Parent bashing/negative talk/victimising himself

[Firsttimemum292]

Hi everyone

today I spent the day with my child and her father. Who has been incredibly abusive in the past but I thought I’d just give our daughter a nice day as we are having a nice weekend without him so I thought I’d just go along and take it as it comes.

So anyway cut a long story short,

he got play dough out and we were playing with it. I did something wrong which set my 3 year old off into a melt down and he came storming from the kitchen trying to “ help” he wasn’t helping he was making it worse.

telling her to stop crying that this that the other that it was my fault which evidently it would have been the next thing that did it not me who had done something wrong with play dough. So when he was having a small fit she was in my arms crying loudly. So he again tells her to stop. I tell him and her that it’s okay to feel sad and be upset sometimes even if it’s just an accident and can be fixed and repeated she’s just having cuddles with me because that’s what she wants.

He then turns round and goes “ shall I put all this away then if you’re going to keep crying” which obviously she screamed no and continued to cry so I said again she is allowed to feel the way she’s feeling and she’s allowed to take 5 minutes away from her play dough to regulate. He said something which I can’t remember.

he then said something ans I said you need to calm down it’s not that big and it’s not that deep. He then started on and said how have you started to blame me it was your fault she was like that I said excuse me I was handling it and you didn’t need to come and give her the energy or attitude that you had.

then he started saying well when she’s on her own she’s not like this it’s just you. So then he said if you’re going to sit there and be fake all afternoon just go… I said no I told you what the problem was I told you what I felt and I’ll tell you that the way you just spoke to her was wrong. well anyway he carried on and said just go and told me I was looking at him like a piece of shit ( side note I possibly was, he deserved it) he then says go get out go. My daughter jumps to me from sitting beside me and goes no I don’t want mummy to go.

he then gets a whole lot worse and says. “ mummy wants to go she doesn’t want to be here” “ mummy doesn’t like daddy”… I then say you need to drop this conversation right now with a 3 year old what are you trying to do to her mind and her brain. He says I’m just being honest? I said what like that with a 3 year old that isn’t emotionally mature or old enough to understand anything well not much. He said I can be honest I said no you can’t not to that degree.

I then said I wasn’t going to leave her there with him so again he said so you don’t trust me with her I said no. I don’t think the way you talk to her is correct or your attitude. I said I have safeguarding training that states what you’re doing Is wrong. He started to laugh like well I don’t work in that field so how am I suppose to know? I said it’s common sense you protect your kids from this not use them in it.

He stood for a good 10 minute still trying to drill me about it and I kept saying I’m not having a conversation infront of a 3 year old so drop it he kept saying you won’t have a conversation full stop I said not infront of my child who needs protecting I won’t.

so anyway he then goes does something in a different space in the house comes back and apologises. Said he shouldn’t have done it etc. I say ok drop it. He walks away again and comes back and goes have you noticed you haven’t apologised and I said oh I know yeah.

I had no intention of apologising but all he ever seems to do is blame me and victimise himself and we aren’t even in a relationship.

I just don’t know how to trust him with my child after that today. He can’t handle the typical child like behaviour and I wish I could protect her little heart self esteem and confidence.
it breaks my heart

I don’t know how to deal with this

You say he’s been abusive in the past - but he still is. He’s horrible, and he’s abusing both of you.

Don’t force your child to live with him.

What does the Child Arrangement Order say?

thankfully we don’t live with him and never will. I am trying to minimise the days she sees him and there is 0 overnights. I am creating a diary of all the incidents because I am not having this. The thing is I wouldn’t trust him around her with a new girlfriend for this reason cause he’ll abuse every woman to ever come into his life. I found out what he was really like too late.

We don’t have one at present, I ask him for specific days and he refuses to give so I have Ito make up things we are doing on certain days like dinner at my sisters or mums or xyz.

Im so over his bullshit and he is now doing this to our child even further but sees no wrong doings. Driving me insane.

he called me earlier while I was taking her to an experience day knowing fully well it had just started. I hust can’t deal with the level of control and everything inbetween. I want us both out.

What would he do if you stopped contact? Does your DD enjoy spending time with him? Do you see any changes in her behaviour after the visits? It just sounds so abusive and manipulative, it’s one thing to have that argument between yourselves, not everyone agrees with how to parent (I think you were clearly right but some people think modern parenting is ‘soft’) but for him to start saying those things to your poor DD is just totally unacceptable, I’d be really really tempted to stop contact although I’m not sure if that would go against you in a court system? Maybe not now the new ruling has just been passed about these sort of situations.

It sounds like you handled it perfectly though! Definitely keep records of what happens and when, are there any organisations that can help with this sort of situation? Maybe even social services?

I stopped communication and contact over summer, I literally got an earful over the phone one day and thought that this is enough. I ignored him for 6 weeks. He came to my address once banging on windows and doors thankfully our daughter stayed asleep. He rang me every single day and then within 14 days I let him have contact via my sister. It worked fine but I never knew when he was having her as it would be that morning I’d find out. I do wish I’d never broken it. I am supposed to be going into temp accommodation in the near future so I am tempted to do a disappearing act and go back to being silent. I literally don’t trust that our child’s emotional wellbeing is going to be okay if she keeps going.

I just kept repeating now isn’t the time, he also tried to say our daughter had said I’d hit her on the arm but I have never and would never but again I see that as a controlling lie manipulative and also a way to deflect.

It sounds horrendous!!

first thing I would do - get a parenting app one that is court approved for communication, let him know and how to sign up etc then block his number on everything else. That way all communication is admissible in court I think that’s how it works.

once you go into temp accommodation I’d cut contact completely let him take you to court.

in the meantime - have you spoken to any organisations that specialise in this sort of thing and can support you? Women’s aid possibly? Or social services? Somewhere you can describe the situation and history and get a professional unbiased opinion that’s in your child’s best interest?

get a camera up too - even if it doesn’t work it should stop him turning up being aggressive. If he does turn up again just ring 999. Make sure there’s a record with authorities.

and your second reply yeah sounds like deflection - anything to blame you.

I'm sorry you’re going through this. Do you live alone? Get a plan in place to cut him out completely but act completely normal until you can do it. Record and screenshot everything, speak to authorities. You need to protect your child and yourself. He doesn’t want to be a dad it’s just a way of keeping tabs on you by the sounds of it!

I just think even calling me at 13:10 today knowing I’d told him the event started at 1pm.. he knew what he was doing he knew what he wanted to do and that’s what got me even further.

No he doesn’t want to be a dad it’s purely about control over the both of us. He needs our child for validation and attention as he does me and that’s why he hates that I don’t apologise for the things he causes. He needs to feel good about himself and having children does that for him.

thankfully when she was 3 months old we got this place and he’s not been in here since last January and even then it was a one off. He isn't welcome and he knows that I like to think our daughter knows no negativity happens here just happy love and cuddles and lots of fun with no bad energy and that will continue.

I usually pull him up on a behaviour which gets me blocked…. I used to do it just so I would be blocked.

She doesn’t want to talk to him sometimes and today was one of those days he tried to call several times and she was saying no and reached for the red button this is her by herself. I always speak positively about him to her tell her he loves her etc even when I think he’s a dick. If he lets her down I make up that he’s working or at football etc. I do my best to protect her heart and mind.

my dad was an abuser, I lived a tough ish childhood but that being said my mum protected me from it as much as she could and always did once new things came to light and that’s it for me. I don’t want her to have my childhood. I want her to be anxiety free because I go through times at being riddled and I feel like I’m seeing it in her lately.

he makes me feel disgusted in men like him.

Yeah of course he knew what he was doing! Men like this thrive on control. And they thrive on knowing you’re on their mind even if it’s for negative reasons. He’s using every trick in the book to ensure everything you do takes him into consideration.

You need to take back the control - it sounds like you’re on the way there but you have to go further. Do it all officially. If he’s that bothered about his daughter he will take you to court and if he doesn’t then even better you can just cut him out completely. If he does take you to court you’ll have all the evidence of his abuse hence why I said speak to an organisation or call police if he turns up you need that proper evidence. There’s been a new court ruling this last week or so where each case is now assessed individually whereas before dad was automatically given access and rights if it went to court despite abusive records. That’s now changed in your favour so let him do it.

your daughter will know exactly who he is as she grows up - we can try and protect them from the truth but they will work it out eventually, what I would say is obv don’t slag him off to her but equally don’t make up lies to protect him. Tell her the truth in an age appropriate way if she asks. Something like ‘daddy couldn’t make it’ is simple enough. It’s not a lie but you can’t be accused of trying to make him look bad.

my sons dad was similar and awful - I cut him off when my son was born and he behaved atrociously. My son is now 2 and ten months and he recently contacted me to ask for a chance. I didn’t want to give it but I wanted to do right by my son so I did and said it would be the only one. Within 6 weeks he had messed it up and now he’s gone for good but I’m lucky in that he won’t ever take me to court.

Do all those things I said and you’ll soon see if he genuinely wants to be a father or if it’s all to get to you. I think the answer is obvious but when it’s on record he won’t be able to wriggle out of it.

i know it can be hard with someone who is abusive cause you want to do all these things but something stops you cause deep down you’re still scared of him. Well that’s what he is counting on, you being scared enough not to take it further

Hi

I kind of just had enough today and was bogged down so I told him straight and then ignored him. I told him it wasn’t acceptable and that I felt he wasn’t a safe parent and shouldn’t be putting so much negativity on a 3 year old he should be protective and safe and not unsafe and harmful. I then said I wasn’t happy to attend a birthday outing together just because I felt obliged to and that he hasn’t been around healthy or helpful ever so why should he get the privilege. It was a lengthy paragraph. But I got 8 minutes worth of voice notes back while I was working like one at 20 past 10, 26 minutes past 10 and 11:30 and 13:45 got blocked and that’s how it’s stayed. I don’t listen to his voicenotes. I learned not to many occasions ago but I can guarantee it’ll be a few days of peace and then he’ll be back thinking it’s all forgotten when it won’t be. I’ll just go quiet again.