Working and parenting - am I doing something wrong?

[Workingmumtrying]

I have a 16mo daughter who is lovely. She goes to nursery 4 days a week. I work as a secondary school teacher, as does my husband.

I have only been back at work for 1 term but I am so exhausted and I just don’t understand how people do it, to the point now where I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Have colleagues that have 3 children and they seems to be holding it together better than I am.

I think my daughter is a good sleeper - she usually does about 10hrs over night but obviously everyone now and then after vaccinations or because of teething she’ll have a disrupted week of sleep. I think that’s normal? She doesn’t sleep perfectly at nursery but she usually manages 1hr10 (she’s already on 1 nap) which is obvs not ideal but we can usually manage it on her day off.

I really really struggle to sleep. I go to bed at around 8pm but then I basically am awake from 2am with anxiety that she’ll wake up, particularly after periods of disruption as described above. I also have quite intrusive thoughts about work which I find difficult to switch off.

I’m just so tired, my husband is tired. Baby is currently overtired after disrupted sleep due to vaccinations. I honestly feel like I’m doing something wrong because no one else at work with kids seems to find this so hard. I don’t know, I’m just looking to see if what I’m doing is wrong.

I live away from parents so don’t have that support either.

Going back to work after mat leave is a big adjustment, so I’m not surprised you’re tired. I wonder if you’re seeing people with older children, who are more settled into the routine of working and parenting, and that’s what’s making it seem easier, from the outside? If you’ve only been back a term, you’re still adjusting into these new roles and routines.

But it seems a big priority should be sorting your own sleep. Occasional disruptions to sleep are normal: my own DC is 21 months and we’ve had a couple of disrupted nights recently due to cutting teeth. But if you’re regularly awake from 2am and unable to sleep, that’s going to be a major part of your exhaustion, versus most of what your DD might throw at you. Getting help for your intrusive thoughts and anxiety about DD’s sleep should be top of your agenda. If you’re a bit better rested overall, you’ll likely feel more control of things.

It's hard. Make sure your vitamins are all topped up. Iron, magnesium, b12 etc. Avoid caffeine if youre up with anxiety. I listen to audiobooks with a snoozeband to get more sleep and shut out the huge to do lists in my head.

My toddler is 14 months, I've been back at work full time since he was 6 months so I'm past the "adjusting after mat leave" period. I am exhausted.

The weekends are spent chasing after him (he has been walking since he was 10 months) as all he does is run and get into trouble. Both me and DH spend the weekends counting down the hours.

We've also had several molars and teeth, colds, flu, hand foot and mouth, all in the last 6 weeks so we haven't slept a full night since August.

No answers here.

100% normal.

Can you afford a cleaner while you adjust to work and family life?

We paid a babysitter to take our youngst child to the park or zoo early on Saturday morning to have a lie in. We simply needed the sleep so much at that period. We were exhausted.

Babysitter had breakfast for both of them and snacks (all packed the night before) with her. I just did 'nappy and clothes' and handed child over.
People thought it was ridiculous but those hourse of sleep really did wonders for us.

Melatonin helped me a lot to sleep better.

I think you definitely need to try sorting your sleep patterns out, a lot of parents I know go to bed really early, like 9.30 so they can catch up on sleep and feel ready to deal with the wake ups, early mornings and long days. It might not be every night but it does wonders to get a long nights sleep even a few nights a week

I don’t think this is normal. First and most obvious question - are you sure you aren’t pregnant again? If not, go to the GP and ask for iron levels to be tested (too high or too low can make you over tired) and probably general bloods as well.

Apart from the obvious physical issues, you need to look at your sleep patterns. If you are sleeping 8pm to 2am, that’s almost a full nights sleep but at the wrong time - not surprised that if you wake up at 2am you can’t get back to sleep. And it’s giving you no downtime when your DC is asleep either to have some time for yourself and relax and unwind; you need those couple of hours to chat to your DH, watch TV, read a book, etc. Could you try going to bed half an hour later each night and see if you can gradually move to sleeping at a more normal time? And if you do wake at 2am, read or listen to a podcast, don’t lie there panicking.

Hang in there though - it does get better.

I think if you ask most working parents they'd say they're tired! It's more than likely that your colleagues are putting their 'game face' on at work, fuelling themselves with coffee and collapsing knackered in the evening too!

You don't sound like you're getting enough sleep if you're waking at 2am and thinking about work etc or worrying that baby will wake. Maybe try some magnesium supplements, have a soak in a warm lavender bath and wind down with a book for an hour or so before bed. If you wake and have trouble getting back to sleep, you could try the Calm App, sleep meditations or sleep stories to help you drift off again.

Sorry you are having a hard time.
you sound exhausted.
the waking with anxiety seems to be a key problem.
it is hard and it’s ok to say so.
once you are all sleeping it should settle
could you have a night in a hotel to sleep alone and get a full nights sleep with no worry?

Yes, we are in bed by 9 at the latest without fail. Toddlers and small children notoriously wake at 5/6am for years so you need to get into that habit

Sending solidarity OP. I teach primary and returned from mat leave in September with DD2 (then 9 months old) and have been exhausted. Some days I feel on my knees, barely stringing a sentence together shattered. By the time both my girls are down it's gone 8pm and DH and I can barely muster the energy to get ourselves to bed. Add on to that we're in the worst time of year for nursery bugs and it's been a hellish couple of months! BUT, I tell myself it's normal and we're in the trenches right now! I know that as my eldest got older things felt more manageable, and I'm hoping that'll be the case this time around!

Just want to thank everyone for your comments. It’s made me feel better and that perhaps I should speak to dr about my anxiety at night. Thank you all and solidarity you too x

I second getting your iron levels tested and also vitamin D and thyroid (do some research into normal levels in case the results are marginal). Any of those can make you feel awful.

The Spatone iron and Better You vit D spray are good.

Everyone's different and your colleagues may be putting a brave face on!

I went back to work when dd1 was 11 months it almost broke me, I was so tired! Obviously she picked up every cough and cold going at nursery - which I then caught - oh god I hate to think of that first year back, it was brutal.

It's not parenting or work that makes you exhausted. It's lack of sleep. I would try to tackle that first. With a short course of sleeping pills if necessary. You could also try some hypnotherapy recordings you can purchase off the Internet. I often use them during the day if I didn't get many hours of sleep at night. Dozing off for 10-15 minutes during the day could be surprisingly refreshing