Do you force your preteens/teens out?

[slowdownn]

My kids have got to that awkward age where they no longer want to come out anywhere with me but not quite old enough to be left home alone, not for extended periods of time anyway. Should I be forcing them to come out or just respect their wishes? There was a local bonfire event today and I wanted to go but none of them wanted to. It’s getting depressing having to spend every weekend sat inside because they don’t want to go anywhere but not old to be left alone (ages 11-13)

A bit of both. Sometimes, if it's boring for them (dog walk etc) I get them out in the morning with the promise they have the afternoon free then. If it's something we are obliged to do like occasionally visiting grandparents, they don't have a choice. Some days though its ok if they just want to bed rot for a bit. A mixture I guess.

How old?

I wouldn’t be sitting in every wend being held hostage by my dd. I’d bear her in mind when planning stuff but yes she came out with me.

My younger son didn’t like being left alone but didn’t always want to come out with us. He had to choose, stay home alone or come with us. He can’t expect us to cancel our plans just to accommodate him. Also once secondary school age they had to be home alone after school for 2 hours ish so we could work. He just had to get used to it. He now loves being home alone (he’s 12.)

i make them come with us sometimes but wouldn’t force them all the time.

I don’t think they’d want any friends coming out with us they are both boys and I don’t think they’d want to invite their friends on a family day out with their mum that would be “cringe” like everything is “cringe” to them now. They don’t meet with friends often outside of school anyway.

My daughter still likes bringing a friend along to things - sometimes they'll wander off and do their own thing wherever we are, but they have phones and such so we can find each other later.

I would say that some things aren't optional - holiday activities, sometimes a walk or similar, family holidays. Some things we split up (we have a two parent household) and one of us takes the more keen child with us and the other one stays home. Sometimes they are just grumpy about it but if they are actually unpleasant and ruining other people's days, then there are repercussions. They don't have to love everything, but they aren't allowed to be rude.

We have stopped forcing my son to go to theatre - we tried several times and he just hates it. And that's a massive waste of money. So my daughter and I go and enjoy it and he stays home watching star wars with my husband (think my husband prefers that anyway!)

Yeah girls are generally different with that though imo i know im stereotyping but just my opinion!

It also depends on what they’re doing at home. At that age, if there’s a choice to go out or stay home on screens, screens will always win.

Exactly. Which is why we are left trying to force them out against their will!

mine do like bringing their friends. But then it needs to be an activity for friends not family. And of course no quality family time.

🤯

At 11 and 13, I think that you could leave them for an hour-ish in the early evening to go to a local bonfire. You won’t be very far away, will you?

I don’t think it’s fair for them to refuse to come along but also expect you to miss out.

If you’re not comfortable leaving them for a short time yet, definitely consider it next year.

Yes I’d leave them if they were happy to be left but unfortunately they aren’t

@slowdownn Another way to look at it though is that you’re the parent so you make the decision.

If it’s going to cause a big fuss right now, leave it. But you need to start doing it at some point, they don’t get to dictate whether you can go out or not.

Tough. They’re old enough to understand that if they don’t want to be left home alone they can slap a smile on their faces and come out with you.

And no taking them places they do want to go without accepting there’s some give and take here.

I don’t force them out but actively encourage them! They usually enjoy themselves once they are out.

I agree if the choice is screens or going out with mum screens will win 🤷‍♀️

The next few years are going to be very boring for you op if you let them dictate if you can leave the house or not. They are holding you to ransom and it absolutely would not fly with me.

I think as they get older I will be able to leave them and they will be more comfortable with it do people really force 14/15 year olds out with them? I wouldn’t have been seen dead with my mum at that age

Well, tough.

Either they get left on their own or they go with you and you put consequences in place if they refuse to behave decently.

So they expect you to do what an 11 and 13 year old want (let them stay at home and stay at home with them) - and they're not willing to do things you want to do? I'd have a chat with them and point out all the things that they want to do and get to do...and that in return they have to do some stuff that you want to do. Plus they must do your activities in good grace - or there are consequences, e.g. screen privileges withdrawn for x period. Our DD (13) knows there's stuff she has to do with us if she wants to do all her activities.

My 14 yo ds doesn’t enjoy the company of me, DH and 7yo DS. We tend not to force it because he gets in a strop and it has on occasion put a real damper on proceedings to be honest. He just wants to decompress or hang about with his mates. For special occasions like Xmas he’ll tag along quietly to special days out or whatever, often we’ll bribe with an offer of McDonald’s. I feel sad about it but I hope he will come back to us eventually. My policy is always invited, but rarely forced.

The 15 year old, I don’t force out.
The 12 year old I do if we’re going out for anything more than an hour or so. I figure still a bit young to be left at home for hours on end. Plus she’d just sit on her phone all day.

My experience is that they are very capable of ruining the whole day if you force them!
my children are older now but my youngest has sometimes made it clear he's coming with me on outings as a favour, which really changes the whole atmosphere anyway.

Thanks I agree

Yes exactly they tend to be grumpy or argue

Just to add I use to leave them home alone for an hour or so but it’s recently they’ve expressed they don’t like it as I went to get something fixed once so took longer than usual to come home so since then they’ve said they don’t like being left at home so it’s a recent thing.

Yes, in moderation. DS1 (13) sometimes just needs to get out to clear the jitters and I have been known to simply march him out of the house. He’s as tall as I am but he’s a compliant chap by nature. And he’ll always admit after about 10 minutes in the fresh air that he feels better. DS2 (9) responds better to bribery. Either of them would be read the riot act if they made everyone else miserable. Neither of them have unrestricted screen time (usually an hour a day on gaming consoles at the weekend) so it’s never screens or out. Maybe that helps.

Take them out separately. This works. 14 year old loves a walk round decathlon and a costa afterwards with me. Likewise the 16 year old loves a trip to Costco.
Walks? Nah.
Drive to get petrol and chocs then watch a film ?
You havd to compromise.