Overly sensitive 11 year old boy

[1lov3comps]

DS can be really over sensitive to things that are not that big of a deal and I’m struggling to understand how to help him to learn how to deal with this.
Usually what happens is that I can tell that something is bothering him, I’ll ask and he’ll tell me. I will acknowledge that his feelings are valid and that he’s allowed to feel however he does and then I’ll try to explore why he feels so strongly about it. When he realises that I don’t necessarily think that it’s as bad as he does, that tends to shut him down but I don’t know what else to do.
As a recent example, he went trick or treating on Friday night with friends, had a great night and has a tonne of junk food. He was eating a packet of crisps yesterday and said it tasted weird. Packet was slightly out of date, we both laughed about it and he binned it. He mentioned on a class group chat last night about getting the out of date food and someone texted back and said he deserved it. Nobody else said anything and there’s been no other activity on the chat. He told me about it this morning and was nearly in tears. He gets on with the boy who said it so I get that it wasn’t a nice thing to say but I think it’s not good for him that he’s been dwelling on it since yesterday evening.
any thoughts on helping him to not take so much offence to stuff??

Bumping for advice!

Hopeful last bump…

Did you try explaining that his friend was just making a joke?

I have (had, he’s older now!) one of these. DS was soooo sensitive when that age and only grew out of it through puberty. He has a very strong sense of fairness and injustice, he’s also mildly autistic so sometimes clings to very black and white notions rather than being able to see a bit of nuance. I’m not suggesting your DS has ASD, some people just are sensitive and feel things deeply.

Its important he can voice those feelings rather than be shut down too soon, but it’s also important that you help him rationalise and move on. If you shut it down too soon hs more likely to hold onto that issue.

and it wasn’t very nice of his friend to say that. But a good response might have been a laughing emoji, like he’s just taking it as a silly joke rather than a deeply wounding insult. Getting sensitive souls to lighten up
a bit in their responses is useful - particularly as they approach the teen years when a lot of social interaction is all about piss-taking, silly banter and having a go at one another’s foibles.

I did say that maybe it was more of a throwaway comment and said that because he gets on with this boy that it probably was meant in a funny way rather than a mean way but that’s when he realised that I didn’t find it as offensive as him and then it shuts the conversation down.
seems like no matter how much I see both sides of it (to try and help his perspective), it’s a bit his view or the wrong view

@NorthSouthEast
Im glad to hear your DS grew out of it. He is quite black and white but over the years, we have got him to a place where he can hear other peoples perspective on things and is happy to adjust his opinion but when it comes to matters like this that affect him personally, it’s more of a sticking point…

Its interesting that you say your DS is mildly autistic because DS was thought to have ADHD as a child but there are some areas of his personality that give off mild ASD traits so I wonder is there an element of that.

Maybe him talking to me is enough, I wonder if by ‘discussing’ it with him if that’s what doesn’t work for him. As in, does he just need to vent - food for thought there for me because he hasn’t mentioned it since and I can tell that it’s not bothering him the same way. I suppose I’m now worried that he’s compartmentalising it

Sorry but that kind of thing really plays on my mind too. You wonder why the person said it, "do they hate me", "what have I done" and I imagine your son is just a nice boy who wouldn't say that kind of thing to anyone, so when it happens to them it's actually kind of shocking.

You do sound a bit unsupportive imo. Si ilar to my parents who I have grown up wondering why they don't care about any issues I have. But at the same time I have come to realise I am hyper sensitive. But I have a good work ethic, moral and trustworthy kind of person.

A joke is meant to be funny.

I would say I'm not very sensitive but wouldn't have taken that comment as a joke, it's weird and a but mean. Plus at 11 he is still young. Give him a hug and say "that was a bit mean of him" and ask if there's anything going on with him and they boy or if he's been unkind in any other ways.

Sure, but 11 year old boys are still learning what is funny and what crosses the line into being mean.

It could have been a clumsy attempt at banter, it could have also been a mildly bullying/mean comment which the other boy is trying to increase his own social standing by putting down someone else. It's usually best IME to try to laugh these things off, however they were originally intended, unless there is a persistent pattern of being targeted, then it crosses a line and should be escalated to the school.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy
he’s definitely a deep thinker and I agree that he’s just not as able to brush things off as easily as other people.
I don’t agree that I’m unsupportive, I’m looking for ways to try and further understand his way of thinking and I am very clear to him that I can understand how he feels, that he’s entitled to his feelings and then only once I’ve acknowledged his side of it do I then try and get him to take a step back and see if there’s another way of looking at it.