Sadness my baby growing up

[Thelonelymumma]

Hi. I’m feeling quite sad basically I lost my dad who was my world my happiness and my best friend I lost him last year he took his own life in his bedroom I saw him that way too which haunts me now without him I have no one to talk to I have my beautiful 4 year old son who started reception without him I feel so so lonely sounds selfish but sad school is changing him making him grow up quicker I keep worrring for my future I have no partner no friends as I’m so shy person just keep thinking when my son grows up and moves out one day I be lonely in a 4 bed house by myself no family left my dad was my rock. I’ve seen lots of people say when their kids grow up they hardly see their parents and it scares me to death. I feel so so depressed these special moments with me and my son is changing now because of school I can’t imagine he not saying mumma I love you everyday like he does and wants me to cuddle next to
him every night and it’s been us two for 4 years since school I feel lost helpless and lonely anyone else feel this way is there something wrong with me most mums love taking their kids to school I feel sadness every day in January my child turns 5 so he have to do full time at school then I’m dreading this the most :( I work self employed but can’t imagine being that long without my baby :(

I’m so, so sorry about your DF. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through since he took his life.

Have you had any form of Counselling? If not, I would go to your GP and tell them how much you’re struggling and ask for some grief counselling, preferably with a Counsellor wirh experience of losing a loved one to suicide.

I totally get how you feel about your DS too. I think it’s natural to miss the closeness toh have when they’re little. He will always need you though, it’s just that he will start to build his own friendships now and explore the world a little more. Really that is a good thing, we want them to grow and that does include them growing away from us a little. Afterall, it would be a bit odd if he was 15, sleeping in your bed and you were his only friend

It does sound as though you’re a bit depressed. You should probably also tell your GP how you’re feeling.

If you can, start to write down how you want this next stage of your life to be whilst he is in Primary School.

If you’re self employed, do you need to work all of the hours that he’s in school or do you have time to join something like a walking group? I think walking groups are good of you’re shy because you can talk, or not if you prefer, and you’re not face to face when you do talk so it’s a little less intimidating. Plus you all have a focus and something to discuss which is the walk itself.

Going to yoga in the day might help too?

Also, have you found the bereavement section yet @Thelonelymumma? It might offer a bit of support after losing your DF

I think you need support with your grief and to begin to feel a bit stronger. You have bern through a lot. It is hard as dc grow and change but there are so many joys to come seeing him grow, become his own person and have adventures with you. Ds25 who does now live far away still says I love you when i speak or see him, he still has a hug and I have the joy of a hug from his lovely gf too. You have so much fun yet to have.

Be kind to yourself op. You are still grieving and have experienced trauma so it’s natural to be anxious about change, but that’s part of your son’s natural development, and a healthy normal thing.

Perhaps approach your gp and see if you can get some grief counselling?