Do you force your preteens/teens out?

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My kids have got to that awkward age where they no longer want to come out anywhere with me but not quite old enough to be left home alone, not for extended periods of time anyway. Should I be forcing them to come out or just respect their wishes? There was a local bonfire event today and I wanted to go but none of them wanted to. It’s getting depressing having to spend every weekend sat inside because they don’t want to go anywhere but not old to be left alone (ages 11-13)

11 year old would absolutely not be happy to be left alone

At those ages, we would do things for a couple of hours that they would come with us for, but we’d generally try to make it more attractive to them, usually with food. As long as they got nice food whilst out or a McDonald’s on the way home, they were happy. It’s important that they do get time to just chill out though and that their time isn’t all taken up with things they don’t really want to be at. Our children were always happy to spend time doing something that wasn’t completely about them as long as they had time to themselves/time at home/time to be with friends as well. Its a balance.

Take it back to basic again and only go for an hour and remain in contact. Either that or tell the eleven year old you will be 50/50 with them.
Its all compromise.

Then they have no choice but to come with you behave decently.

With consequences in place if they refuse.

Yeah I can do that it just means that they are grumpy and the day out isnt actually enjoyable

After 14 or 15 no. Too stressful.

Oldest who is nearly 13, does not want to be seen with us and prefers staying in but does occasionally come out even grocery shopping as long as we are in and out (and he gets his sweets!). Youngest (10)we force out , often is us 3 at restaurants. But when I work most weekends they go out as a 3. So they get us but separate! If we can even continue small things without forcing it's ok x

Yes @pumpkinscake . A friend shared some photos of a family day out over half term. Their two younger children had big smiles but her 15-year-old had a face like a wet weekend in every photo! Apparently he moaned for most of the day. 😂

I advised her to leave him at home next time, he’s nearly 16 and just wants to be with his friends atm. My DS (17) is choosy about what he wants to do with us, he will go out as a family but doing something with his friends is usually preferable.

This sounds like a behaviour/ discipline issue.
Theyre not toddlers - they need to behave sensibly or there are consequences. Removal of tech or allowance or whatever you usually do.

it sounds like they rule the roost and you need to get a grip of their behaviour and respect for you as a parent before the teenage years hit.

My kids same age spent Saturday morning in supermarket and a kitchen showroom. Of course they wouldn’t have chosen it, but they need to learn about how life works not just sit at home on tech and only opting in to the fun bits. It’s not every weekend, but sometimes it’s just life.

Then you tell them to stop being grumpy or they will lose X, Y or Z.

You seem to have created a bit of a rod for your own back.
Not wanting to come out is normal but then saying you must stay home with them is ridiculous. They want their cake and to eat it also.
Mine are the same age, and with similar attitudes. If we are going out we find informing them ahead of time ie the day before works well, also making sure you do it - the more you do it the more they get used to it. Like pp they complain bit tend to enjoy it once there. It also depends hugely on you to keep the mood fun and not let them wear you down.
Also we often leave them alone for an hour or two to do our own thing also. They are quite happy to stay home alone.

Well they can’t have it both ways. I leave my 11 year old on his own when I go out to my hobby a couple of times a week (DH works away mid week) he isn’t thrilled about it, but he has the choice to come and watch me. He usually chooses home lol.

I don’t really have to force my 15 and 11 year old out (boys) anywhere except shopping, they HATE shopping, so they always opt to stay home for that, otherwise they’re happy to come, I only encourage it if it’s a family thing, if it’s not, they can choose to stay home (if they don’t like that…well I’m not staying home! They have a choice!)

Yes we do. Youngest DSS, 11 would spend all weekend ‘relaxing’ as he calls it-which means lying in bed on his phone or playing on his VR. It’s not good for him at all. He has got himself into the mindset that if he has done one thing out of the house one of the days (plays football) that’s all he needs to do for the rest of the weekend, which then dictates the rest of our weekend.
it’s a battle but we get him to come for a walk into town with us, or a dog walk or an activity on the other day. Which he always enjoys once he’s there, albeit with some moaning, so we will carry on with it as long as we can.

Well yes 11yo is too young but then he comes out with you 🤷‍♀️

The older one either comes with you or stays at home, he can’t have it both ways.

You are giving them way too much power.

11 year old is not too young, 11 year old can be year 7!

11 is an odd age - some 11 year olds are fine being home alone, some aren't. My daughter wasn't at 11 and now suddenly at almost 13 she loves being home alone.

Basically I think you just need to decide what is the priority. There's no chance my kids would be allowed to dictate my own life like this - of course I don't drag them round everywhere with me (they are 12 - 13 in a couple weeks and 9) but we do 'something' most weekends as a family, we do things in separate groups sometimes, sometimes they stay home with my husband and I go do something fun, sometimes the reverse. Sometimes now my daughter opts out of things and stays home on her own. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing but your children shouldn't be dictating your life to this degree.

11 isn’t too young at all - I was walking to/from the bus and letting myself in/out of the house at that age.

I agree 11 isn’t too young in theory but this 11 year old doesn’t want to be left at home alone 🤷‍♀️ allowing a 11yo to dictate whether I stay in all weekend or if they come out with me is madness imo.

I’m not saying all 11 year olds are happy being at home on their own, mine prefers not to, but it’s plenty old enough to be on their own. You give them a choice and if they don’t want to be on their own they come with you.

Precisely, so if they don’t want to stay at home they have to go with the parent. They’re old enough to be on their own but if they don’t feel mature enough that’s on them.

Absolutely! Just had a string of people saying that the 11 year old should be happy to stay home and wanted to note not all are. Unusual for a teenager not to be happy to do so however (barring additional needs etc). My daughter is autistic so takes a while to get used to things. My son loves being left home alone when I pop to the shops or whatever though so I imagine by 11 he'd be all for it!

Yes same my son is AuADHD so is a bit younger than his peers, he often rings his dad when I’m out for company. I think it’s worse now it’s darker, didn’t bother him as much in the summer.

Could not agree more.