What am I getting wrong? I can’t parent my six year old!!

[struggglingmum]

He is just so angry, so grumpy, so miserable all the time. I’m absolutely sick to death of it. He kicks off about everything, if I tell him just to wait 30 seconds for something he starts screaming and shouting, he constantly says he hates me, he wishes I wasn’t his mummy. He goes on about how I’m awful/horrible/mean because he is a superhero and his team do this and that and I don’t (because I have rules and boundaries and apparently his ‘team’ dont.) He just sucks the life out of me. I say let’s go for a walk, his little brother is like yay! He is just like “NO!!! NO WALK!” Like an angry toddler and he’ll run off and hide and scream and shout. I ask if they want something his little brother will say no thank you, or yes please and he’ll just shout NO! DISGUSTING! Or something dramatic if he doesn’t or if he does he’ll demand it. Honestly if it wasn’t for my 3 year old I’d think I’d totally failed as a mother for him to be so rude, angry and disrespectful. But my 3 year old has great manners, even this morning he threw his shreddies on the floor cause I said no he can’t eat them in the buggy, and he instantly once he saw my face said sorry and picked them up. He’s literally just turned 3. My 6 year old would never, he’d of started screaming and shouting and making everything worse. I know this probably reads like I favour my 3 year old.. I guess I’m starting to! I actually enjoy his childhood. My 6 year old seems to waste his entirely being angry and grumpy and miserable. He growls at me more than he talks to me (yes, actually growls) and I guess all kids have their moments, but it’s harder to shrug off when it’s almost every moment. We wake up and within 10 minutes he’s set the tone for the day and I just can’t be bothered. I lost it with him this morning and said why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to be so rude and angry and grumpy about everything? Don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you want to be positive about anything, ever? He just covered his ears and did that whole na-na-na I’m not listening thing, that he rolls out atleast 80 times a day. I genuinely am starting to dislike him. I know this is down to me somehow, and it’s my responsibility to help him get through it, and I can’t blame him. That’s why I’m here. I hear what’s wrong in how I talk about him completely, I hate that I feel like this. Can anyone help me?

It's not down to you so stop beating yourself up.

Was he like this before his little brother came along? Is it sibling rivalry?

Have you considered he may be ND? Have you talked to his teacher and asked her opinion? What did his nursery or childminder think of him?

Or it may just be a phase. My ds went through about 2 years of being endlessly negative. It was exhausting.

I suspect low levels of some neurodiversity but not enough that I’d need to act on it, I think the label and being treated differently would affect him more. He does have friends and copes well in school etc, getting more confident with age. He loves his brother, they get on, he’s always been a difficult child and his brother is the opposite so doesn’t get told off anywhere near as much and he resents that. But it’s just the negativity as you say, it’s draining. I don’t know how to parent it. He’s so beyond reasoning with.

This sounds very tough, OP, and also exhausting. What I would watch out for is two things: Taking it personally (i.e. worrying this is something aimed at you) - hard when that's exactly what he's saying! But he is a child and struggling with regulating his emotions.

Secondly, getting locked into a negative cycle. Never, never express frustration by asking a child what's wrong with them or why are they like this - you have to talk about yourself. "I am finding it hard to understand why... I am frustrated because..." and only ask a question if simply curious to hear your child's perspective (he is very unlikely though to be able to analyse what is bothering him when he lashes out / pushes your buttons).

Finally, try to find things about him that you like, and which help you connect, and go from there. Aim for cooperation. I have no idea why, but some children do not want to cooperate. I was such a child, and one of mine is the same - in retrospect I find it baffling, but there you are. I was not a people pleaser, but if someone liked me and showed an interest (not my parents, who thought I was just pushing boundaries for the sake of it) that made it easier.

It's likely that this behaviour is something he will grow out of (my child did, I like to think I did) so keep the relationship in mind and try to accept him, even when you may have to make clear what behaviour is not ok, but really try hard to build on any improvements you see - look hard for those! It's so important not to worry about occasional lapses along the way - so many times I thought we were back to square one, when it was just a dip along a basically positive line of improvement.

I seem to have written an essay! Go easy on yourself... you are a great mother and obviously love your boys!

My 7yo can be like this. Very intense personality. We are having a really difficult few weeks with her atm. I think if it continues for a few more weeks without us figuring out why though I'm going to ask the GP for iron and vit D bloods for her though because I remember when she was similar for awhile at age 5 it turned out she had a bit of an iron deficiency. And she was much happier once that was resolved.

Does he get enough sleep? Being tired also can cause this. How much screen time does he get as I also find that worsens behaviour?

Look up at peace parents. You don't have to buy or subscribe to anything, just see if what she says resonates. Facebook page is probably better than the website for an initial look.

Has he just started year 1 and has it got worse now or has he it always been like this?

What is his diet/sleep like? Any sensory issues.

I thinl most 6 year olda would complain about a walk for a walks sake unless you wrap it up in some thing else.

What issues do you think suggests ND? If you share the specific issues maybe posters can make some suggestions?

You need a ND assessment so you can get the correct support for him and for you.

This I lost it with him this morning and said why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to be so rude and angry and grumpy about everything? Don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you want to be positive about anything, ever? is completely inappropriate for a 6yo, even more so one who may be ND and is clearly struggling.

You urgently need more help, and so does he.

It does sound as though you both may be locked into a negative cycle as a PO has said.

Have you read 10 days to a less defiant child?

What may also be going on is that he is having trouble with transitioning from one activity to another, which might be why he reacted to “let’s go out for a walk” so badly. He may need a little more notice that he’s expected to do something different wirh a countdown? So maybe say “In 10 minutes we’re going to get our coats on and go for a walk”. “DC it’s 5 minutes till we go out for a nice walk”. “Now is 2 minutes till we go outside”.

What’s also coming across is that he doesn’t seem to be expressing how he’s feeling without shouting.

Has he ever had SaLT involved? How does he do on this progress checker?

I have similar dynamics with my two. With the oldest (now 5yo boy) being happy go lucky, always making everything into a game, generally happy. Whilst my nearly 3yo girl is absolutely miserable, negative, everything is no, no, no. It is very draining!