How do you make things equal/as fair as possible between two older children/as they go into adulthood?

[spoonbillstretford]

I was just reading threads about unequal inheritances/unfair financial treatment by parents and am very keen to treat DDs fairly. They are 20 and 16 now, get on very well and I'd never want anything we do to drive a wedge between them.

DD1 is at university (for five years!) and we are giving her about £500 a month for this. DD2 looks like she won't go to university and will get a job or apprenticeship straight after FE college at 17/18. They both worked PT from 16 and DD2 still gets pocket money. At the same time DD2 needed more support until now, never got on with secondary school and we paid for some private tutoring and private exams for her GCSEs which cost a fair bit though nothing like the cost of university for five years.

How do you approach things like this? I have to say it hasn't been so far an issue between them but I wouldn't want it to be and it would be good to have a plan. Would be grateful to hear how other parents deal with things.

As long as each offer is available to both girls then it's fine if one doesn't want/need to take you up on it.

Would you support DD2 through five years of Uni/training if she wanted you to? Would you have got a tutor for DD1 if she'd needed it? I assume the answer is yes to both so you're treating them equally.

Carry on as you are.

Sounds like you're helping financially with stuff that they need but your children are going down different paths so don't need the same level of financial support. I'm sure if dd2 wanted to go to university you would fund it and I expect she probably knows this.

There are some things that they both will want which some parents pay for if they can afford (e.g. driving lessons, house deposit). I would just make sure that they both get the same with these things but if they're going down different life paths I don't think you need to even it out necessarily. I would only make sure it's even for stuff they both need/want or for anything not needed like holidays, birthday gifts etc.

If you are worried you can ask them "I want to treat you both fairly. Do you feel that you are treated fairly?" Invite their honesty and see what they say.

I don’t believe you should equalise anything, at least that would be my approach:
Once DD1 graduates, the subsidy will stop (and if she decides to study further then you could at this point tell her that she pays for it OR that you subsidises but her sister will receive the cash equivalent).
Similarly, I would let DD2 live home for free until she is in safe employment and has had time to save for a deposit.

One of mine went to uni, one didn't, it was slightly easier than your situation as they are twins. The one who went out to work instead of uni was allowed to live at home without paying any contribution until the other had finished uni. I thought that made it fairer.

I agree with this. I don’t think you need to offer DD2 the same amount of money just to even it up. I’d support her with whatever path she wanted to go down, and that may require different financial help.

My parents gave my sister money during first year of uni because she was allocated a more expensive accommodation. They gave her the difference between that and the cheaper option. In my opinion that was reasonable and I didn’t feel hard done by that I didn’t get any money at uni.
When they subsequently gave her £70k towards her house deposit while offering me nothing (we bought at the same time), I did find that grossly unfair and upsetting tbh. It’s damaged the relationship.

@ShesTheAlbatross wow that's horrible, what was their reasoning behind that decision!

Yes that did cross my mind, it's a good idea, thank you. Normally I'd say once they are at home at working but not in FT education they have to contribute - not rent but covering costs - and not charging would be a good way to do it.

And yes also, DD2 could still decide to go to university later, with a foundation course or similar and we'd support that also.

They “didn’t want her to struggle with the mortgage”. My parents don’t really tolerate being questioned on their decisions so I’m not sure why it was felt that she needed this help more than me and my other sister (who also bought a house around the same time, give or take 6 months).