4yo hysterical behaviour

[notaweddingdress]

I have a lovely 4yo boy. We have no developmental concerns and since starting school he’s settled in well. He has an almost 2yo brother (so 2.5yr gap) who he is overwhelmingly positive about in the abstract; ie talks lovingly about his brother, includes him in his make believe stories, invariably. He can also be very kind and paternal towards him. However…. He often seems to be hysterical and unkind to him. Running up to him, repeating his name through gritted teeth and grabbing his cheeks, for example. He seems almost overwhelmed and beside himself but the manifestation of behaviour is crowding and unkindness. We’ve told him off and removed him from the situation but also generally taken the view that he’d grow out of it. After a particularly challenging day today, where this mist of hysteria / unkind behaviour towards his brother seemed to last all day (it might typically just be for a short intense period), I’m wondering whether we are being too permissive. Any one event isn’t awful but he’ll regularly walk past his brother and give him an elbow, for example. It’s low level violence but it happens a lot. How would you respond to this?

You are right you need to address this, it needs to be stopped. If this was done to another child in school it would be taken very seriously.

The first step is prevention - you need to supervise more closely and intervene before it happens.

Loads of praise for good behaviour, clear consequence for bad behaviour. Very clear hands off rules are often used in schools.

Read up on sibling jealousy/rivalry.

yeah, interestingly I can’t imagine he’d behave like this towards one of his friends in a month of Sundays. I’ll talk to him about what times they have in school about touching other children. I’ve suggested a sticker chart at home for him. My DP doesn’t really like this type of parenting, he thinks we should be able to teach him that he should be kind to his brother because it’s important to be kind (rather than because he gets a sticker) which I understand but equally im pragmatic.

Are there any authors you’d suggest re. Sibling rivalry?

How long has he been bullying his brother for?

Give over. He’s four years old.

Outline how you all behave I.e no hurting anyone ever and both of you pick him
up on it everytime he does it. If that doesn’t work then consequences for his behaviour. Lots of praise for being kind, I wouldn’t use a sticker chart for being kind to his brother as he needs to see it as the norm not something he should get lots of e tea rewards for.

Repeatedly physically attacking someone is bullying. My question about how long is important, has it just started when he started school or did something else trigger it?

A reward chart for not hitting his brother? Are you kidding? Jesus fucking Christ.
He needs discipline. Negative consequences if he keeps doing it. Show him such behaviour is not acceptable and won’t be tolerated.
God forbid you might actually have to raise your voice and tell him off.

What was DP’s suggestion of hpw to handle this behaviour and what has he implemented so far? Is it working?

So this behaviour was allowed to go on all day? That is a lot for his brother to have to deal with. Children are often unkind, so consequences need to be effective. You're right that he wouldn't behave like this outside the house as he would quickly lose his friends. Your management needs to be as decisive.

I wouldn’t do a sticker chart for not hitting his brother but you could do a sticker chart for positive behaviours you see (so same thing but reframed) to help teach him those are the behaviours you want to see.
I agree increase supervision and try to intervene before he attacks and give him a warning of consequence. Keep consequences short but consistent (time out 5 min, lose of favourite toy for 30 min, no tv for 30 min etc ) if you make them too big he loses the incentive to behave. But what ever discipline you do, do it everytime.
Try to monitor if it happens at a particular time of day or in certain circumstances, if you notice a pattern try to change that situation. Eg after school ds watch’s tv with dad in living room to give him time to rest and younger brother in bedroom playing with you.
Do things together as a family but also divide and conquer so they both get 1:1 time with you both.

Theres a couple reasons he could be doing this -
He could be getting overwhelmed (not even necessarily by the brother) but he’s taking it out on him. (Unable to regulate emotions)
He could see his brother as fair game to be mean too because he’s younger and /or he gets jealous of him (sibling rivalry)
He might not see that he’s hurting his brother and not understand his behaviour towards him (lack of empathy)
You need to try to understand why this is happening and try to support your ds in his development whilst also teaching him not to behave that way. And protect your younger child .

It wasn’t allowed to go on in the sense that we stopped him, told him off, removed him from the situation each time he misbehaved but there were repeated incidents all day. FWIW his brother seems largely unfazed by it because no individual event is particularly bad - he doesn’t hurt him but i see his actions as unkind and aggressive (that is definitely how he means them) so obviously it needs to stop.

He doesn’t hurt him but it’s unkind and aggressive behaviour, a little shove for example (but doesn’t push him over). He’s been like this to some extent for about 6 months but as his brother gets bigger / speaks more (maybe he perceives is getting more engagement) I think it’s getting worse.

Thank you.

His behaviour does ‘look’ like overwhelm to me. In the past when I’ve spoken to him about his behaviour he says he doesn’t know why he does it. I’ve always assumed it’s jealousy and not wanting to share attention because that just seems logical. It does also seem like quite a conflicted situation for him though - he really likes the fact that his brother is here and part of the family. He talks about him all the time.

He would tend to favour more intervention - removing him for longer / more time out type punishment which I’m not adverse to, I was just wondering if a sticker chart as well might be helpful.