Would you say this was inappropriate?

[Jack2025]

My 10 year old son is raising money for his school with one of his besties - my son and I have not spoken in depth about fund raising ideas as the school only announced this a few days ago… this morning my son was on the phone and when I asked who he was speaking to, he said it was his besties mum! She had called my sons mobile to speak to him direct from her sons phone about the fund raising - his bestie called my son to say that his mum wanted to speak to him; I asked him to hurry up and end the call. About 30 mins later the mum text me about the fundraising.
My husband thinks that this was inappropriate as he said he would never call to speak to another child without going through their parent first.
A bit of background: both boys used to go to nursery together and now school so we know the family but not in a close friendship way so unsure if the mum felt it was ok to speak to my son direct.
This doesn’t sit comfortably with me either but I’m not sure if I’m over thinking things… any thoughts? Thank you.

Imagine living in a world where talking to your ten year son's close friend about a school project was weird!

It says so much more about you than this woman.

OP it's fine. Unless she was suggesting they do something nefarious for the school fundraising project?

I know what you mean, it’s not thinking that she’s doing anything inappropriate, as other posters are trying to make you feel silly about, but more about boundaries and etiquette at that age. Anything your son is doing at age 10 is usually organised or pre-agreed by a parent. A conversation like this is bypassing that and it can feel presumptuous and uncomfortable and a bit annoying - like in a ‘back off’ kind of way.

I think it's a bit 'odd'. If the boys were talking but coming up against problems or with wild ideas I can kind of understand her butting in, but to deliberately call to talk to him seems very odd to me.

i wouldn't say 'inappropriate' though. I'd talk to DS & see what it was all about though & be more wary of him going to their house

Agree

I do think it’s strange OP. Why could her son not have asked your son the questions

I get it op and I think some people are being deliberately contrary to be honest.

It’s one of those things that just feels weird and you can’t even really articulate why, it’s just weird.

Seeing the child in the street or having a passing chat in the playground is one thing but to ring them direct is just a bit odd and it could have made your ds feel awkward if he’s a shy child.

Definitely would have been more appropriate to go through you or at least ring your phone and ask to speak to him if it’s so important.

Exactly this! With this parent contacting my child direct, I’m not being kept in the loop either….. thank you.

Thank you - I think inappropriate wasn’t the right word to use, but weird maybe is!

I'm wondering why she needed to speak to him rather than her son asking whatever the question was. Does the child have some sort of issue that he couldn't use the phone properly himself? I'd have thought the normal way for contact at this age would be text rather than phonecall, and if there was something that needed clarification, then that could be done by text, whether from the Mum or the boy.
So I'm not sure about inappropriate, but a bit weird, probably an overcontrolling mother who didn't trust her son to ask the right question, or to relay the answer properly. I think it's overstepping boundaries, tbh I would only call my sons' friends in emergency, and they are fully grown adults now.
Was your son weirded out by it?
If there's any discussion between the 2 families about it, it would be better between the boys themselves. You can discuss with your son how he can make clear to his friend that if the call is from his phone, it looks like it's coming from him, and he would prefer that he doesn't do this again. He might deal with it by not taking calls from this friend for a while, just communicating by text if he doesn't want to speak to the mum. He might decide that if it happens again, he will say, "hang on, I'll just get my mum"
The point is, if your son has a phone, he needs to learn strategies to deal with unwanted calls.

Well no not really. Idk what era you grew up in but when I was 10, everyone still had landlines and we picked it up, dialled our friend’s house, and (shock horror) spoke to whoever answered the phone at the other end. I don’t think anyone ever had an issue with us speaking to our friends parents, sisters/brothers or even grandparents on the phone. Sometimes we would ask the parent who had answered the phone something about their kid because (you’ll never believe this) as they were our friend’s parent, we generally knew them by name and had cordial relationships with them. What did you used to do, just arrange things with a mate without even checking with their parents and immediately slope off to their room and pretend their parents didn’t exist because adults were too embarrassing to talk to??! In the 90s we were polite to adults, especially if we wanted to visit their houses and see our friends.

Not reached that point yet but I think I would expect the mums to meet with both boys to discuss the fundraising and exchange telephone numbers in case something cropped up that needed an adult’s help?

I would find that a bit weird - but wouldnt assume there was bad intentions a just that its a bit odd.

I would not have a problem with this.

It’s weird because she’s an adult and she doesn’t have a relationship with him. She should have spoke to you. The only time I contacted DDs friends was when I arranged a surprise party for her 18th.

If it's inappropriate for her to speak to him on the phone briefly about something he's doing with her son, that might have involved her input or permission, then surely it isn't safe for your kid to go round her house?

Me too , I can’t believe the stupid replies, the one with “ What’s it got to do with you “ !!! He’s 10 not 20 !! What a weirdo thing to say ..
It’s completely wrong her ringing OPS son directly , I’d 💯 be saying it to her , I’d be saying it nicely obviously, but you maybe sure I’d be saying it to her to ring you regarding anything to do with your son !!

If your son has access to a working phone then ANYBODY could potentially call him!
that is the crux of it

As someone who was once a Designated Safeguarding Lead, I wouldn't contact my son's friends via this means, independently of the parent(s)

Safeguarding cuts both ways so the mother could be putting herself at risk of allegations... believe me it happens...

Your son is a minor child. You have control over who contacts him and who doesn't. You have a perfect right to be concerned.

Tell her she must only contact your son through you. Just because she says she is a mum to your DS' friend, doesn't mean to say she can be trusted. Where minor children are concerned, no adult outside the home and school should be trusted.

I think it is wrong to encourage fundraising at this age. If it isn't against the law it should be. It is wrong to encourage children to go around asking for money or goods unless they are on behalf of a registered charity.

There are rules about children fund raising. There is information on this site:

https://www.fundraisingregulator.org.uk/

She's his best friend's mum so surely he knows her quite well, from going round for tea and suchlike? Why would it be inappropriate for her to discuss the fundraising? We all had to talk to our friends mums and dads on the phone growing up, usually they'd ask us questions too, like how school is going and how's our parents, its not a strange or inappropriate thing at all unless she was asking strange or inappropriate questions.
Why don't you get more involved with the fundraising and then you can discuss directly with the mum?

I wouldn’t like this and wouldn’t do it myself.

I would love to see the age split on those who think it’s ok for a friend’s parent to speak to a 10 year old and those who are sure that it’s the devils work…

This is the reality of giving a child a phone, a brick phone or smart phone. If it’s just used for walking to and from school, why does his friend have his number?

Either your son has a phone he can contact his friends and in that case it’s to be expected the number will get passed on or others will contact him directly on it, or he doesn’t. As he does, the mother was just saving time. She didn’t need or want to speak to you and had the direct number of the person she wanted to discuss things with.

I’m Devil’s Work camp and 38