8 year old son keeps hitting little sister

[Lemonloulou]

As it says on the title really! The thing is though he’s doing it when he thinks no one is watching and it’s normally during ‘play’ but looks really quite aggressive; I’ve caught him behaving like this a number of times recently. For example, I was watching them play in the garden today from the kitchen window and he just started randomly slapping her across the back of the head repeatedly. My daughter was fine and didn’t seem fazed, but this concerns me too - how often does he do it that I’m not aware of?

I just don’t really know how to deal with it. If it’s done in anger during an argument I can understand the motivation behind it and use tools to deescalate etc. I don’t know what is prompting what appears to be an aggressive outburst in a playful situation and other than previously telling him not to lay hands on anyone in that way and pointing out he is twice the size and strength of his sister so could really hurt her, even if he doesn’t mean to.

There have been no concerns raised by school or friends etc in terms of behaviour/violence (I’ve been told he can boisterous but this is when he’s matching classmates’ behaviour, rather than him being OTT) and he is generally a very affectionate, nice boy.

Any tips would be gratefully received!

So he is 8 yrs old and old enough to know that what he is doing is wrong.
You've tried telling him not to do it and clearly he isn't listening and is still doing it.
You need to start dishing out the punishments every time he does it and don't leave them together until you can trust him.

I agree with PP. 8 is quite old to be doing this imo and it's obviously not fair on his sister.

This is what I’ve done today, sent him straight to his bedroom and told him he’s to stay in there until I call him down for tea tonight. Not much of a punishment with toys and books in there but at least it keeps them separate for now!

For my child there would be an immediate consequence followed by a chat about why it is not acceptable, apologise etc. And how the consequence will escalate next time.

I think it is fairly normal but it does need corrected.

He's old enough to know better. The age gap is also significant because he's hitting someone much younger and vulnerable.

If he's not exhibiting this behaviour at school then I'd say it's probably a jealousy issue with his younger sibling.

I think you need to speak to him about his role as a big brother and what responsibility comes with that. He needs to teach his little sister and guide her and keep her safe. You can then reward him with attention and praise when he shows these positive behaviours.

Also make sure you are giving him enough attention relative to the 4 year old. Maybe some quality 1 on 1 time once the youngest has gone to bed?

Equally, alongside the above, you'll need to intervene each time he hits her and let him know that it's unacceptable and will come with consequences.

I think my first approach would be 'I can't trust you to be with your sister, so you'll have to come and help me with whatever chore I'm currently doing.' And he needs to do something nice for his sister to make it up to her. I'd want him to think about what this might be, but would make suggestions if necessary – read her her favourite book, play a game she likes and he doesn't, let her choose the film on Saturday night even though it's his turn, make her something, whatever. When we're unkind, it takes work to put it right.

This is really helpful, thank you! I’ve tried explaining about her being smaller and more vulnerable and he should be protecting her, not hurting her etc but it’s been directly after an incident when things still feel a bit heated. I need to have that conversation in a calmer environment I think!

These are useful tactics that I’ll definitely try, thank you! I just felt so angry after the incident today (hence this post!) that I couldn’t even think of a practical way to try and tackle it other than shouting at him (not useful, I know) and separating them, so these are suggestions I can definitely use.

So what are you doing to address his behaviour and to ensure your daughters safety?
You need to supervise him at all time around her as he can’t be trusted and by not doing so you are allowing the behaviour.

I would give a consequence for this, not sending to room unless he does need to calm down. He sounds perfectly calm, so I would do something like remove a privilege (stop pocket money/screen time) or give him an extra job or something. Of course, if he would consider being sent to his room a consequence, then that's fine.

I very rarely use consequences in this way (someone will be along to insist it is a punishment, you can call it that if you prefer) but I do think they are useful for clear lines under things like violence. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic or severe but it should be marked with something.

IME this kind of thing is boundary testing - he wants to see how far he can go, and at which point you'll step in and stop him. I doubt it's jealousy.

Have you asked him why he does it OP?

I’d have gone mental at this to the point I’d have put the fear of god in him, he wouldn’t have even thought about doing it again. It’s sibling on sibling abuse. It’s gone on unnoticed for so long that this little girl didn’t even react while her brother stood there and repeatedly walloped her across the head. And he gets a timeout with his toys and a word from his mum ffs

Poor little girl.
I totally agree @Danioyellow , he’s old enough to know better but he’s getting away with it on a regular basis and your ‘punishment’ barely counts as such.
How long has this been going on ffs?

Yes and normally he says that she’s done something to provoke it and I’ve obviously explained that it doesn’t matter what she’s done, his reaction should never be to physically hurt her or physically retaliate if he’s accused her of hitting him first. However today is the first time I’ve seen it happen start to finish, completely out of the blue, with no provocation from his sister.

I did go mental 🤷‍♀️ but that’s not going to change anything long term or address the reasons why he’s doing it, which is why I’m asking for practical tips that will help me gauge from him why he’s doing this and change that behaviour towards his sister.

I really disagree with this advice. His role is to treat her with respect, he's a child not a parent and she's not his responsibility to protect or teach (though of course it's lovely when siblings organically support each other). Trying to push the narrative that his 'job' is to look after her is likely to make the situation worse.

OP, I would very clearly spell out that violence isn't acceptable regardless of whether she's provoking him or not. But give him alternatives (he could ask her to stop once, walk away, or come and tell you). If he doesn't follow your advice and uses any violence whatsoever, make sure there are appropriate consequences.

It doesn't really matter why he's doing it.
You may never know.

And he may not know why.
It can be dangerous to hit anyone about the head and you must stamp on it immediately.
It is totally unacceptable.
It is not in the same league as being greedy selfish rude unkind.
2 years later and he is criminally responsible.
I think you should make that clear to him in the most serious way.

We had this once between two of mine. He was only 6 then, though. He pushed her and she fell down half a flight of stairs, narrowly missing a glass table in the hallway. I gave him the smacked arse of his life for it and it never happened again. I was furious, he could have killed her. He grew up to be a very good big brother. Its just a phase but not one I had any tolerance for.

This is an interesting theory regarding the boundary testing - there’s definitely jealousy (and competitiveness) between them but his sister is actually worse for this than him, so I’ve never thought this was the trigger.

@Lemonloulou

Please get some professional intervention. There’s a reason this is happening and he feels entitled to hurt his sister, and a reason she isn’t retaliating or reacting (for example, not wanting to make things worse, or accepting it as being OK which won’t bode well for future relationships).

I have been that younger sibling and it is horrendous. Our parents never did anything to resolve it, beyond “don’t do that, it’s not nice” and grounding him for a while which was completely ineffective.

My sibling grew up getting worse and worse and as an adult, is a violent and aggressive bully. I wouldn’t wish that on you, your son or your daughter. This is NOT a criticism of you or your son - you are right to be concerned though and it’s great you want to stop it.

Where you can get professional help from is unclear, but maybe your GP and / or school as a first step? Or family counselling?

Apologies, I've no advice as to exactly what you should do but agree you need to do something to really get through to him that this behaviour is unacceptable. I was the little sister in this scenario, also with a 4 year age gap. From the minute my mum brought me home as a baby he was very jealous of me and violent towards me. Tales of him throwing his toys at me as a newborn were told as if they were funny stories. All through my childhood he was physically and verbally abusive towards me, yet, if I complained to my parents, then I was the one who got told off for "telling tales". The sly thumps and secret name calling just became an accepted part of my childhood to me. To everyone else he was the perfect child but to me he was just a bully. We have been NC for years. For your daughter's sake I hope you can get him to stop.

With a four year age gap, it's only natural for the younger to look up to the elder.

That places responsibility on the elder sibling, in my opinion.

Siblings have to work on their relationships with each other!

I agree @Naanspiration , when I’m telling my son he should be protecting his sister it’s the sentiment that as siblings/family, we look out for each other and help each other and there’s a responsibility as an older sibling that his behaviour massively impacts his younger sibling.

IMO if it's boundary testing in the way I'm thinking it is totally irrelevant to the quality of the relationship between them, it's more that for whatever reason he has classified his sister as a person who it's probably OK to thump, whereas presumably, he doesn't hit other children at school (or you'd hear about it) and he doesn't hit you.

Some siblings do fight physically and parents don't always intervene, thinking it's "six of one half a dozen of the other" (esp if they are the same sex and close in age) - so it could have been something he's seen between friends for example.

Anyway, I'd keep an eye on it and definitely address it immediately any time you see it happen and hopefully it will stop. Do check in with DD as well and make it clear to her that you won't tolerate it and she must tell you if he ever hurts her.

Definitely this. Jealousy could be the motive, so he needs plenty of attention himself.