Massively regretting decision to have a second child - is it ever going to get better?

[1709S]

I was desperate for another baby after having my first child; I don’t really know why except that Covid took a lot of experiences away from us and so I wanted to do it all ‘properly.‘ DC2 was born in August 2023, so we are over two years on now and both DH and I are miserable and hate our lives. That sounds really dramatic and I’ll try to explain more as the thread develops.

DC1 is now four and started reception in September. I thought things would improve then and they have a bit. DC1 is generally nice, mostly well behaved and getting on well at school.

DC2 is definitely a toddler but a fairly ‘easy’ toddler; Dc1 was a whirlwind but dc2 is calmer and a bit more chilled, doesn’t need as much input or activity as dc1.

Together they are just awful, and I really wish I was exaggerating but I don’t think I am. DC1 winds dc2 up no end; dc2 responds with this high pitched scream which goes right through me. It doesn’t seem to matter what sort of discipline you use on dc1; keeps on doing it. Takes toys away, grabs things from dc2, generally annoys them.

DC2 is jealous and possessive towards me. They both do this thing I hate where one will cuddle me and shout MY mummy and it leads to a shouting match of MY mummy MY mummy MY mummy … I can’t hug one without the other coming over which obviously I don’t mind but it leads to arguing and tears.

Their behaviour in the car is so horrific that DH and I have said we just won’t take them anywhere together; if we go anywhere as a family we go in different cars. They scream and shout, fling themselves around, try to hit and kick one another; DC1 makes stupid screaming noises with the aim of not letting DC2 nap; DC2 sobs and cries.

If I have them at home together sometimes they play nicely together but I know it won’t be long until someone screams. I’m edgy, irritable and tense all the time.

But apart, they are really nice children. None of my friends can relate as they all stuck at one, so I inevitably feel like I bring chaos with me whenever I try to go somewhere. I feel like such a crap parent. I hate feeling like this as I love them so very much but together they are unbearable.

I think they sound like regular siblings at that age with that age gap. It does get easier as they get older, but sympathies as it’s bloody hard work when they are little.

I had this age gap. I found a regular routine and being very strict about behavior was helpful. Swimming too tires them out well.
But being very strict with behavior and consequences helped quite a lot.

I have 2 boys, same age gap as yours, fought constantly and my younger one was a screamer who could silence a room of toddlers.
i can only reiterate some advice above re trying to tire them out wherever possible like dogs with long walks or swimming sessions, combined with firm behaviour boundaries. . It is exhausting and you have my sympathy. They won’t be 2 and 4 forever and your screamer won’t scream forever. They may even get on with each other one day.
My sons are in their thirties now but I have never forgotten how hard that age was. good luck!

Mine are same age and I’ve actually started to notice it’s getting a lot easier - the older one will really look out for the younger at groups and help him climb up in soft play etc so I’m becoming barely needed when we’re out! They do still fight and occasionally both argue over hugging me, and my second definitely does that annoying scream too 🤣 but I know those are just age things and they’ll both grow out of that soon and more often than not they really get along.

I agree with others that you need to be strict on behaviour, I find whether they get along depends massively on the mood of the eldest so make sure they’re getting enough sleep at nighttime - early nights etc.

Also try making 1:1 time for them if you don’t already, but especially the oldest one. We let our eldest choose which parent is getting them to sleep each night and we’ll occasionally have coffee dates just me and them at the weekend while dad is with the youngest, or he’ll take the eldest food shopping or something while I’m home with the younger one and I think that helps reduce the jealousy/fighting!

Thanks for the replies.

I do get out loads with them, to the point where I wonder if it’s too much. But I do have to drive and the journeys are just awful. DC2 can’t nap when dc1 is around because behaviour is just awful.

I don’t think there’s anything I haven’t tried; it doesn’t seem to matter how firm you are or how much they miss out on, they just carry on.

I do really make an effort to have time with each one but realistically it’s limited.

DC1 starting school has been a big change and they do get exhausted in the first term. There may be some resentment that DC2 gets to stay home with you. It is pretty relentless at that age but it does get better.

The two years I had them both together were awful. The first year was interspersed with nursery for dc1 so I managed but the second year juggling their needs and work was awful.

I assumed it would get better when dc1 started school but I still hate spending time with them both.

I am so sorry that you have this. I didn’t with mine but a neighbour did with hers and it drove her mad. It’s more common than you think and it does get better as they learn to regulate.

Bigger age gap here but exact same behaviour. The high pitched scream 😱 Car joumeys are horrendous. Mine are 10 and 7 and it’s still as bad .

This this this.
I have two boys two years apart and this describes exactly what it was like.
It does get better and better. From about 5 upwards they were a joy. Never had the slightest problem with them as teenagers.
What helped.
Wear them out. My sister used to say they needed lunging (horsey term).
Don't tolerate bad behaviour. It's sometimes easier to let it go or ignore than to fight the battle but long term it pays off.
I was a bit of a sergeant major.
Lots of rules. Children of that age respond well to knowing precisely what isn't allowed and what the consequences are. Equally rewards. Invent rewards that can be given or withheld. Little cards or whatever they collect at that age now.

Starting school triggered awful behaviour from DS1. He was unbearably tired and we brought bedtime forward significantly.

I can't speak for your specific situation so I don't want to just say 'oh it'll pass', because there's always the possibility that it won't, but my experience is that parenting goes in phases. God knows I've been in and out of love with the whole concept of parenting at various times depending upon what stage of development my kids were in and what else was going on in our lives. Mine bicker and I hate it. Hate hate hate it. Some days it feels non stop and makes me feel regret at becoming a parent, feel I'm doing it all wrong, feel I'm failing them etc. Then another time they'll hug each other, be sweet to each other and play nicely. Those moments are filled with the joys of spring and I'm all smug - for five minutes and then they're bickering again.

The whole thing feels like a constant cycle but it's really not that quick, it's more like a good week or month at a time. Or whatever goes on for a few months then changes anyway as they get older and change. None of it is permanent. The sweet little phases I want to last forever change - sometimes even for the better - and the bad parts pass too. They just seem to feel longer at the time!

You know how they'll love apples for two weeks so you buy loads of them which then go off because suddenly everyone hates apples.

So yes, potentially you might be raising two little psychopaths who will grow up to want to murder each other but it's more likely that this is just an awful stage they're in that will pass. Remember the first year at big school is always a tricky one and the phrase 'terrible twos' exists for a reason. You're dealing with both at the same time.

We have similar age DCs with a similar age gap and very similar behaviour from both. We try to both have 1 on 1 time with each of them, and weekends are completely child led activities as it’s just not worth dragging two young children round somewhere they don’t want to be. The one thing that stick out in your OP was the car journeys and then both flinging themselves around. How are they able to do this, are they both in harnesses? If not then put them both back into harnesses if they misbehave, they shouldn’t be able to fling themselves around if secured properly.

This is what I’m afraid of. I just feel as if I have a future filled with screeching, conflict, desperately trying to meet everyone’s needs and still failing and being resented by everyone even though I’m giving 100%.

Wow. You in the trenches with it but who’re the bosses here? How are you both showing them what’s expected so you all have a better time? Next time you are driving and it all kicks off pull over and say you won’t be going to the park/softplay whatever until they behave themselves. Get them playing eye spy, counting red cars or whatever. Sing along to music. Have the conversation before you leave the house about how you expect them to behave! They need to be taught and it’s your job!

They are in harnesses, not straitjackets - they can still move!

I don’t think we ever do anything not child led. I’m not sure what you’re suggesting to be honest - obviously we’d run into difficulties if we were trying to sip cocktails all weekend but we aren’t.

It's shit when you have two that never get on. Do you have one of each? We try to divide and conquer at weekends rather than listen to the constant bickering. My eldest is scathing towards her brother and he reacts, I am in despair that they will ever tolerate each other.

Im not really suggesting anything really, there’s not an awful lot you can do about it. I mean I sitting here now in my living room right now with my 5 and 2 year old tearing round screaming at each other. The only difference is most of my friends also have two DCs with similar age gaps and all have the same problems so we have people to moan to about it all who understand.

Fine if we’re going to the park. How about school, work, dentist, doctor? Besides, they don’t care if they don’t get to go to the park; just continue screeching at home.

I would feel like I am just really shit at parenting and I kind of am - I’m shit at parenting them both. When I have just one, I’m a really good parent. And they are nice alone so they can’t be that bad, but together they are.

Sorry if I sounded defensive. I thought you were saying that DH and I were just dragging them round the supermarket and so on and being surprised when they acted up. We don’t, but it’s really the car. Something about being in the same confined space as one another really seems to bring out the worst in them which means when we get to wherever we’re going everyone is stressed and edgy. Not that they are brilliant at home but at least they can be separated a bit easier.

We don’t have the car issue as my dd has suspected ND and always goes into ‘car trance’ when we’re in the car so don’t have any problems, but at other times they’re awful together. I’m hoping it’s a stage and they grow out of it when they’re older!