I hate being with my kids :(

[imnotokactually]

I need some moral support/a pep talk.

I have a 14 month old and a just turned 4 year old and I hate being with them. I feel really sad/bad saying this but I can't get out of this headspace. It's ok when another adult is around, but when I'm on my own with them (which is most of the time) it's horrible. They are amazing kids, I love them both dearly, and could not imagine my life without them, but I just cannot stand being with them either!! How is that possible??

My 4 year old doesn't stop talking, incessant meaningless chatter, and a lot of it I don't even understand (shouldn't I be able to understand my own kid?). He never does what I ask him to (unless he's bribed), argues with everything I say, doesn't sit still, doesn't focus on anything for any length of time (I want to build Lego with him but he does it for 5 mins and gets bored), asks constant questions (why, why, why??), does things to purposely annoy me (I know it's just for attention)... I know none of these things are weird/anything to worry about and are just typical of a 4 year old boy but I cant stand any of it :(

The 14 month old is a pretty good baby, but she's incredibly needy. I can't cook dinner, do the washing, tidy up etc without her constantly crying while I do it. And as I am on my own 80% of the time I have to leave her while I do these things and just deal with the intense screamy cries.

Today and tomorrow I have them both all day and I woke up with dread. A whole two days stretching out ahead of me with no break, just me and them. I can't take them out as the 4 year old runs amok, he loves to hide in shops and run away, then I can't chase him as I have the buggy. It's always a nightmare so safer to stay inside, but then it's the constant talking that I can't deal with, and keeping them both entertained. I did go out this morning to let the 4 year old choose a prize for good behaviour, but he didn't seem to get it and I feel like the meaning of it didn't really land.

I'm also worried he'll notice I don't like being with him, as he's getting older now and I know how intuitive kids are. I'm constantly sighing and huffing and snapping. I must be horrible to be around myself tbh!!

I guess what I'm asking is - does it get better? Please tell me it's just their ages and it gets more fun. I have always wanted kids and thought I'd love it so i'm so disappointed that I hate it :( I keep thinking "at this age it will be better" but it hasn't got better so far. I'm hoping when I can watch a movie with them, don't have a pram with me all the time so I can go where I want, can focus on a task/game together it will hopefully be better...?? Please tell me your experiences and whether how I feel is normal or not!!

You are genuinely in the hardest part of having little children. I look back on those ages as when I was at my most tired. In my opinion the ages between about 5 and 10 are the golden years when it all gets a lot easier and I actually started enjoying spending time with them. Early teen years are tough, but in a different way.

Agree that these ages are a real low point.

I used to call them growing days. Growing days with small children can be hard.. and long and mindlessly boring.. and being alone all day doesn’t help! So here here are my tricks of the trade..
being outside in nature feeding ducks on balance bike in the park (with helmet) with baby in the buggy, is good for everyone especially you.. then lunch then some tv If baby is crying, can you get a backpack sling and stick her up there??
simple cheap fun is good, relax about the mess.. ( but those box pouffes are great to fling toys into in the evening) so baking… rolling dough.. art.. get support from other moms in your area, library groups..
then one afternoon a week get childcare . go to yoga, meet a friend, go out for your sanity..
I’ve teenagers now, and their screen time is ridiculous, unless I’m doing something with them..

Is there nowhere you can take them? I have similar aged children and I can’t be inside with them for more than an hour without losing my mind. I have to go out. What about a kids farm or some kind of secure outdoor place where your 4yo can charge around and you’re not worried about losing him? I often use a backpack carrier for my toddler when out with the 4yo so I can be more nimble (although to be fair, he doesn’t run away). Things will get easier x

Reins for the 4 year old and a stern talking to if he does try and run off as he’s 4 not 2!!!

get a Manduca baby carrier for the baby - they are designed not to pull your shoulders or back etc so are massively convenient as so comfortable and easy to get on with life with a baby/toddler. I still had my not so little girl in it when she was 20kg and the height of a 4 year old as she’s very tall. She fell asleep in it when I was getting on with jobs as was a clinging limpet and it allowed me to get life done as you have 2 arms spare!

Trick is find your tribe.. find other moms in the same boat.. hang out together, support each other.. I heard a mom say one time about crawling toddlers.. “ look as long as it’s today’s, or yesterday’s food on the floor.. that’s fine!”

I suspect for most of us it's easier to look after toddlers communally with friends or family in similar situations. Even if the child to adult ratio in the group is the same it's just easier somehow.

They are horrible ages. The 4 yo has mobility and speech but no impulse control and boys in particular have so much energy. And babies are just dull! I remember the feeling of dread. It's not that you don't like them, it's that it is boring and hard which is a lethal combination IMO. It does get easier.

I went back to work to avoid this! Can you do the same? I loved it.

If not then as someone said, you need friends with kids the same age so you can go somewhere and let the 4 yo run off some energy. Make plans every day if you can so you're not alone at home with them.

Why would you take them to shops? Take them to a child friendly place.

Definitely reins for the 4 year old. Of course he will kick off but he needs to learn he can't run off or hide from you. I have a 3 year age gap for mine, I also used reins as I couldn't run with a pram. You are in the thick of it at the moment because they both need you and need different things from you.

As your eldest has just turned 4 I am assuming they start school next year. Do they attend a preschool nursery at all?

You have to cook and do stuff so your youngest just has to learn you are still there but cannot pick them up and carry them all the time. Crying is just communicating they are unhappy with it. They are not in pain, you are right there. You just have to crack on. I constantly put music on, songs for the children not Slipknot and sang along in a hope to engage them.

If you were a shit parent you wouldn't care, but you do care.

My 4 year old doesn't stop talking, incessant meaningless chatter, and a lot of it I don't even understand (shouldn't I be able to understand my own kid?

Does he have a speech delay? At 4 it's probably outside normal development range if you can't understand him..

Do you work? Are either of the kids in preschool / nursery?

This is the point I started online supermarket shops! It’s a tough period but gets easier. People dread teen years but I’m much happier with now independent dc. They cost a bloody fortune though.

This paired with unable to take a 4 year old out in case they run off and hide plus not understanding being good and having a reward from the shop x

On the one hand, I agree with other posters that this is a terrible age. And it's bloody hard having an active four year old and a baby - I speak from experience.

At a practical level, I think you need to find the right environments. We did a LOT of soft play at that age - we were lucky that we had a big one that DS could do a lot by himself while DD could be entertained in the more baby-friendly section (we had a membership. It was a life saver). Swimming, while annoying, was also quite good as they're contained in the pool (assuming the 4 year old doesn't need to be holding onto you at all times and/or you can keep them in the baby pool section if you have one). Definitely 100% find like minded parents to hang out with - sometimes it's just about meeting at a different house. Feed ducks/walk etc - but with reins if he has a habit of running off.

I would say however that some of this does not sound normal. 4 year olds aren't great speakers, it's true, but you should be able to largely understand what he's saying. So if you can't, that suggests his speech is behind. He is also clearly quite high energy which could just be personality - in which case even MORE reason to find ways to get out the house with him - but could also be sensory seeking behaviour or a sign of ADHD. I wouldn't ay you should be doing anything about that at this stage, but it's a consideration.

Also, I always feel for children who are 4 but still have a whole year until school - there's a lot to be said for the structure and routine and busyness of school. Can you send him to nursery a couple of mornings a week?

I find 4 a really draining age. Even my youngest who is the easiest so far is 4 just now and going through a majorly frustrating phase. I find they have the intelligence and logic but they also have the stubbornness of an ox and if they get into a mood where they want to use the combination against you and it happens to coincide with a mood where I have no sense of humour it just makes for a very bad time.

That is a good point about the understanding - if you're not understanding him because his speech is unclear, it would be a good idea to take that observation to your GP or health visitor (or just hire a private SLT if you have the cash - it will be much quicker).

If you mean he's just talking nonsense because he's playing you the stream of consciousness from inside his head, that is standard 4yo stuff IME. Apparently they develop the "mind's voice" a bit later so you will see them start to whisper to themselves and then finally be able to think inside their head.

It is a good sign (developmentally) if he is saying things out loud because it means he does have that ability to think things through, although it doesn't always mean they have good impulse control in the moment.

Does he go to nursery? I find that's invaluable to get a bit of breathing space and he should be eligible for a free preschool only type place, if you can't justify/afford the cost of a nursery for childcare.

Also do you have mum friends with children of similar ages where you can go to toddler groups or meet up at the park or each others' houses? That's a sanity saver, especially if you can get together every now and then in the evenings without the kids.

IME you have to treat them a bit like dogs - keep food on hand at all times to use as bribes, expect to have to "train" rules/expectations a lot with a huge amount of repetition, and they need at least one daily walk and possibly brain games or similar at home to wear them out otherwise you can't really blame them for destroying the house and your sanity. Higher energy kids might need 2x walks per day. They are exhausting!

And the weird tip that I have is incorporate "must sit on toilet for at least 5 mins" into the bedtime routine because if they are uncomfortable due to holding onto a poo, it seems to ramp all their behaviour/unreasonableness up to 11.

You have my sympathies,
You pretty much just described my four-year-old son. It’s half term here, and he’s gone to his grandma’s for two days so we can work, and the whole house has breathed a sigh of relief.

The huge amount of energy, and constant chatter Teamed with what a lot of other posters have said, the stubbornness of an ox, really is complicated at the moment. It’s tantrum central here. Most mornings I need half an hour before I sit at my desk to ‘reset’ from the drama.

Not perfect parenting but, when I need a bit of peace from the chatter we have an Amazon cheap iPad and some Bluetooth over ear headphones and I plug him into that and he watches tv for half a hour. If I was in mental desperation I’d do that 2-3 times a day as a temporary stop gap.

blippi etc and bbc kids are quite educational.

that and a soft play with a friend who has a child to play with your son?

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. Of course, since I posted a few days ago I've had zero free time to reply! That's the other thing, having no time to myself, it was hard even finding the time to write and post the rant in the first place 😂

@notaweddingdress @Mullaghanish @QuickPeachPoet I do take them to the park/soft play but even that's boring, but I do do it! I try my best to make sure they have a nice day. We did trick or treating on 31st which was so much fun, it's activities like that that make me realise there are some good bits to all this.

@TeenLifeMum I have already switched to online supermarket shopping - it's the only way 😂

@boymamahere @SodaPopEarWorm I do work part time from home, so they are in childcare a lot of the time, which makes me feel even more guilty for feeling like I do because I actually don't have them all day every day like many of you assumed - although I get that by the way I was talking it seemed like I never got a break from them lol. Even between pick up time and bed time is hard. Then getting them ready in the mornings too. @JustReacher you hit the nail on the head describing it as "boring and hard" I'd be ok with just one or the other!

@ShenandoahRiver @JadziaD @BertieBotts Re the 4 year old, it has been mentioned he might have ADHD and it's a strong possibility. The speech thing I'm not sure, it is mainly the stream of consciousness thing that's annoying and maybe I'm just not listening properly to understand. He didn't start speaking until he was 2.5 though so may be a bit of a delay thing.

Anyway I do feel a bit better knowing I'm at the most difficult ages. Thank you again!

I remember sitting on the floor crying with my two small children screaming beside me..they are only 18 months apart in age. I thought "is this what my life will be like now, forever?" They are mid-thirties now with kids of their own 😄 that time of my life went by sooo fast, and now I miss it! I even went on to have two more! What I'm saying is that it feels like forever at the moment but it WILL get better!

Thank you for this. Amazing that that memory stayed with you all this time 😅 I have been there crying with them too.... The days sure are long....

I don’t mean this unkindly at all but is your four year old really typical ? Because some of what you’ve described I wouldn’t expect at that age (and I’m a nanny with a lot of experience plus a four year old boy of my own) have you considered ADHD? Might be worth exploring it.

I obviously enjoy most aspects of looking after children or it wouldn’t be my profession but if it can be avoided I do not stay inside with them. Optimum is morning activity, preferably with a lot of physical exercise and fresh air, but soft play will do if weather inclement, hone for lunch/nap/quiet time, then up and out in afternoon. Sometimes this does include going to the shops or whatever but only if they’ve had a physical activity in the morning, and the older ones are kept engaged with their own shopping list/packing the trolley/just something. They certainly aren’t allowed to run off. I’d be horrified at a four year old doing that on my watch and he’d get a sharp telling off and a reminder of the rules and boundaries.

I also let older children help around the house/chop mushrooms with a safe knife, anything to keep them engaged. What sort of activities does yours like to do? Would he colour or play independently? I really encourage independent play. I’m happy to set up a game idea to spark their imagination like pirates hunting for treasure with the playmobile for example but after that they’re on their own. It definitely takes some time to build that skill though.

I have no real advice but also wanted to add to the posters who said these are really difficult ages; they are. My youngest at 15 months used to scream from 4pm for dinner and then constantly turn off the oven, so if I didn't notice straight away, everything stopped cooking! I also had a 2 and 4 yr old so couldn't put a gate up (semi open plan). We changed our dinners for a month or so until it stopped.

It just seems endless when you're in it and you feel like you'd just like your life to stop for a bit. My mantra with no 1 was that I wanted a pause button, so that I could just catch my breath. After no 2 I wanted a stop button and after 3, it was just a mute button....as long as it was quiet, I could cope.

Whenever elderly ladies stopped me in the supermarket, it was to say 'make the most of it when they're this age' and I could have quite happily throttled them. When I look back now, I think that apart from the intense cuteness of the earlier ages, my favourite time with them was when their were approx 11, 9 and 7....fully capable, had a fun opinion but still children.

Mine are now 25, 23 and almost 21 and I love them all dearly as adults, but do occasionally miss them as children.
It does get better, I promise!