sound half decent!

I would try and steer her in a slightly different direction. For example, could she have music lessons and learn an instrument to give her a slightly different skill? The important thing for her self esteem is that she doesn’t feel second best all the time.

She’s learning drums and I’m waiting for a piano teacher to become available, so fingers crossed!

I really think that if she is not a singer or a dancer, musicals are not the right place for her. I would be making a strenuous effort to find the right outlet. Maybe with more travel, or a holidays-only camp type thing.

I say this with kindness, but if your eldest DD can't sing in tune, musical theatre can never be something she excels at, however much she tries. Is she interested in Speech and Drama, like LAMDA?

I would make sure I had chats with her quietly praising her for her resilience and kindness. Both those qualities will be much important for building a great life for herself than her singing voice would be ever be. Then encourage her to keep trying if she wants to - trying is much more important than succeeding in these things.