My 11 year old daughter not interested in going out …

[Winterlover2020]

Hi just need a bit of reassurance… my daughter is 11 and just started secondary. Has settled in well and despite one hiccup with her primary school friend which was quickly sorted she seems to be making new friends. She’s a homebody loves being home with me and her dad (and her brother sometimes ha!) but doesn’t have any interest in hanging out with anyone outside of school - she has never liked the park just says it’s boring and I’m not sad to be honest as it gets quite dodgy round there! We see girls from her school hanging out but she’s not fussed (so she says) to not be asked as she’d rather be home is that ok? - I think school has been full on first term so she needs chill time! Just talk to others whose kids never want to be home and worry … she also doesn’t ever ask anyone to hang out so guess it’s just her and is she’s happy I should be happy and has my husband says don’t keep on she’s fine and she may change and then you’ll worry!!

Aw she’s really young. I wouldn’t worry about it. Loads of time for hanging out when she’s older.

Does she have friends?

Apart from that, nothing wrong with wanting to stay home. She’s only 11 so might not yet be totally focused on peers vs family. Enjoy it while you can 🤗

Do you do plenty of family activities in sociable settings? If you do then I would not worry. If not I might be a little bit concerned that she may find it difficult interacting with others as she gets older.

As my now 18 year old put it when I was worried about him a few years ago - "do you want to hang out with everyone you've worked with, or do you just want to chill after work?"
He then told me that although he had "friends" at school that he enjoyed being with at school, after school and at weekends etc he just wanted to chill and be totally away from school and anything to do with school

Could just be massive overwhelm at starting secondary. It’s such a big adjustment and change. I would really go with the flow on this one and not worry (and I’m a huge worrier)

My 12 year old daughter is like this. Plenty of friends at school and at her extra curricular activities but just rarely wants to go out and “hang around” with friends outside of that. I’m not worried, it might come when they get a bit older

I wouldn't want an 11 Yr old hanging round the park anyway! Encourage to invite a friend round occasionally, maybe offer to pay for a cinema trip for them but school can be pretty full on and she probably just wants to chill. My son never wanted to go to other people's houses after school or go/have sleepovers when he was that age. He's 17 now, super sociable, lots of friends, parties galore but he's still home every weekend by 11 because he loves his bed!

Could she invite a friend round? I don’t think it’s great for kids not to be sociable, they need to learn to make plans and navigate relationships. I don’t think she has to
go out for that though. It’s there a calm outside activity she might enjoy- book club, painting workshop?

My mum always used to nag me that I should be ‘going out, having fun’ when I was a teenager and hated it. Firstly because I already had a full on schedule with school, a job, and sport. But mostly because it was about her regrets, not what suited me. I’m an introvert who values quiet time at home by myself. It made me feel she couldn’t see me as my own person.

Be thankful. Its just bloody drama usually

Does she have hobbies out of the house?

Mine never did hanging around streets or park (neither did I as I thought it was dull tbh) they chose to do stuff instead like cadets, different sports, st john ambulance, scouts etc

If that's the only issue, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with it.

My little cousin was exactly the same, home was her comfort, she just wasnt fussed about going out at all. She’s just turned 21 and is in her third year at university quite far away with no plans to come home once she graduates 😀

My daughter is like this. Shes 14 now. I noticed from a very young age she had friends but was never really close to anyone. For example she never had a best friend. Then she went onto secondary school and she says she has friends but shes never invited anywhere. I brought one of the girls from school on a day out to the cinema but it was torture as they simply didnt talk! She plays sports and the girls on the team seem to be more her type. I brought one of these girls to a game a few hours away and they chatted all day and seemed to have great fun. These girls are attending a different school and i have debated if it would be best to move her after her exams next year - this is possible. I sometimes think i'm not helping by pointing out the obvious. She tells me shes happy and i think im going to leave her see how this year goes. A new girl started school recently and she has taken to my Daughter however my daughter says shes very quite,. She came from another culture and they just dont have similar interests.

As long as shes happy and content at home. I confided in a teacher recently at her school and she said shes never alone so i must let her work this out herself and support her.

My Year 7 daughter just wants to be at home reading and drawing. I think school can be a lot... big crowd, noisy, aggressive... they need quiet time.

I was the same, just stayed at home with my parents outside of school. Only had one friend that I occaisonally met up with. I saw my Grandma once a week on a Sunday, and went out to the supermarket and did other things with my parents. Nothing wrong with it x

Mine is a homebody but I get her out of her room everyday to get some fresh air, lay off the sugar and have some downtime from her screen. Too much sugar and screen time makes her ratty and irritable and prone to tears and I don't want to go down the anxiety route.

DD is like this, but she is ASD. I’d say going out isn’t half the fun it was when I was 11 in the 80s. Going to town was fun, although we didn’t do it much as that age as we had no money.
i never hung around shops/streets which seemed a stupid thing to do

I didnt want to hang out with school friends at the weekends either.
I already saw them 5 days a week for 6/7 hours each day.....I wanted a break!

Introverts don’t need to be fixed. Leave them be.

I rarely went out with school friends or had them round at that age. I did a few extra curricular things and that was enough. I think most people would say I'm pretty sociable and always have been.

shes really young still and as you say, secondary school is full on to start with. Take it as a compliment that she wanted to spend time with you all now. There will be years to come when you’re picking her up at midnight and wishing you weren’t!

My DDs are 14 and 16. They don’t go out, they’re not really interested. Maybe a couple of years ago they were out and about with friends meeting up in town, but they’d rather be at home and see their friends at school or walk home with them.

Mine took until year 8 to want to see people outside of school. Even then it's in the holidays, she's happy to chill at home at weekends

Of course its ok to be content at home. Does she have other interests like drama or dancing or sport or scouts/guides. If so her friendships may likely come from there. Dont worry and don't make her think it worries you. She sounds to be fine .

Is she on screens much when she is home? I ask because most children I know who want to be home all the time are spending lots of time on screens. They don't want to go out and do things with friends because the safe, snug, comfy option is to stay on the sofa at home looking at their phone, computer or TV. Not saying this is your DD, OP! Just something to consider maybe.