Struggling with 7 year old-Rude words, hitting

[Lat321]

Hi, we are really struggling with our almost 7 year old. He has alwayss been getting upset easily hover since last few months it's really gone up a lot. At the slightest sign of not getting what he wants, he will start using rude words (no swearing, just rude), banging doors and throwing things. Very impulsive at times. He says I wish parents were dead which breaks our heart.

He is fine in school and also at clubs he goes. He is doing well on school academically. He gets frustrated easily and very active.But would also watch TV for couple of hours without moving (we only watch TV at weekend and school holidays). He is not shy when outside. but has recently started hitting us and using rude words outside as well. He uses rude words on other family members as well.

Sometimes his anger will go away on 5 mins, sometimes lasts for longer. We have tried to talk to him when he's calm. He acknowledges but no change in behaviour next day.

There is no real change in circumstances that could explain this.

We are happy to seek help but I don't know what could be the reason and how to seek help.

Thanks for reading my message

What consequences do you have when he's rude?
Talking when he's calm is all very well, but he needs to learn it's unacceptable.
Have you asked him if something is bothering him? Particularly if it's a recent change.

Talk about things he can do when he is angry to help him calm down. Practice them when he is calm. Maybe make a list that he can refer to. Explain that it is Ok to be angry but not to hit or be rude. He can choose to do something from his list but if he chooses to hit or be rude the consequences will be ( 10 mins less screen time or whatever will have an impact - make it meaningful but not too harsh). Say that you are happy to talk about what is making him angry but not while he is hitting etc .

Then when he is angry, ask him to chose something from the list to do. Praise him when he tries something from the list "I like the way you stopped and took some slow deep breaths).

I wouldn't worry too much about him saying he wishes you were dead etc. Obviously correct him but try not to take it personally. It is because he feels safe with you that he feels he can express the force of his anger .

My ds (similar age) behaviour deteriorates when he is exhausted and overstimulated. Does your dc get enough unstructured downtime? Watching a few cartoons after school might be a good thing - pick something funny and watch it with him!

Failing that I suspect something going on at school or clubs.

What clubs is your ds attending? My ds age5 picked up some truly awful stuff from older kids at his after school club, and eventually I unravelled he was also being mildly bullied by a big kid. The ASC wasn’t reporting to me as it was all normal for them - just rough and tumble. But when my ds got home he was acting out. Result: ds no longer goes to after school club.

Ignore the “I hate you” and “I wish you were dead”. It’s meaningless, just an evacuation of anger and emotion - remember you’re his safe space so he will unload all the worst stuff on you. You are right to wait until he’s calm, and then have a conversation trying to explore why he feels so angry - this may take lots of attempts. And then talk to him about how to recognise that anger.

My ds does martial arts x 2, walking, climbing, swimming, cycling - very active boy and needs to be physically worn out on a regular basis but also given plenty of recovery time. Have to watch him getting too tired, especially if he’s growing fast…continual balancing act.

You’ve got this!

there are some good books out there on how to parent boys. Worth looking into.