Potty training nightmare

[MyGoldBear]

I’m really struggling with potty training my nearly 4 year old.

for the last 18months he has been great with wee’s but for over a year we’ve struggled with the pooing. He hides, won’t tell us and poos in his pants. We tried everything:
rewards
stickers
blowing bubbles
playing games
doing strong man muscles (so he pushes)
tried offering him a nappy

I’m at my wits end. It’s got to the point that I know he knows what he’s doing and I’m getting cross. He’s holding it in or does it in his pants almost deliberately. Nursery have also tried helping but everything leads to a failure. I’m getting to the point do we look for professional help??

Have you ruled out constipation?
Does he help clean himself?

I had similar problems with my four (now nearly five 🤦🏼‍♀️) year old and while we aren’t out of the woods yet, things are better.

I think the major problem we had and still have really is that DH taught DS to urinate standing up (thanks, DH.) So as well as getting pee all over the seat, it also means that he isn’t sitting on the toilet and kind of feeling that ‘tug’ (I know) so he ignores it and it builds up until - well, I’m sure I don’t need to be too graphic! Sitting him on the toilet or potty after breakfast sometimes helps. I’ve also noticed he poos when in the shower as he squats down in the bath so I don’t know if your DS would be up for a squatting game!

It’s always worth investigating constipation but my DS isn’t constipated, he is lazy. Thankfully we’ve managed to swerve accidents in school but had plenty at home.

We’ve been back and forth to the doctors and they prescribe the powdered laxatives but it doesn’t seem to help.

we try to get him but he refuses to.

Have you seen a children’s bladder and bowel specialist yet?

I recommend you look into Dr Green book called New Toddler Taming. It has a chapter on potty training. Dr Green is a renowned Australian paediatrician with a great sense of humour so his book is an easy read with lots of tips

Where does he urinate? In a potty or a toilet? When sat down n the toilet do his feet dangle or is there something firm to place his feet?

The constipation isn't going to help upping fluids, getting active, increasing fiber and the powders taken religiously should have helped .....some parents don't do the powders long enough and stop after a few days. Go back to the GP with a fluid record to show he's drinking.
So if he refuses to clean himself do you wait him out or give in?

We tend to give in and do it for him

Not a bloody chance would I let DS clean himself up. He would make ten times the mess, the smell is horrific and it gets everywhere.

Plus, it is all well and good if it’s not … much of a mess, if it’s literally everywhere chances are they will need at least some help. My DS missed the toilet the other day (I wasn’t annoyed as he had been trying to go, at least) and 🤢

Unfortunately when he's at school he has to do it himself. Obviously to start you do the worst but then they have a go tipping it down loo...constipated children tend not to be too messy unless it's overflow which they can't help.

He may not have any accidents at school: mine hasn’t. Plus, September is a long time away. I wouldn’t be insisting a three year old cleans himself up because of ten months down the line.

He's almost 4 not just 3......as I said it's not cleaning everything up but about understanding it's better to use the potty than his pants, it's not nice to change, it takes longer than a potty break....and seeing pooh goes in the toilet. If you rush to do it and he's not involved he doesn't realise it's not the best option and delaying is easier than stopping to pooh.

The OP says he is nearly four, ergo he is three and won’t be starting school for another ten months.

I often think I was / am too hard on my four year old but I genuinely don’t think they have the level of logic and maturity to consider at length ‘if I soil my pants, mummy will make me clean myself up.’ For most children, it isn’t on purpose. My own DS doesn’t exactly do it on purpose - he isn’t great at recognising when he needs to go so puts it off. The OPs DS is constipated. Both will have the same result. It’s not very pleasant but my own DS is miles better than he was. If he’s still having daily accidents come July and August, sure; as it is, I wouldn’t be making him clean himself up.

To give some solidarity - my 4 year is very similar and the only things that seem to help us:
bribery - so a week of no poo pants = toy
when he then stopped trying = toy removed
getting into better patterns - we know he needs to go roughly about 4pm - we get him into the toilet at that time.

my son was at nursery at its worst and they were not great which I think then started bad routines for school. For the last couple of months at nursery he was having daily accidents. A few weeks at home before starting school seemed to work.

shouting and telling my son did not work at all. Lots of praise does work.

and to be honest he did go backwards starting school but we spoke to his teacher, agreed a plan and now we is so much better and managing. He will come to me and ask if I am proud that he managed the toilet at school.

hope that helps and often poos are so hard to crack